Sometimes I feel like an impostor. Like I'm still just really a kid playing house. When I go to my doctors and discuss things like trying to get pregnant, I'm always anticipating them saying "honey, you're too young", or "that's something grown-ups do". Now, none of them has ever said anything even remotely close to that. Let's check the facts... I'm 31, married, well-educated, and stable. (ok, yes - I agree we should use "stable" sparingly when describing me... :) Noted)
So, when my period was late last week - I began to wonder, and hope (and, admittedly plan) that I might be pregnant. Helping this idea along was the fact that I was nauseous and experiencing a bit of insomnia. (which for me is very weird. seriously, I sleep better than any human has a right to. when it's time for bed, I lay down and close my eyes, and am asleep in under 3 minutes. Alex is so annoyed by that fact - and rightly so - because he has a horrible time falling asleep and has to take medicine to help him... but not me. sawing logs in under 5 minutes since 1978) I felt reasonably sure that I might be pregnant. And I was excited. I took a couple (read: 5) pregnancy tests, though, and they all came out negative. Not to be discouraged - I decided that when I went to the doctor today, I would ask her to give me a blood pregnancy test in addition to the other blood tests she was already doing. And she obliged. And it was negative too.
So here I sit. Now a week and a half late on my period and not pregnant.
To say I'm disappointed doesn't quite express the true weight of how I'm feeling. Not that I have reason to, but I'm also feeling embarrassed and guilty - like I did something wrong, and that's why I'm not pregnant. When the doctor called with the test result, I went into the bedroom, and told Alex. I cried. Then I fell asleep and slept hard. Really hard. Sometimes the emotions are so raw and real that it exhausts you, and that - I'm guessing - was what happened to me today.
Trying to get pregnant, I'm learning, is a lonely road. Because of outcomes like today (or worse ones where you ARE pregnant, and then you lose the baby) you don't tell people - except your Mom, husband, and perhaps an aunt and cousin you were with in California - that you think you might be pregnant. It's hard enough to tell that small group of people that you were wrong. I was wrong. No baby in there. Just some confused ovaries.
The upshot is - we're not to the expensive part of this journey yet. We aren't paying for IVF, or anything crazy... We're just going after this goal the old fashioned way. So - really nothing is lost. Plus, Alex is excited about keeping pace on this whole "trying" business.
Which is, at times, trying.
Keeping at it.
-g
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