Two steps forward, two steps back.

Saturday night.

I enjoy Saturdays because Alex has class all day, and then goes to play D&D at night. No - right off, that sounds bad... I was never the kind of person who needed my alone time. But I think that years of co-habitation have made me rethink that concept, and to be really honest, I do need some alone time every now and then. Not for a good reason, or even a sexy reason... Just so I can watch lame, cheese ball movies on TBS in my jammies while I do laundry. (And, really - I could do that with him here... But then he comes through every hour or so and laughs at whatever movie I happen to be watching for the hundredth time - and I already know how lame I am for watching these movies over and over again, I don't need to be reminded.)

So - right now, it's Miss Congeniality. I love that movie.

This week was busy and eventful. Eventhough I'm not teaching right now, since my students are doing their field experience, I've been busy busy busy. I made my 10 hours for my research assistant job. 10 hours doesn't sound like much, but it had me hopping! Also - I went to the doctor, and he won the argument... Since I am trying to get pregnant, he decided it would be best to take out all of the saline in my fill. YIKES! So - I'm a normal mortal again, and already it's a struggle. I've started keeping a very careful journal of what I'm eating. I know what I'm eating a small fraction of what I did pre-surgery... But I'm still managing to go over my desired 1200 calorie daily intake. I looked online at a "healthy body calculator" which allows you to enter your height, weight, age, etc... and it calculates how many calories, fat grams, etc... you should consume daily in order to either maintain, gain, or lose weight. So - to maintain, I should consume 2000 calories, and to lose I should consume 1200. Yesterday, I hit 1400, and today I'm at 1600. I'm hoping not to gain too much (or any) and in fact am hoping to continue to lose. Now that I'm not so tight - that cough I've had since February 2nd is gone, so I should find it easier to workout without getting too short of breath.

So, that's my health situation.

As for school/work... Things are going okay. 5 more weeks of classes in which I have to complete 2 10 page papers, and a 20 page paper, plus a 5 page paper & presentation. None of that should be too terribly awful. ;)

There was supposed to be a huge snowstorm this weekend. It didn't actually happen here. There was snow. But it was gone by about 2 this afternoon. I hear the weather is supposed to warm right back up. I can say that all the pressure changes in the atmosphere have given me headaches like crazy! Stupid Oklahoma weather.

Well - cheesy movie #1 is almost over, and I'm settling in to my chair for #2 - Sex & the City!

G'night all!

g

I want to I want to be someone else or Ill explode Floating upon this surface for the birds The birds The birds

In Tulsa in a hotel room all by my lonesome.

Not that I'm a super sad panda, or anything. It was my choice. I could have stayed (for free) at my Mom's house, or my Dad's house, or my Mother-in-law's house, or my Grandparents-in-law's house... etc...

But I just didn't feel comfortable doing that - who knows why, and so I decided to grab a hotel room.

So, here I am. Watching Law & Order with a diet pepsi by my side.

The drive here today was great! I plugged in my iPhone, and turned up the music loud. I sang loud and sometimes off-key, I danced... It was just like when I was a teenager. In fact, I felt like a teenager. I had my left leg pulled up next to me in the seat, and I was bopping around like a lunatic.

After I got into town, I took care of a couple of errands - and then I got to go shopping! I've been giving all of my too-big-for-me-clothes to Marmee, and she's used them, then taken them to a consignment shop. She sent me a $92 check for all the clothes of mine that have sold. So I got to go shop for some clothes that actually fit me. I decided my dollar would stretch the farthest at Kohl's - considering their huge clearance sections at any given time. I think I did pretty well. I got 6 or 7 tops 3 pair of pants, and a SUPER cute purse. (okay, so I didn't technically "need" the purse in a strict sense of the word - but you should see it... it is SO cute, a really pretty green color - AND my laptop fits in it, which is a bonus!)

Now, it's 10:00 - and I'm winding down. Time to watch the news (apparently, it's going to snow Friday & Saturday... Crazy Oklahoma weather)

I need a book I can read for fun. I don't want to start reading a chapter for school, because I'm not in the mood to be all focused and highlighting... At the same time, I love to read before going to sleep. Conundrum!

Sweet dreams, people!

-g money

She said she doesn’t like it here, left everything back home She was lost and bitter, broken and alone

I am feeling a bit more like myself again.

I don't know what it was that prompted all of the questioning and doubt. Marmee theorized that it was the fact that I've gotten myself so behind, and was feeling overwhelmed as a result. Traditionally, when I feel overwhelmed - I start looking for an exit strategy. And who wouldn't?

But I'm not convinced that's what it was this time.

I think that going through a program such as this provokes sharp questioning not only within ones field, but also sharp questioning of who one is, and why are we here, etc...

Plus, since I changed programs back in November from Reading to English Ed, I'm experiencing a bit of buyer's remorse. I'm feeling frustrated because my new adviser is very difficult to get used to. He's really non-linear in his thinking, and he is difficult to get face time with. I just have to adjust.

So - plenty of deep breaths are in order, and a buckle-down attitude... I'll be okay. And I'm going to stick with it.

At least for now. ;o)

What? If I were sure all the time, this would be the MOST BORING BLOG EVER!

Whereas now...

g

When the truth is found to be lies And all the joy within you dies

Spring break is over.

Boo.

I did not get all caught up as I intended. No big surprise there. I am almost finished with one of the big assignments that I have due this week. I still have 1 more big assignment (due Monday night) and 1 more moderate-sized one.

Plus, I have to do a lot for my new research job this week. Aaaand I have to go check in on my students during their field experience in an elementary school.

In other words - I'm busy, tired, behind, and still overwhelmed. Alex doesn't like that I'm questioning whether I really need to pursue this degree or not right now. He even hijacked the phone at one point while I was talking to kakes today and tattled on me, thinking she would get me back on track... But I asked her to differ judgment until she reads my posts here. I think I've made a compelling argument for being legitimately confused.

I looked online at homes in Tulsa yesterday. I really wish we could move there this summer as opposed to next. I found some cute homes that would be great for us - and the prices were just what we are looking to spend. (Mostly because I set the parameters of the search to come out that way... but I digress)

I'm ready to no longer be in transit. I want to be permananent. I want to own a home, not be moving in the near future. Not be working on a degree, not be trying to get pregnant, not be waiting around for the nest part of life to begin.

Not that I'm not living my life right now. But the mentality in grad school is DEFINITELY - "suffer now, and enjoy life later". And I'm becoming less and less okay with that motto. Especially since I look at my professors - and they are still largely suffering. There is only one professor I've worked with here who seems to have it all, and I think it's because he's a man. He and his wife have 3 adorable kids, and he spends lots of time with them. He presents, publishes, and he doesn't seem to be dragged down by the politics, or the bullshit that come along with the job. It's just a job - it doesn't have to be his whole life. But there is a different set of expectations and requirements for women in that position. We are expected to sacrifice time with our families - or we are seen as weak and emotional. There was a Sex and the City episode about this. Women have to play by a different set of rules to get the jobs they want. And the bottom line is - when I have a job, I want to do it 100%. When I half-ass a job, I feel bad about myself as a person. And if being a professor brings with it the job requirement that I sacrifice my personal time with my family... I do NOT want that job.

I want a job that requires no more than 40 hours of my time away from my family. I want a job that allows me to feel good about myself, without feeling like I should be doing more.

And I do realize that it all depends on my approach to the job. There is a grad assistant here who teaches the science portion of the group of classes where I teach the literacy part... She is incredible. She says - "I am willing to take ___ many hours per semester, and teach ____ many hours per semester and NO more." and she means it. She does not feel bad about saying "no", and she does not feel like she is doing less of a good job when she says no. She feels that her family is more important, and she acts accordingly. The problem is - I don't think I'm capable of being that firm and strong. I would feel guilty all the time.

Which is part of the reason I don't want to work at all when we have little ones at home. I don't want to be tempted to take on too much in a job - and wind up missing a first step, or a first word - or even a 10th word. I want to be there with my kids and experience all the little moments that zoom past at warp speed. I want to be present with my family. Marmee was amazing when I was a kid - and she took on the world... and I had lots of babysitters, and eventually became quite self-reliant. And I'm thankful to her for that, because I am the person I am today because of how I was raised... But she missed things with me that I am unwilling to miss with my kids.

Every time I sit and think about this - I keep coming to the solution that I don't know what I'm doing, and I certainly don't know why I'm doing it. And when I come to that realization - I am faced with: what would I do otherwise? Were I to stop pursuing this degree, I would have to get a job - and then I'm right back where I was before.

I guess I'm realizing that I can't have it all, and so I'm going to have to choose what it is that I want to have.

And therein lies the problem.

g out

there's one man, he's like the wishful thinking in my life, i see so and he's like the wine on the weekend...

ugh.

the weekend already.

spring break came and went far too fast. i didn't get enough done. not by half. all of a sudden, my homework completion is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. And I'm getting a little panicky.

but alex will be gone tomorrow afternoon and evening at his nerd game, and so i'll have the freedom to work. one would think the shear fact that the majority of this stuff is due monday and tuesday would be motivation enough for me to want to get them done... but honestly, i'd much rather just sit around in my jammies, order pizza, and watch cheesy movies on tbs like any other spring break day.

i am starting to hate this whole phd thing.

really. i keep asking myself, "what am i doing, and why am i doing it?". is all of this really necessary for me to be a self-actualized happy adult human being? is my competitive nature so overpowering that i won't be happy until i have those three little letters behind my name. do those letters legitimize me as a person, as a scholar, as a professional, or at all?

i really need to figure out what my real reason is for doing all of this. because without knowing that - it becomes really easy to start to plan an exit strategy.

i think that part of (and granted, it is a small part) but part of the reason i was so disappointed in not actually being pregnant a couple of weeks ago was that i figured if i were pregnant, i would have to stop running at this pace. if i have a baby - and i stop school to raise my child, that's okay in my mind. if i stop going to school because i decide it isn't for me - well, that's probably a cop out.

i was discussing this with a classmate earlier this week: what kind of a person am i? what do i value, what do i place the most importance on?

for me personally... i place the most importance on my husband and my family. school is easily tertiary to them. when i have kids - i know that my most important job will be to take care of them. at that point, having a phd or not doesn't matter, because i'll have a much more important 3 letters - m.o.m

so, if that's the case, then am i just biding my time til i get pregnant, and amusing myself with this cute little "hobby" that has swiftly become a HUMONGOUS pain in the arse?? am i no better than the girls who go to college simply to earn their "MRS" degree? am i wasting my time working on something which i have no intention of finishing?

the answer is - i don't know.

the plan, if i get to plan these types of things, which we all know i don't - but i digress... the plan, as it is right now, is for me to take 12 hours this summer, 12 in the fall, and 12 in the spring - thus completing my coursework in spring of 2010. then, alex and i will move back to Tulsa in june of '10 - and i will be pregnant at that time. i will have the baby, and when it is around 6 months old, i'll start work on the dissertation.

now, in a realistic situation where every one is being honest - do i even begin, let alone complete, a dissertation with an infant at home?

my gut reaction is - nope.

so, back to my question - that being the case... WHAT AM I DOING??

now - let's talk long term goal... were i to successfully earn the doctorate - what would i do with it? my answer to that question has been "i will either teach at the university level, or i will consult and actually make some money". were i to teach at the university level - there would have to be some strict caveats in place, such as - i would need to teach at a NON research university. i don't have any interest or desire to be in a cut-throat, competitive situation. i don't have any interest or desire to be required to publish articles in journals every semester. i don't have any interest or desire to put my husband or children on the back burner while i tend to my job. frankly - right now, i don't have any interest or desire to have a job at all. i just want to be a wife and a mom.

so now what?

g

Psycho killer, qu'est ce que c'est Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Yeah Run run run run run run run away

This is because I haven't posted all week, and I don't have an original thought in my pea-sized brain right now.

I got a book called "all about me" for my birthday this year - and here are the questions and my responses from a section of it called "ego".

enjoy

Your three best qualities
1. caring
2. good cook
3. attention to detail

Your three worst qualities
1. self doubt
2. spend too much money
3. procrastinate

Of these three worst qualities, which one do you struggle with most frequently?
#3

Which of these three have you tried to change?
all of them!

Three words that describe how others see you:
1. motherly
2. sweet (thoughtful)
3. hard-working

Three words you would use to describe your ideal self:
1. organized
2. peaceful
3. pulled-together

Three things for which you are often complimented:
1. cooking
2. decorating (although I don't think I particularly have a knack for it)
3. friendship

Which of these three is most meaningful to you:
#3

A special compliment that made you blush:
I blush at all compliments

You are far better than most people you know at:
cooking

The animal that best describes you:


You are embarrassed when others:
are jerk-holes to another person in my presence

You are embarrassed when you:
put my foot in my mouth

Others are embarrassed when you:
see above! :)

The greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured:
oddly - when I had a puss-filled cyst on the side of my nail bed on my ring finger, and the doctor had to lance it.

The greatest amount of emotional pain you have ever endured:
oh, man... I can't answer this - because I can't choose.

Your proudest moment:
my wedding day

Someone who shared this moment with you:
everyone I love! :)

The moment you are most ashamed of:
New Orleans, New years eve, 2000.

Someone who shared this moment with you:
Laura, Phill, Amy

When discussing your career with others you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [x] understate [ ] be factual

When discussing your life with others, you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [ ] understate [x] be factual

When telling stories or relaying the details of your day, you tend to:
[x] exaggerate [ ] understate [ ] be factual

If you didn't have commitments to others, you would:
be sad

The number of drinks that constitutes your limit:
2

Your best physical feature:
my eyes

You have considered plastic surgery:
[x] yes [ ] no

In my blood I feel the bubbles burst There was a flash of fist, an eyebrow burst You've a lazy laugh and a red white shirt

When I look at myself in the mirror – I see opportunity for improvement. Perhaps it’s because I see past the skin and bones, past the frizzy hair, and the out-of-control eyebrows, past the smeared make-up and the freckles… When I look at myself in the mirror, I see what’s possible.

I see myself as a mother. Hair in a ponytail everyday, dark circles under my eyes, wondering when the last “adult” conversation was that I had – and when the next one might be.

I see myself as a better version of me. A girl who isn’t shy in a crowd of strangers, (and in fact sees a crowd of strangers as a crowd of friends she hasn’t met yet) a girl who has her shit together enough to keep her house clean, her finances in order, and her foot from soaring directly into her mouth every chance it gets. A girl who knows when to cuss and drink, and when to whisper. I see myself as a girl who knows herself well, and won’t compromise on being who she is.

But when I allow my eyes to focus again on what is actually in front of them…

I see just me.

Shy at parties, foot residing in mouth, disorderly, financially dysfunctional me.
And that’s when I begin to notice the frizzy hair, and the freckles, and the eyebrows… That’s when I really see all the imperfections that combine to make me me.
I wish I could say that I’m grateful. I admire, and envy those people who can acknowledge their imperfections and say – “that’s just me, and that’s okay”.
I guess this is all to say, sometimes – I wish I were different.

-g

For the beauty of the earth, For the glory of the skies, For the love which from our birth Over and around us lies

Inaccurate!

I reread parts of my last post, and I have to say, there was a bit of inaccuracy. I am a person who is blessed with so many WONDERFUL girlfriends. That has not always been the case. When I was a younger girl, I tended to stick with males for friends. I felt that girls were too much drama, and definitely not to be trusted. (Which, at that time in my life, surrounded by the girls with whom I was surrounded, that was an apt assumption)

But since I've been an adult, (Ugh... let's use that word SPARINGLY) I have had some of the most wonderful, faithful, hilarious, and amazing girlfriends. I think that they deserve some recognition - because really, they are incredible people for whom I am thankful every single day of my life.

Laura. There aren't enough wonderful things to be said about her! And although we didn't start out being super close, we have ended up that way. She and I had a bit of a rough start - not that we disliked one another - but it took us some time to realize just how much we had in common. Once she and I did that - and for the 10 years since, we have been such wonderfully close friends. Laura is one of those people who knows my past and loves me anyway. She knows all of the awful, poor judgment, stupid, mean, thoughtless things I've done - and not only does she still think I'm a good person - she laughs with me about it, and helps me realize that it's all in the past - and has nothing to do with who I am today.

Angel. Almost the opposite of Laura, we were fast friends. Immediately we were besties, and now - thanks to time and distance, we aren't as close I still love her so much, and I know that were we to get the chance to sit down for coffee, we'd pick right up where we last left off without missing a beat. (How do I know this? Because we've done it more than once!)

Donna. Technically my aunt, not my friend - but the line blurs here. Donna and I have always been close, and she's always been a person I could tell anything to. She is not judge-y, and she offers really great advice, or if nothing else commiseration. I know I can depend on her to always be there to listen, laugh, cry, or whatever I need. So while she may technically be my aunt, she is more importantly my dear friend.

Marmee. No - it's not cheating. Look, my Mom and I are ridiculous. We've never really been like mother & daughter - we've always been more like sisters - and the older I get, the closer we get to just being plain old friends. We make each other laugh - we lean on each other for support in tough times... After Alex, she is the first person I call to tell news in all forms - good or bad. She's just an incredible person, and I love her!

Okay - this is getting stupid. I wanted to give props to all my girls, but this post is bordering on - well, actually, it's well-past - dull.

Sorry.

What I meant to say was that I have been blessed in my life with a variety of wonderful girlfriends - all of whom make me a better person everyday.

And for them, I am so very thankful.

-g out

Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice you've made it now

Rehearsal dinner was tonight for kakes. It was really nice. The ranch where the ceremony will be is really pretty. We had a good time, enjoyed some delicious food - and fantastic company!

I couldn't help but feel bad all night though. I didn't do anything to help set up for tonight's festivities. There were so many people helping, and I realize that if anything had needed to be done, kakes would have called me - and I'd have done whatever it was. But - I still feel like I should have done more. I was telling Alex that I was feeling bad, and he asked kakes if there were any more we could do. She said no, and that she'd really need a lot of help in October for her reception. And I'll be excited to help then, of course.

I think the problem is that she did so much for our wedding, she went SO FAR above and beyond - that I wanted to return the favor. She did everything... from keeping me calm to helping set up every step of the way. She was johnny on the spot from the second I asked her to be my maid of honor, till the morning after the wedding. She was the model maid of honor. I really think that were she to write a book about how to be a great maid of honor, she'd make millions. Everything she did was appropriate, well timed, needed, and appreciated.

Part of the problem also is that all of her friends (myself excluded) are just like her. She has 3 really close friends who have been there helping and setting up and plan, etc... PLUS - her 2 sisters, her mom, her mother-in-law... It's just a lot of people, ALL of whom absolutely adore kakes (because, really folks - kakes is AWESOME) and all of whom want to help her. Alex said it's a case of too many cooks in the kitchen.

Rationally, I know that there isn't anything more I realistically need to be doing. I just so wanted to be helpful to her. I've never had such a good girlfriend. She is so selfless, so adaptable, so... gah - she's just freakin great.

Anyhow, tomorrow is her wedding. It will be beautiful and fabulous. I know I'm going to cry, because it's really just too sweet the two of them. They are VERY well matched in every way, and being around them is honestly like being in the presence of true love. It makes me feel happy and hopeful. I like to think that we will be close friends forever, and our kids will grow up together, and they will see us as their parents so much in love, and so happy - that they will grow up to find relationships like ours are, and that will help to make the world a better place.

Ever the cockeyed optimist, I dare to dream. :)

In other news, I did do something QUITE out of character for me this evening... At one point, kakes' brother started playing the song "Falling Slowly" on his guitar. He was singing it quietly, and I was standing close by... For those of you who don't know the song, it's a duet with a man and a woman. Really beautiful harmony throughout the song. So, I was harmonizing with him. I don't think I was doing it loud enough for anyone really to hear, because no one seemed to notice. But I did it because I have a regret from 11 years ago that has haunted me all this time, and I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen again...

When I was living in France, I was always around a lot of international students. After our classes one day, a group of us were hanging around in the courtyard, and one guy had his guitar out. He was asking what bands people liked, and I said that The Beatles were (and still are, thank you!) my favorite. He started to play "Rocky Raccoon" and wanted me to sing with him. I should have. I knew the words, I love that song, and it would have been a great time if we were all singing, and being festive. But I clammed up like an idiot, and refused to sing. What 11 more years of being a person have taught me is that people enjoy the people who help a party (or social gathering) to be more fun. People like the extrovert who will mingle with people she doesn't know, and who will sing along with a piano or guitar when the opportunity arises. People like the person who is comfortable in her won skin enough to not be worried that she doesn't sing like a pop star - because if she did, she'd probably be one. We all just like normal every day people who unapologetic ally do what they do. People who aren't afraid to be themselves, and put themselves out there for everyone to see. That's the kind of person I'm always trying to allow myself to be. I honestly think that person is inside of me. I think I have the capacity to be outgoing and confident and witty - even when I'm not playing on my home turf. I just get in my own way about things - and who knows why.

Anyway, I saw my little attempt tonight as a step in the right direction. Albeit a small step, it was a step nonetheless. However, I definitely don't get any points for sticking to Alex's side for most of the night, and not really mingling with the people I don't know. I was a bit anti-social. I get overwhelmed at other people's family functions - because I don't want to be in the way, or to be in some one's spot who needs to be there more because they are family. Luckily, in this case, kakes and dave's families are super laid back and really sweet. And, with so few people in attendance at this wedding - I don't have to worry so much. I think tomorrow, I'll feel more relaxed.

Despite the sound of this post - I really did have a good time tonight. I'm just airing my own insecurities here - because this is a blog, and where else can one do those things?


gates out

PS

Kakes - when you read this, and I know you will... you are NOT allowed to feel bad about anything I've written. I'm just being ridiculous - but I needed a place to vent. I had a fantastic time, and I am really just so floored, and humbled to have been invited. You really are the most wonderful friend.

-g

Dressed up to the eyes It's a wonderful surprise To see your shoes and your spirits rise

Laundry day. I'm also planning to clean the house a bit. I had some pretty lofty goals of running errands, doing some schoolwork, as well as the laundry and house work. But it is cold & gray outside, and I'm feeling like it needs to be an inside day. Plus - I don't have many warm clothes these days aside from sweats. (And really, I'm probably too old to be scampering about town in my sweatpants, right?)

I felt really bad for Alex last night. He couldn't sleep. Sometimes, despite his sleep medicine, he just can't get there some nights. Meanwhile, I'm in there sleeping like a pro. That has to be so frustrating for him. I know he was up well past 4am, because I woke up at that point for about 40 seconds. (time enough to look at the clock, wrap the covers back around myself and snuggle back down into my pillow)

Yesterday was a rough and emotional day for both of us. Hopefully today will be better - and he will be able to get some good sleep tonight.

We are gearing up for the kakes & dave wedding extravaganza!!! We're both super excited for our dear friends. I know it's going to be a perfect day - exactly what kakes wants it to be... and I couldn't be happier for her. I know what it feels like to be so up in the air for so long, and to finally be hearing and doing the things you've waited so long for is so satisfying and validating. :) It's just good stuff!

Okay, kids... I think my laundry is dry - so it's off to the showers with me. Then, who knows?? Errands? Homework? TV? All is possible.

g

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands Good news will work its way to all them plans

Sometimes I feel like an impostor. Like I'm still just really a kid playing house. When I go to my doctors and discuss things like trying to get pregnant, I'm always anticipating them saying "honey, you're too young", or "that's something grown-ups do". Now, none of them has ever said anything even remotely close to that. Let's check the facts... I'm 31, married, well-educated, and stable. (ok, yes - I agree we should use "stable" sparingly when describing me... :) Noted)

So, when my period was late last week - I began to wonder, and hope (and, admittedly plan) that I might be pregnant. Helping this idea along was the fact that I was nauseous and experiencing a bit of insomnia. (which for me is very weird. seriously, I sleep better than any human has a right to. when it's time for bed, I lay down and close my eyes, and am asleep in under 3 minutes. Alex is so annoyed by that fact - and rightly so - because he has a horrible time falling asleep and has to take medicine to help him... but not me. sawing logs in under 5 minutes since 1978) I felt reasonably sure that I might be pregnant. And I was excited. I took a couple (read: 5) pregnancy tests, though, and they all came out negative. Not to be discouraged - I decided that when I went to the doctor today, I would ask her to give me a blood pregnancy test in addition to the other blood tests she was already doing. And she obliged. And it was negative too.

So here I sit. Now a week and a half late on my period and not pregnant.

To say I'm disappointed doesn't quite express the true weight of how I'm feeling. Not that I have reason to, but I'm also feeling embarrassed and guilty - like I did something wrong, and that's why I'm not pregnant. When the doctor called with the test result, I went into the bedroom, and told Alex. I cried. Then I fell asleep and slept hard. Really hard. Sometimes the emotions are so raw and real that it exhausts you, and that - I'm guessing - was what happened to me today.

Trying to get pregnant, I'm learning, is a lonely road. Because of outcomes like today (or worse ones where you ARE pregnant, and then you lose the baby) you don't tell people - except your Mom, husband, and perhaps an aunt and cousin you were with in California - that you think you might be pregnant. It's hard enough to tell that small group of people that you were wrong. I was wrong. No baby in there. Just some confused ovaries.

The upshot is - we're not to the expensive part of this journey yet. We aren't paying for IVF, or anything crazy... We're just going after this goal the old fashioned way. So - really nothing is lost. Plus, Alex is excited about keeping pace on this whole "trying" business.

Which is, at times, trying.

Keeping at it.

-g

Where are you off to today with your books and all their truths? do you find within their pages what we must not lose?

greetings friends!

Today officially kicked off my spring break, and as you would expect - I'm heading to Daytona to party rock-star style in my bikini while I do keg stands and hook up with random frat guys.

reality translation: Today officially kicked off my spring break, and as you would expect - I'm heading to the library to try to catch up on all this work I have to do in my comfiest sweatpants while I drink far too much caffeine and wish I were doing something more photo worthy.

Funny story. My Mom is spending the night at our house tonight because she has a meeting out here in the morning. So - I made dinner, and the three of us have been entertaining ourselves on our laptops, when I decided I had a sweet tooth. I baked a cake (out of the box, but hey - it was better than sucking chocolate syrup from the bottle). Once the cake was ready to eat, we all paused our typing for a dessert break. Alex, being the sweet husband that he is, cleared the table and as he was doing so, I asked him to please cover the cake with the Press 'n Seal. First, he tried to cover the cake with the cling wrap - which never works exactly how one hopes... I told him the Press 'n Seal would be easier. Mom and I resumed our conversation and all of the sudden heard a crash. When I turned around, the cake was on the floor, and Alex had the Press 'n Seal box in one hand, and a small sheet of it in the other hand, and a PRICELESS look on his face!

Really it's for the best. Three pieces of cake from a package that probably cost $1.50 is value - PLUS, now I won't be sneaking into the kitchen for nibbles of cake every hour. :) So, really Alex sacrificed his enjoyment of "chocolate cake for breakfast day" for the sake of my waistline. Told you he was a good husband!

I played a video game with Alex tonight. He is always wanting me to, and to be honest - I am always hesitant because... well, frankly I suck at most video games. But tonight, we played Peggle - which I had never heard of, let alone played. It was really fun though to be competitive about something so low stakes, and to just be relaxing with my guy.

I can't decide if I feel like tomorrow actually is one of the "work" days I've been talking about having over spring break. Part of me says that I should work tomorrow and Friday, and then maybe I can have some time at the end of spring break to loaf about. Then the other part of me says LOAF NOW, WORK LATER.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to have my blood tested. They're looking for my hormone levels and my thyroid levels. I'm looking for a nurse with a good hand who can get in, get the blood, and get out without having to stick me more than once. :) My needs are few, but crucial.

Anyway, my thought is that I will put in 6-8 hour work days over break. That should HOPEFULLY give me a chance to catch up on my own classwork. I have 2 weeks after spring break to also catch up on my grading, since my students will be in the field - and therefore not in class. So, right now - my own work is paramount. It gets the #1 position on the list of things that I cannot ignore right now.

Okay, technically #2. Right behind SLEEP!!

g

Surface slowly at your own speed waiting for some sky. We're all laughing, we're all faking just to see you smile.

I'm in class. Model student! Yep! That's me.

It's an educational sociology class. It's really interesting most nights. And it's mildly interesting tonight, but I'm having a hard time focusing. Also I am sleepy. So, I need to entertain my brain for at least a few minutes.

Spring break is next week. It used to be something I so looked forward to - SPRING BREAK WAHOOOOOOOO!!!!!! A week of fun travel, or relaxing on the couch watching Bob Barker every day. This year - it's 8 hour work days in the library, because I am SO behind. And I am a big enough nerd that I'm actually looking forward to having the time to catch up on my schoolwork.

But before that - I'm so looking forward to kakes' wedding!! I love that we totally bonded over our 5+ year ringless relationships. I remember eating peanut butter popsicles (actually just peanut butter on a spoon) in my classroom and talking about our frustrations. We weren't sure our boyfriends at the time were ever going to want to be married. And now look at us!! 2 fantastically happy married (almost) women who are in two of the best relationships I've ever seen. Our marriages are going to last. We have tested our relationships with years and years of getting to really know one another, and being in love, and being frustrated, and being happy, and being sad, and just being together.

I am so proud of us. I feel like so many marriages are the result of whirlwind romances and impulse. Not that a marriage with that kind of genesis can't succeed... But they really don't tend to.

I know - I actually 100% know - that I will be married to Alex until one of us passes away. I know that he and I will be a great example for our children. We will always communicate well, we will always choose each other first, and we will laugh together everyday. I see other men that I find attractive, and my mind occasionally begins to wander down the "what if" road - but it ALWAYS stops when I realize that were I to pursue another man, it would mean I would have to not be with Alex. And that STOPS THE PROCESS. I do not want to ever be without him. Ever.

Okay. Enough preachy preachy. Break time in class. I can focus on that.

g out

Will I catch the moon Like a bird in a cage It's for you I swoon I'm always in love

Sitting in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport waiting for my flight back to OKC.

It was a great weekend! The Beggar's Opera (at USC) was fantastic! My cousin is crazy funny & talented - and his classmates (fellow cast members) are talented and very sweet!

The weekend was a whirlwind! First - my flight out of OKC was to have departed at 6:30am was CANCELED. The airline called me at 2:30am to let me know, and tried to re-accommodate me on a flight that was to arrive in LA at 8pm... TOO LATE to see Nicky's show! After some time on the phone, at 3:15am - I had to wake Alex & leave for the airport to catch my new flight which was to leave OKC at 5:35am!! I wound up having to connect through Atlanta. (For all of you who fly ever... THE FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO LOS ANGELES IS BRUTAL!) Five hours long! Naturally, I was in the middle of the middle - so for 5 hours I was smushed in between a guy who was snotting and coughing all over the place, and a woman who was afraid to get her outfit wrinkled.

But I made it to LA by noon. Picked up my Grandmother (who flew in from Chicago) and was supposed to pick up my Aunt and other cousin - but they had missed their flight out of North Carolina, so they didn't arrive until 4.

Then once we were all at the hotel - we had to QUICK change & dress to go to dinner and Nicky's show. (which was great)

The next day - I wasn't feeling so hot, so Gram, Donna, & Manny went to a movie and I stayed at the hotel feeling puny & slept. Then - back out to dinner & Nicky's show again. (which was even better than the first time)

Sunday was relaxing. We went to the LA zoo and then took Nick to dinner at CPK for his birthday. It was great - we had so much fun! Back at the hotel - Donna, Nick, and I stayed up talking until after 1am. Wake up call was at 4:15. Am I hurting much? Um... yeah.

I am going to board a plane (a really small and COMPLETELY full one) to go home, and once there - I will be picked up by my sweetheart husband - and taken to my 4:25pm class at OU. (We are all keeping our fingers crossed that I make it there on time!)

Current time - 1:30
Original departure time - 12:55pm
Let's see how it goes.

gates out

'Cause every time I hear that melody, well, puts me up a tree,

**back post**

entry written 3.5.09

I leave in the morning for LA. I’m going to see my cousin (read: baby brother)in the USC production of The Beggar’s Opera. I’m really excited to be going, because I will also be seeing my 2 of my aunts and my grandma, and a few of my other cousins. I love being with my family.

I’ve always considered myself to be a family girl first and foremost. Like, if it were up to me, I would honestly have family reunions every summer. Only without the attitudes that my family tends to get. They get grouchy about spending their money to travel to whatever destination, and they get grouchy about spending time together – all the while they say that they want to be a close family, and that they want to spend time together.

I don’t understand it. Although my family is definitely strange. The dynamics in my family are certainly strange under the best of circumstances. My cousin, for example, dropping out of my wedding 2 months before it was scheduled to happen, and then the week of the wedding, deciding that her husband & sons wouldn’t be coming. I don’t understand her. Why can’t she be more selfless? Now – were I to confront her about it, she would say that she was being selfless by coming at all. Because the story she told me was that her husband lost her job – and they couldn’t afford to come. The problem is that the story doesn’t hold water according to what the rest of the family knows.

Maybe I’m just being overly judgmental. I’m sure she has her family priorities in place – and that she did what was best for them. And I have to realize that my wedding isn’t necessarily a priority for every person in my family. I guess, the bottom line is that I was disappointed that it wasn’t a bigger deal for her.

The impression that I get

Sometimes I wonder about myself as a teacher. I think I teach much like I am a student. I rely on my quickness to get me through. Do I read all of the assigned text? Sadly, no. Do I grade every assignment I make? Nope. Why? Well – I find that I don’t have the time to do these things. By the time I have created a lesson plan, and gotten in front of a group of students – I have run out of the time to deeply read and grade. I marvel at my professors. If they have these same issues – they do a very good job covering them up! I get back papers with insightful comments – and helpful suggestions. I attend classes in which the conversation is rich and layered – designed specifically to make me think more and more deeply about that which I was supposed to have read.


At least now, in my graduate work, I am more likely to have read the selections than I was during my undergrad. Admittedly – I skated by all through high school and college on my ability to gather what happened in the reading from the comments of my classmates – and then make my own comments accordingly.
Is this an indication that I am smart? I don’t know. I think it’s more an indication that I’ve been lucky. To not have been exposed so far is a miracle. How did my 8th graders not know that Treasure Island was too boring even for me to have read? Of course if I could have been honest with them, I would have told them that Treasure Island was not my idea – and were it up to me, they wouldn’t have had to read it. But the fact of the matter is – I required them to read it, write about it, take tests over it…

But I was unwilling to do the same.

So – what kind of a teacher does that make me? A lazy one? A scared one? I bad one?

Maybe just one who works on a blog post while her students work on classwork.

*sigh*

I see a mansford roof through the trees

Well, well, well.

Pneumonia.

The doctors said if I didn't get my protein early on - I could wind up with pneumonia. Did I believe them? Nah.

But now, here I am.

I didn't go to class last night. Largely because I didn't want to - but also because my professor is older - and I shouldn't expose people to this if at all possible. I'm not sure if I'm going to both of my classes tonight or not. I do have to go to my 7pm class. It's not one I have the luxury of missing.

I also have to teach in the morning. My Wednesday class is SO far behind - and I can't put them any further back.

So - what did I do with my evening off sick?

Laundry. TV - although I got pissed because we were DVR-ing shows last night, so I couldn't watch TV in the living room & had to settle for the office and the uncomfy couch instead. SO not as good as my super huge comfy chair & blanket set up I have out here.

It's strange - I know most people probably do this, and just don't talk about it - but whenever I am faced with a new situation, I play out the scenarios in my mind. For example - when I learned yesterday that I have pneumonia, my mind became a factory of "what if" scenarios. In one, I was hospitalized and had to medically withdraw from school... it was SUPER melodramatic. There was the whole IV, and heart monitor beeping in the background. And - the masochist in me almost roots for that kind of scenario. I've never understood why. But whenever I am sick, I almost cheer the illness on. Maybe it's an attention thing, like - if I'm sick, I know I get attention - and so I want to be sicker, longer... But I can honestly say that the very small, but present "rational" part of my brain is screaming "ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!? YOU ARE MISERABLE NOW, AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE ANY SICKER FOR ANY LONGER!" and then I return to reality pretty quickly after that.

See - you never had any idea about how truly weird I am.

I'm really just hoping that after I start the antibiotics - I feel quickly better so I can still go to LA this weekend. I would hate to miss out on that trip. (Mostly because it was the bargain of the century... I mean, $234 round trip including tax???)

Perhaps a nap will help toward that end.

Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you

This morning, I woke up hacking up a large and disgusting ball of phleghm from the depths of my lungs. I know it came from there due to it's.... (wait - this is really gross, and you probably don't want to know any more details about it, do you?)

Let me start over.

This morning I woke coughing. It was most unpleasant, and I am now acutely aware that I currently have a sinus infection. Have made yet another doctors appointment for tomorrow, which was the earliest I could get in. Now, my day will unfold before me....

Will I be able to concentrate long enough to complete my assignments due in class today at 4? Will I be able to do any laundry so I don't have to attend the afforementioned class in my pajamas? Will I even attempt to attend said class to begin with?

All good questions, friends. To which I have no answers.

Let's go see what's for breakfast.

her name was McGill, and she called herself "Lil", but everyone knew her as Nancy

Well, here I am.

Married to the man I love.

Pursuing the degree in the field I love.

Actively trying (although not at this exact moment) to conceive a child.

Completely happy? Blissful even??

Well - I'm close.

Aside from the fact that I've been on this pattern of sick for 5 days, well for 2 - for the last 4 weeks now... And that having affected my school work ever so slightly (read: I'm WAY behind), all is going swimmingly.

I'm a little in danger of taking on more than I can chew again at work. I've just taken the position of Research Assistant for my boss - a 10 hour addition to my weekly work schedule in which I will be in some schools in rural Oklahoma taking field notes. Now, the good news about all of that is that I will be included as an author on the forthcoming paper (which is a big deal) and I will ALSO get to go and present this paper with the team in December at the NRC. (National Reading Conference.. Big deal in my field)

I'm also a facebook fiend, and joining up with the Twitteratti...

Yeah - I'm THAT cool.

In other (read: not about me) news... One of my besties is getting married! Super excited about kakes' upcoming nuptuals!! We had a festive, debaucherous, and flat out fantastic time at her bachelorette party this weekend. Pin the "macho" on the "man" (read: Aiden)... A rice krispie treat member fashioning contest... Risque pictionary... Plus all the other fun and racy things we girls do when we get together. (And, no... for any men out there, that does NOT include a pillow fight in our panties, or ANY sort of orgy in or out of the jacuzzi tub) <- Did I get those questions from any men in my life. *sigh* yes.

Alex (my husband) :) is doing really well in school. He made it unscathed through his first semester of his master's degree. I couldn't be prouder of him. Not only is he taking 9 hours this term, but he works out every day. EVERY DAY. I do not have that kind of commitment. I would like to - but, ehem... this part isn't supposed to be about me.

Anyway - Alex has been doing all kinds of great things for this world recently. His Grandpa had quadruple bypass surgery in January, and Alex committed to being his workout buddy. So everyday, Alex calls him and says that it's time to work out... Grandpa goes and walks around his house, and Alex hits the treadmill. How cute is my husband, I ask you?!?

How was the wedding?

It was the most perfect day I've ever spent. Relaxing at the begining, surrounded by my closest friends and family. Exciting at the middle, and romantic during the ceremony... The dinner, the dancing, the friendship & fun... It truly couldn't have been better.

The honeymoon - to El Dorado Royale on Riviera Maya in Mexico was SUPER awesome. Drinks brought to us to our private palapa on the beach, AMAZING food, we literally layzed about having 24 hour room service brought to us in our suite, on the beach, etc... we did go out one day snorkeling and Alex got to ride on a spinacher (sp?). Otherwise, it was SUPER relaxing and romantic. The perfect honeymoon in my humble opinion.

When we got home, we had a pile of laundry over 4 feet high. It was intimidating, but I powered through it - and am now working on recreating that act of genius.

Okay. As requested by my known audience of 1... I will do my best to update more frequently. I make no guarantees.