02 ytnewT/Twenty 20

I'm writing to you from my bed this evening. It's FREEZING in our house tonight. I can't really tell you why - but I am under the covers typing - and making all kinds of typos cause I'm damn near shivering.

Things are going well. I had a long conversation with Angie tonight about my relationship. Suffice it to say - she thinks I need to give Alex a chance to miss me some. I am thinking she might not be wrong. Unfortunately - I am committed to being here until he goes to San Diego - at which point I was already planning to visit Norman. So - it'll be a couple of weeks - and then he won't be missing me because I'm gone, because he'll be gone too. You know - I'll be back at work before anyone knows it - and he can miss me then. For nine months. Because when I'm working - I'm a crazy, out of control, no time for myself lunatic.

I made a romantic pajama picnic for us this evening. Originally - I was planning to have us eat on the floor. But I served rice, and it's too hard to balance a plate on your lap while trying to eat dozens of tiny little grains of rice - so I opted for the table. I put down a red and white checkered table cloth - lit several candles. I served parmesan crusted chicken, rice pilaf, salad, green beans, baguette, and boursin cheese. I also had Rosa Regale champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries for dessert! (That's right, boys... I'm the total package)

Mentioning the total package reminds me of something that Angie said tonight on the phone. She said that I have lost a big part of who I was. That I used to be a confident, sassy lil' thing who knew what she wanted, and exactly how to get it. Who would not settle for bullshit - and who wasn't willing to compromise her principles just to be with a man. She said that I am compromising too much. That I have lost the part of me who won't rest until she has what she wants. I never see this side of me. I've never once noticed it while it is happening. But thinking back on my life - I can recognize the girl she is talking about as myself. I was something else. If I saw a guy I wanted... he didn't stand a chance. He was mine. Then, of course, I would get to know him, and decide that he didn't have a clue - and I'd dump him. That's just how it always was. Now - I'm with Alex. And he has a clue, he does. But why have I become this woman who is so willing to wait and wait for a man. Three years and counting?!? Former Amber would not have waited this long. Former Amber would have said "Look here - I'm going this direction, and if you're going that way too - then we can go together, but if you're not, then this is where we say goodbye." And I guess I did sort of do that when I moved to Chicago. I was going my own way. I wasn't going to stick around for a man who never wanted to get married or have kids. But his song changed. And now he's open to the ideas of marriage and kids. And I find myself here in his waiting room. Patiently flipping through Highlights magazine, and not terribly conscious of the fact that my former self would NEVER have done something like this. So what does this mean? Have I grown? Am I a better person now? Am I just weak? Does it mean that Alex is indeed the right one for me because he was the one who could finally tame my wild nature? Or am I over-domesticated, and headed for a big fall after realizing that I have been stifled? That's what happened to my Mom. She became a person she wasn't for the sake of marriage and kids. (Well, kid. She did it for me) But I don't want to wake up one day twenty years from now and regret losing my identity entirely in a relationship. I still want to be sassy and confident. I still want to amaze myself and others with my will to see something I want, and make it my own.

I know that in relationships - you are supposed to blend together as one while still maintaining your individuality. And I know that is a delicate balance. What I do not know is how much of myself is acceptable to lose - and how much is acceptable to keep? I look at some of my friends' relationships and I wonder, "Have they given up too much? How much is too much?" Does there always have to be one who primarily takes and one who primarily gives in any relationship? If that's the case - then I'm the giver. But it gets so exhausting. Angie said that Alex should be making me romantic candle lit dinners. That everyday I come home, he should feel so lucky that I am coming home to him - and that he should treat me like a million bucks - because I am a million bucks. To that I say - maybe. But I sure am sitting on a really comfy Stearns and Foster bed right now. And I sure do live in a house that I couldn't afford on my own. I have all of these material things around me. Anything I even look cross-eyed at, he gets me. And I think that maybe that is his way of treating me like a million bucks. I don't think that all people can express themselves exactly the way their partners would hope. For instance - my candlelit dinner - though Alex really appreciated it - might not be his idea of an ideal romantic evening. It's mine - and so that is what I have to give him. Perhaps we can only give what we know.