getting better all the time

the first three days of this Vegan lifestyle were - I'm not going to lie - BRUTAL!

a) I didn't feel good. that's an understatement, really - i felt HORRIBLE

b) I didn't like the food. any of it. it took more than an hour to make each recipe (excluding the smoothies), and then the result was DISGUSTING. I even threw up one of the dinners. just gross.

c) my husband didn't like any of this either. and he didn't feel good either. and that made for a not fun home environment.

he still doesn't feel good. i guess his body is having a harder time flushing out the toxins? who knows?? but I am MERCIFULLY feeling better. I don't feel like I could run a marathon or anything - but I feel like a human again. and that is a giant improvement.

also?

husband has a friend following this lifestyle who recommended another cookbook - she said the ETL cookbook recipes were yucky and too involved (just like we experienced), so she recommended the Engine2 website, and the China Study cookbook.

hubs bought the China Study cookbook for me - and it looks MUCH better. I'm off to whole foods in a few minutes to see about getting some ingredients for these recipes. I've also decided that I don't need to magically start liking all these foreign veggies that I've never liked before. collard greens? no thank you! kale? maybe one day - but for now, It's going to be better to stick with those veggies with which I'm familiar and I know I like.

more to come. including results from the first 7 days in losses (I hope!)

today sucked it.

I did not like ANY of the food I put in my mouth today.

Dinner was so bad, neither of us could eat it. We threw it out.

Instead we ate baby carrots, cantaloupe, and walnuts.

Frankly, I didn't even want to eat that much. I just want to go to bed. In fact, I've already brushed my teeth and am in bed.

and it's eight o'clock.

day one - withdrawal city

I am so angry - I just want to punch things and then I want to climb in my bed and sleep until this withdrawal period is over.

I honestly thought, when reading the book, that I wouldn't have a withdrawal issue. I guessed a little caffeine headache maybe, but my body is pretty much screaming. I am prickly and mad, and I just want to sleep.

I have snapped at my kids more than once today.

I am not a good mommy today. Not even a good person.

I am a ball of rage and crankiness.

and i haven't been the biggest fan of the food today. I put too much spinach in the smoothie this morning, and the lunch (roasted mushroom with red peppers on a pita) wasn't a high note for my day.

To top it all off, my 3 1/2 year old has decided not to nap today. So she's in her room making A LOT of noise - and if she wakes her little brother from his nap, I may well loose my shit.

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of my brain is saying "this isn't the time for this diet!! do it when they're in school and you can detox all on your own" and the other part is saying, "we're in it... let's not go back, let's power through".

despite the thunderstorm in my head - right now I'm choosing the "power through" option. because even in my withdrawal addled state, I'm pretty certain it's the right choice.

but I'm angry.

and cranky.

and I don't want to do this anymore.

starting again

blogging again. not a sign of anything other than I'm attempting to change my current lifestyle, and I think that recording it in some fashion might just be entertaining as hell. for future me, and my audience of 3 readers (hi everyone!).

tomorrow - i'm going to stop eating in accordance to what I've always been taught is a "healthy" diet. based on lots of protein from animal products, etc... whole grains, olive oil...

tomorrow - i'm going to start eating a nutritarian diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and legumes. no salt, sugar, caffeine, animal products, oils...

at first? this sounded like zero fun, and a horrible, drastic, dramatic, crazy plan. too crazy - a complete overhaul of my kitchen, my diet, my life! all because my sweet husband wanted to try this plan. so - I acquiesced to read the book. Eat to Live.

I'll post all my measurements and weight at some point (when I'm feeling braver and also when I've had some success so I can say "wow! look how horribly unhealthy I was")...

for now, suffice it to say that I'm overweight (this suprises no one), I've been overweight my whole life. (well, since I was about 7) and I am hopeful that I can find a way to become a more healthy individual for my sake, my husband's sake, and the sake of our two beautiful children.

but don't be completely fooled... I'm scared that this, too, will be unworkable - like many that have come before. I think that line of thought might be my subconscious trying to give me permission to fail. I really don't want it. I want to be successful. I want to be healthy and active. I want to run out in the backyard with my kids instead of sitting my ass in a chair and wishing I were inside and comfortable. I want to be comfortable in my clothes. I never really have been. I know that lots of people throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and they are completely comfortable. I am always worried about my stomach jutting out over my waistband. I'm ready to be at ease in my skin. I'm ready to be a good role model for my family. I'm ready to stop living a toxic life under the guise of normalcy.

I'm ready.

I think.

however, all this having been said - I did just down a hershey bar at warp speed. there's no stopping me, folks. I'm a mess to be reckoned with. :)

You smile like the cartoon, tooth for a tooth You said that irony was the shackles of youth

What I can't decide is whether or not this is all worth it.

Wow! That was an ominous starter sentence. I can imagine several not-good ways for that post to develop. Don't be worried... I'm not at all in a bad or scary place. Just still struggling with the same old boring questions I'm always struggling with.

I feel pulled in two distinct directions. I want to be the stay-at-home wife and mother of the year... and I want to finish my degree. But the reasons I want to do those things are DRASTICALLY different. The stay-at-home part of me wants that partly because it's what I've always wanted. I'm sure I've romanticized it in my head - as I do with most things - but I want to have the clean house, the happy, well-taken-care-of husband, the well-adjusted kids, etc... (disclaimer - I am not in anyway implying that one can't have those things and a career. I just don't think that I can) I want to do what I do now, only better.

Now, I get up on weekday mornings, make breakfast for Alex, pack his lunch and send him off to work. Here, however, is where there is plenty of room for improvement. Ideally - I would like to follow that up with cleaning the house for an hour or two, running any errands that need to be run, coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, then spending the evening together. In reality - I send him off to work and then proceed to watch the Today show and basically waste time until he gets home from work - at which point, I'm exhausted... Don't want to cook because I'm nauseated. So - he has to handle providing dinner for the both of us. Not exactly my Donna Reed scenario I have pictured.

On the other hand there's this ridiculous degree hanging over my head. Why finish it? Honestly - so no one can make that disappointed face at me when I say I decided not to finish it. So I can walk around feeling self-righteous because I have a PhD, and some certain people don't. These are not good reasons to do something. I suppose partly, I want to do it to prove that I can - and partly because I've almost completed the coursework part. But for anyone who hasn't gone through a PhD program that sounds a LOT closer to finished than it actually is... The coursework is the easy part, folks. There is a HUGE paper that also has to be completed, and guess what - you have to be dedicated to it in order to get it done. And guess who has two thumbs and no dedication to her current PhD pursuit...

Plus - there's this whole research assistant job I've been doing. An excellent opportunity, and a definite CV builder. I was asked to join the team, I get paid (a small amount, but it's enough to cover my car payment), and if I stay on the team until they present the study at a conference in December, I get my name on the paper as a co-author. This is a great opportunity for any person who is considering a doctorate, and who is hoping to have a career as a professor - because as we all know... The whole game at the university level is "Teaching, Research, and Service" and having a paper published with your name on it is a HUGE part of that. The problem is - with all this resting I've been doing with this pregnancy, I've let that research work go by the wayside, and am now REALLY behind. I emailed my boss last week to let her know that I am behind, that I'm not sure I can keep the pace she needs me to in order to get this project ready by December, and that I would totally understand if she needed to replace me with someone more reliable and dedicated. Being the really sweet person that she is - she responded that she wants me to stay on and do what I can do. However, in the next email, she requested that I attend a 6 hour long meeting. I can't do a 6 hour long meeting. For several reasons... I can't sit through a movie that I WANT to see for 2.5 hours without having back issues, I can't focus on reading a book for pleasure for more than an hour at a time, and she is asking me to sit through a 6 hour meeting of coding field notes. If you've never coded field notes - let me enlighten you... It is LABOR INTENSIVE. Really serious brain work.

I am in no way saying I couldn't get up and walk around, go to the bathroom, etc... during that time. But even considering that, a 3 hour meeting would be about the most I could do. And now, I don't know how to tell her this. I still think that the best thing for the project would be for her to replace me. Like I've said, I'm not dedicated - and I can't commit to being available, because I don't know which days I'm just not going to feel like being in an upright position, let alone working on coding while doing so.

I don't want to let her down, or put her in a bind... But I am afraid that if I don't flat out quit the team, that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing.

I think the bottom line of what I'm saying is: I want to be selfish. I want to do only what I want to do, and nothing else. Now, whether that's a pregnancy thing, a spoiled rotten thing, or just common sense - I couldn't say. But that's what I want. Now, tell me... How do I get there from here?

No time to search the world around Cause you know where I'll be found When I come around

I'm still here, folks. And I got a notice that I actually have follwers now. So - I'm guessing that requires me to post with at least something that resembles frequency.

Where have I been? Mostly - I've been posting on my other blog that I'm keeping about my pregnancy. I haven't wanted to combine the two areas of my life, because I have felt like this blog is more my place to be me - and speak frankly about things. But the truth is, there is no longer a chasm between pregnant me, and me. And soon, there will be no chasm between Mommy me, and me. Or maybe there will...

Here's where I get confused. Because I see so many women completely lose their own identities in being "mom", and in a way - I think that's important. In my opinion, to be a good parent is to give your life to being one.

HOWEVER - much like my theory on marriage, I think it is important to still have an identity outside of parenthood. I have a life outside of my marriage - and I am glad for it, because it gives us a chance to... I don't know, still be people and not just this amorphous blob of a married couple. Don't get me wrong, I spend PLENTY of time with my husband, and I love spending time with him. But I also love that he has a boys' night once a week, and that I have my girlfriends. All those people could mingle in the same room and get along nicely... but it is nice that they don't HAVE to.

So - maybe, for the sake of my sanity I need to make sure that I keep an identity outside of Mommy.

Who will that be? Certainly not who I am today. I imagine that considering how much this pregnancy has changed me, actually giving birth to a child will make even more of an impact.

And, the ever unanswerable question... Will that person have a PhD. Who knows?

Anyway, for now... I'm here - and I'll see what I can do about tapping into the "me" side of things.

- ag

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Being the only one awake in the house at 1am is a lonely feeling. I can hear the melodic sounds of Alex snoring coming from the bedroom. The house is dark, except for the light of a couple of night lights, and the computer screen. It's quiet, and quiet it shall stay. Alex begins his new job tomorrow, and I do not want to do anything to disturb his sleep.

My plan is to get up with him in the morning, make his breakfast and pack his lunch, and see him off to his new job. Then, if I'm awake enough - which, usually, once I'm up, I'm up... I'll clean the house a little since he is having some friends over tomorrow night. I also have to bake a cake, because one of our friends who will be over tomorrow had a birthday today. I feel so Donna Reed. Maybe I'll put on my pearls while I vacuum...

Or maybe not.

I had a small set back and disappointment today which I cannot post on the internet. It's a private matter, but suffice it to say that the old saying "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference" is not only true, but it's a painful realization.

So, readers... Do me a favor. When making new acquaintances, choose to embrace them. Choose to love them. But don't choose indifference. It is an easier way to go, sure... But think about all of the redeeming qualities that person might have that you are missing out on because you've chosen to ignore their very existance. Or, if you simply cannot love a person - for reasons even you cannot explain, then choose dislike.

But indifference?

What a cruel punishment.

And she was looking at herself And things were looking like a movie She had a pleasant elevation She's moving out in all directions

Have I mentioned that I'm sleepy recently?

I'm sitting in my living room in my favorite chair looking
at the clock and noticing that it is edging ever closer to
the time when I have to leave for my 5pm-9pm class. And I'm
dreading every passing second that takes me out of my comfy air
conditioned surroundings, thrusts me into my hot car - and out
to an uncomfy plastic chair for 4 hours while I struggle to
stay awake.

I feel like the PhD quest is throwing up roadblocks, and I don't
know that I feel like effing with it. My advisor doesn't seem
to like me much. I'm sure that a lot of that is in my head -
but the fact remains that I have that impression. And it makes
it difficult for me to want to work with him. I am still smarting
from his giving me a grade of "Incomplete" without so much as an
email letting me know #1 - THAT he was doing it, much less WHY.

I'm back to frustrated. I feel like if I do finish this degree -
I won't be doing it for myself, but to avoid the looks of disapproval
from others. And to avoid those looks - I'm enduring all of this
garbage???

I just don't know, folks. It might just not matter to me.

Or maybe, I'm just tired & cranky today.

Just try your best Try everything you can And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

Driving home from a weekend in Tulsa and Joplin this weekend, I was listening to my iPod (a strange thing for me to do in the car, because I am normally an NPR junkie - but on Sundays - it is difficult to find anything good to listen to on NPR, so iPod it was) and the song "In the Middle" by Jimmy Eat World came on. I always forget how much I like the message of this song until I hear it again randomly.

I've always felt like it would be the perfect song to play for 14 year old me - or 22 year old me for that matter... I was always so worried about other peoples' impressions and thoughts about me. I was always so concerned with what people had to say about me. I wanted everyone to like me - and I wanted people to think I was cool. I was pretty sure that everything that was happening to me during that time period was the most important thing going on in the world at that time.

Typical adolescent thought pattern. Adolescents aren't capable of thinking globally for the most part. They are the centers of their own universes. And I think a lot of adults use this as a way to write adolescents off as less than rational - or that they don't have valid opinions - but I think that we have to go through that phase in our lives in order to realize that there are bigger problems and issues in this world - and that not everything revolves around us and our tiny problems.

This was clearly way too profound thinking for a Sunday evening. But I love that it occurred to me. Because I do think that I will eventually work with adolescents again in some capacity - and the more I can gain insight into their thought patterns (and if I can manage to remember that insight at crucial FRUSTRATING moments), the more effective I can be as an educator.

It just takes some time.

You spin me right round, baby Right round like a record, baby Right round, round, round

So, I'm taking 2 classes this summer. One in the month of June, and one in July. They are both by the same professor - one I really like - and the workload isn't terrible, which makes this whole endeavor manageable.

The class I'm in now, Media Literacy & Pop Culture, is looking at the use of media in the English Lit classroom. Our professor has decided to look at this phenomena through the lens of Shakespeare.

Now, as most of you know - I'm not a fan of the cannon. I have never been a devotee of the Bard - and I do not advocate the teaching of the cannon to secondary students. In fact - I have been so against the idea, that my dissertation topic was over teaching contemporary young adult literature in place of the cannon as a more effective avenue for teaching literacy to adolescents.

And every time I would discuss this idea with a professor - he or she would simply give a thoughtful head nod, and change the subject.

I wondered why.

Now, I think that they did that because my idea - as sweet as it might be - is unrealistic, and maybe even a bit immature. The cannon isn't going anywhere. No matter how many books or dissertations I want to write on the merits of contemporary YAL - the cannon is etched in stone. No school district is going to forgo teaching Shakespeare, Chaucer, Bronte, Hawthorne, etc... in place of Green, Hopkins, Halse-Anderson, etc... It's just not going to happen. So, why not do a study (this is, of course assuming I still decide to go that route) that could actually be helpful to the teacher in the classroom, and not counter-intuitive to their realities??

For example: why not write a study about what teachers feel they need in order to be able to effectively teach the cannon? I would argue that a lot of the animosity and begrudging feelings surrounding the teaching of this type of literature is rooted in the teacher who either does not feel she is capable, or has the authority to interpret these works, or who feels that there is no possible way to get her students interested in them, and is resigned to the idea of them using Spark Notes to eek by - thus angering her that they are cheating themselves out of the experience of reading such truly wonderful literature. But if teachers were to get the support they needed to feel confident that they could not only get their students interested and keep them engaged in the cannon, and furthermore if they felt comfortable actually teaching the cannon... maybe it COULD be the wonderful experience it is meant to be.

I argue that had I been taught any of the canonical works by a teacher who infused media, and who took the time to ensure that I understood what was going on - I would have had the confidence to approach any piece of literature without the thought that "I can't read this, it's too hard for me" AND - I would have enjoyed reading The Canterbury Tales, instead of barely skimming it - and missing out on all of the hilarity and bawdiness that I now know is there.

I stayed away from canonical works until I was well into my twenties thinking that I hated them all. And some of them, I do still dislike. But some of them are surprising in their genius. And - as I learned last week in my class, some of them, like tired old Romeo & Juliet have so many layers to them that I never before realized were there. Even after having read it dozens of times, it still had something new to offer.

So why not, instead of creating a dichotomy - which I evidently do way too often - create a bridge? Instead of touting contemporary YAL, and trashing the cannon - why not empower teachers to be comfortable & confident teaching any piece of literature, old or new??

just a thought.

I don't know what to do But then thats nothing new, Stuck between hell and high water I need a cure to make it through.

Decision?

Not exactly.

The truth is - I haven't made a firm decision.

I decided for this summer that I'll take 2 classes instead of my originally planned 4 - that decision was based mostly on my current sleepiness. I just didn't think I'd be able to handle being in class from 8am-1pm, and then again from 5pm-9pm three days a week. (and the 8-1 class is actually 5 days a week)

So - after talking to my advisor - I decided not to decide for now. That was actually his suggestion. He asked me why it needed to be so black and white, quit or don't quit. He said maybe just slowing down for now is the way to go. And I figured it couldn't hurt. Then, after talking to my boss (who is also a professor, just in a different department within the college of ed), I decided that if I do slow down, the smart thing to do is to take my content area classes while Alex and I are living
here in Norman - because those aren't offered in Tulsa. Then, all I will have left as far as classes are concerned are the research classes - which ARE offered in Tulsa. Oh, I'll still have to drive up to Norman for committee meetings, my general exams, and a smattering of other reasons - but, it wouldn't be on a weekly basis...

I also learned in my advisement meeting that I have 5 years to complete the coursework, and up to 10 years to complete the dissertation. For some reason I had it in my head that we had to finish the whole enchilada in 5 years. And that timeline didn't seem like a friendly one to me.

I'm still not sure I'll wind up finishing it or not. After seeing my ultra sound on Wednesday, I'm already falling in love with this little baby. But one of my friends who had her baby earlier this spring - keeps saying that having adult time away from the little cherub is about all that is keeping her from losing her mind. So, maybe by fall 2010, I'll be ready to take a class and have some adult time. Thankfully, that part is very flexible - and I have more than a year before I would need to make that decision.

So - for the month of June, I am taking 1 class that meets Monday, Tuesday, Thursday from 5pm-9pm, and that's quite enough for me and my tired self. In July, I'll take another class that meets 3 times a week in the evening. Fall - 1 class that meets once a week, and the same for Spring (MAYBE). Luckily, the Fall & Spring classes are taught by my advisor - and he's willing to be very flexible with me as far as attendance goes. (within reason, of course)

That's the story. Sorry I didn't post it sooner.

g

This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball. This is it. Straight ahead and rest assured You can’t be sure at all.

I'm closing in on a decision. I think that the conclusion is clear - getting a PhD does not jive with my life goals. I don't think it ever did - I just didn't understand what it entailed until I could experience it for myself.

I do not think that I will regret this decision one bit. This is not my only opportunity to do this - so if in the future, I'm a different version of me - and that future me wants or needs a PhD - she can get it. And she can do so with the confidence that she is more than capable. That it isn't anything that's too difficult or beyond her reach. But present me, the me that I am today - and for the foreseeable future - doesn't need or want a PhD. What I want is a flexible job that can work around my family. I want to be home in the evenings to have dinner with my husband and kids. I want to be around on the weekends to play games and take trips. I do not want to be chained to a job. I do not want to make that kind of sacrifice.

And so, tomorrow I will meet with my advisor. I will tell him the truth - and I will listen to any advice he offers. I am reserving my decision until Friday - at which point I will decide, and go with that decision without a look backward.

resolute,
g

Your daddy's rich And your ma is good lookin' So hush little baby Don't you cry

We find out on Thursday how far along the pregnancy is. I am suspecting that it will turn out that I am roughly 12-13 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I felt all depressed and exhausted. I could barely muster a smile, let alone get motivated to do anything useful.

Today - MUCH better. Night and day, really. I woke up feeling great - got a lot accomplished, and still feel alert even though it's almost 9pm. :)

Struggles thus far with the pregnant-ness have been getting up to pee at least 3 times per night, drinking enough water (trying for at least 64oz per day), keeping ahead of the hunger so I don't get nauseated, and actually believing that there's a baby in there. Because right now, all I have are the positive pee stick, and the positive blood test results on the fridge to prove that there is actually a baby inside of me. It's all a little too fantastic to believe.

As for non-baby news... I am leaning more and more towards leaving the PhD program. I will make my decision by this Friday - but before then, I have a couple of meetings set up - one of which is with my advisor... So we shall see if any of those meetings sway my decision. At this point, I would say that is doubtful.

So - I have to decide how I will fill my days. I want to take some sewing, knitting, quilting, baby yoga, classes... Also, Marmee made the suggestion that I maybe try working at Sylvan or Kumon - someplace like that. Since, they surely hire short term, I think it might be a great idea.

Any suggestions from you?

g out

This indecesion's buggin me If you don't want me set me free Exactly whom I'm supposed to be I don't know which clothes even fit me

Back to indecision.

Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.

I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.

I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?

To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?

These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.

The reasons to stop now

To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.

I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.

Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.

I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.

So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?

-g

The night is over This masquerade is getting older Lights are low the curtains down There's no one here

Past lives and old boyfriends.

No doubt prompted by an episode of Ugly Betty I watched last night, I had the most detailed and obvious dream last night.

I dreamed about my ex, Glenn. He was an actor living in Paris. (both acting & French being former life paths for me) And he was ridiculously passionate about acting. (which is fitting because Glenn, an architect major, was - and probably still is - ridiculously passionate about architecture) I was in Paris on a trip for school, but my Mom and Rick were there, and Alex was there too. The three of them were waiting for me at a restaurant on the roof top, and I was doing my best to make my way there, but kept running into people, some I was glad to see, others - not so much. Steve (my 1st love) was one of those I saw... I kept trying to catch up with him because I wanted to tell him I am married and pregnant, and really happy. But I could never quite catch up. The people I kept seeing that I didn't particularly want to see just looked at me and walked by without a word, but as they passed, they would snicker and talk about me behind my back.

Then, I was in the lobby waiting to catch the elevator up to the rooftop, and my beloved cousin Nick came up. (in real life - I am NUTS about this kid. I travel to California once, sometimes twice, a year to see him in his college plays) He gave me a HUGE hug, and said how great it was to see me there. Then he and Glenn (Glenn, by the way, was sporting a HUGE and AWESOME afro) went off together to get ready for that night's show.

I finally got on the elevator to go join my party, and that's when I woke up - feeling strangely at peace, and almost as if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to those past lives, and those ex boyfriends.

Not that any of them are usually on my mind. It is the rare occasion that I think about what might have been with either the lives, or the guys. But this morning, when I awoke, it seemed to me that I may never have to think about what might have been ever again. Because I am happy with what is.

Very, very happy.

g

Well I've never been to Spain, but I've been to Oklahoma...

The time has come to update the blog. It's been almost a month - but I know you'll forgive me since you're aware that I was trudging through finals hell from this semester that has left me bruised but not quite broken.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I had 3 10-page papers, a 1 hour presentation, a poster session, AND a 20 page paper to complete all by May 5th. NOT TO MENTION, having things in order for my students' last classes, AND packing to leave on vacation on May 7th. (The last thing I am NOT complaining about IN THE LEAST... but it was yet one more thing to do.)

SO...

I am pretty sure I've gotten through the last semester relatively unscathed. I definitely took on too much, and I am hoping that I have at long last learned my lesson from doing that over and over again. Yet - realistically, I'm thinking I have to make this mistake a few hundred more times before it REALLY sinks in.

I did wind up having to take an "I" in one of my classes, because the paper I turned in was TRULY sub-par. I have the option of accepting the grade I earned (which would bring me to a low B or a C in the class) or rewrite the paper, and try for a higher grade, which I am doing, because I need to reserve the right to earn a B or a C in my statistics class more so than my Educational Sociology class.

I think I got A's in my other 2 classes. I haven't heard for sure yet. Hmm... I should go check... Maybe my profs have posted grades.

...

Nope. No grades posted yet.

On to other news - because school isn't quite my ENTIRE life... Alex and I got the opportunity to take a vacation to North Carolina. It was all so perfect - the plane tickets were super cheap, and my aunt who lives out here has a friend with a beach house and a generous heart - so we were able to spend a weekend at a beach house on Topsail Beach, NC free of charge!! It was a beautiful beach, lots of soft sand, VERY few rocks, BEAUTIFUL ocean! The only thing I didn't like was the fact that the beach house was 3 stories, and the kitchen/living room/our bedroom areas were on the 3rd floor. So there was LOTS of stair-climbing. Otherwise, it was FANtastic! In typical amber form, I decided I didn't need to put on any sunscreen the first day, and I got a sunburn. But it wasn't so bad until I went out the second day (wearing 55SPF, mind you) and compounded said burn. I burned on my chest, back, shoulders, and arms. Naturally, despite all the burning, my legs are barely tan. What up with that??

We are staying on at my aunt's house in Winston-Salem for a couple more days before heading back. There isn't anything planned - but I'm glad we didn't decide to just head back today home. I cannot imagine how cranky I would have been had I been required to travel today. I'm already bordering on cranky about traveling home on Thursday - and that's 3 days away!!

I love to be new places, visit family, and relax - but I HATE the getting there part: flying, driving, etc... It just plain SUCKS!

My plans when I get home? CLEAN MY HOUSE! There are hairballs (mine) in my bathroom that are so big and have been there so long that I've decided they're the closest thing I'll ever have to pets - and I've named them. It'll be sad to get rid of them, but I am afraid that the department of public health is going to come out to our home, yell "HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!?!" and condemn the place.

So that's top on my list.

I would also like to sleep late in my own bed. Since we've been in North Carolina, I haven't slept past 8am EASTERN TIME!! No one woke me up - I've been the first person up every day. I don't know why I can't seem to sleep late here - but I just can't do it. And I'm exhausted!

For right now - I am going to take my new Jen Lancaster book and lay on the couch and read. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping to accidentally drift off for a bit of an afternoon nap.

g

Everyday, it's a gettin' closer, Goin' faster than a roller coaster, Love like yours will surely come my way, (hey, a-hey, hey)

Self-acceptance.

Not a flashy or funny topic about which to blog - and to be honest, if I were looking for a blog to read, I would not choose this one. Kakes & I discussed this topic earlier this afternoon. I prefer to stick to blogs that crack me up. I have enough of my own issues and drama... I don't need to get all wrapped up in the drama of a total stranger. (But, if that stranger is funny, sarcastic, and ever-so-slightly self-deprecating in that drama... I'm hooked!)

I am learning a ton on my quest for self-acceptance. Mostly that I don't accept myself. Aaand - hilarity ensues.

Today wasn't spectacular for my quest. Alex and I went to our new gym for our fitness assessment (read: "I'm sorry, you weigh HOW MUCH? But you're only 5'2"... And you've lost 70 pounds already?!?" At which point, the person walks away wondering if I really was wider than I was tall). Not humiliating at all. (read: I wanted to crawl into a hole - a ding dong-lined one, naturally - and die). Alex and I shared a trainer today, and we were weighed and measured in front of one another. (note - I've avoided Alex knowing my weight, clothing size, and measurements for the entirety of the 6 years we've been together. UNTIL TODAY. He thinks he'll erase the numbers from his mind soon... I freaking hope so!)

But at least we went. And we worked out a little bit. We are scheduled to go back on Friday when they will have a personalized fitness plan for each of us - and teach us how to execute it. Am hopeful that experience will be at least a little bit less humiliating, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Tomorrow - I have a meeting with my boss and our research team. I get to tell her that I didn't actually do any work this week, and that it's not looking good for me to get any done during the next two weeks either. I just have other priorities - like getting my assignments done for HER class.

We've gotten down to crunch time. I'm working a ton - planning on spending lots of quality time in the library this weekend.

I'm all over the place tonight.

I'm excited that Alex and I are going to North Carolina in a couple of weeks. We're getting to stay at a beach house that belongs to my Aunt's friend for FREE. And plane tickets were super cheap. So - we're getting a week-long vacation for next to nothing.

I'm really looking forward to having that break. No research, no papers, no teaching, no library!! Just re-lax-ation!

just barstools, and boyfriends, and whiskey at nighttime, and bedtime, bedtime

Taking a bit of a break from the grindstone. I have papers to grade, papers to write - and an unforgivably filthy house - NOT TO MENTION a pile of laundry so large, I'm gonna need an oxygen tank and a sherpa to find the top.

But, priorities in place, I need to start with the presentation & paper that are due Tuesday. I'm even going to skip class tomorrow evening because I need the time to work on this paper (10 pages) and presentation (1 hour).

I love grad school.

You know, it's funny... I was talking to a classmate yesterday, and we were both saying how people idealize the situation they aren't currently in. For example - when I was working full time and getting my master's degree... I thought to myself "hmmm... it would be so much easier if I could be in school full time". Now - I'm thinking it would be so much nicer if I were just working full time and not in school.

Just can't be happy, can I?

In other news - on the hurt feelings front... I'm better. I think I just have to realize that in a marriage - sometimes things get said that we don't mean. And feelings will get hurt. But what's important isn't the thing that was said - or even the fact that it was said... What's important, and what wins out in the end is that I love Alex. I choose to be with him, despite his human-ness.. And eventhough I was hurt, I'm willing to forgive him.

And so I have.

Now, I just have to deal with my own issues on the matter. I have to look myself in the eye - and just make the decision to go to the gym, to choose healthy foods instead of unhealthy ones, and if I do choose to eat something less-than-healthy... Like, say a ho ho, or pizza, etc... then I need to not torture myself about it.

Good luck to me.

Okay, back to it.

Bakhtin awaits.

-g

Why would you speak to me that way Especially when I always said that I Haven't got the words for you All your diction dripping with disdain

...it's just because you don't really know me, and the thoughts that go through my brain, and my motivation for either doing (or not doing) the things I do or don't do.

But I digress.

I'm feeling blue because...

and there's nothing I can do to make it better today. I have some hope for tomorrow that is shaky at best - because my track record leaves much to be desired.

I'm also sad because I don't want to...

but I really can't avoid it any longer - and it has to be done today. So, it's the old "if I must I must" theory.

>On an up tick - I got some fan mail today from the kake-meister. Thanks, girlie! You have NO IDEA how much I needed it today. Well, maybe from parts of this unfinished blog post - you can surmise that it's been a bit of a rough day.<

g out

I went to sleep for the daytime I shut my eyes to the sunshine Turned my head away from the noise Bruise and drip decay of childish toys That I loved

Just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Alex is sitting in his recliner chair with his laptop in his lap. He's got our Lisa Hannigan CD playing, and he is fallen asleep.

I couldn't be more in love with any other person on this earth.

Of that I am 100% convinced.

-g