Today was a day for being in a bad mood. Every other year, my Mom's side of the family has a family reunion. We go to different locations around the US, and it's usually pretty fun. The reason we decided to start having these reunions 10 years ago was that we were a family who only really got together for funerals and weddings.
The reunion in 2000 became a bit of a fiasco because my Mom was engaged at the time, and the family decided that fiancees were not going to be welcome. Was this because they just didn't like Mom's fiancee, or Mom, or did they truly believe that being engaged wasn't a serious enough commitment to consider you part of the family?? Or, was it that they really thought that it would be morally corrupting for their children to see two people in love who weren't married? Honestly, I don't know what the real reason was. They seemed to proclaim that it was the latter. That even if he did come, they couldn't *gasp* sleep in the same bed together, because that would send the wrong message.
When did being in love become the wrong message to send? We do not begin to love somebody on the day of our wedding. We fall in love first. Then, sometimes years later, get married.
Why is it that people outside of your relationship need such specific definitions and items of proof to respect the fact that you are in a committed and lasting relationship?
The problem now becomes the reunion in 2007. Plans are starting to form. And I want Alex to go. (and he wants to go) But I already know that if we aren't at the very least engaged, that I will be told that he can't go. And then what? I go to a reunion and spend a week with a group of people who don't respect my relationship? Or I stay home, and boycott the reunion? Alex is upset about it. And I don't blame him. If I were considering marrying into a family who wouldn't accept me until I was married, I'd be thinking twice.
It makes me feel like I'm 17 years old asking to bring my boyfriend who I've been dating on and off for 2 months. It makes me feel like my family won't see me as an adult, or a valid person, until I am married. And even then, maybe not until I have children.
I love my family. I have always felt like we were a pretty tight group. I have looked forward to these reunions since they began. (Even 2005's reunion for which we went to Ohio and just drove around looking at graveyards where our ancestors were burried) But I constantly feel like I am being judged by them. They, who so loudly proclaim to be Christian. And, it could be that I'm interpreting this all wrong.
But when I hear things like, "well, I don't mind if Alex comes, but I don't have any small children" It makes me want to scream!
How can a strong relationship based on love, trust, and mutual respect be a poor influence on a child?!?!? How can a couple who have been committed to one another for 3 years (four by then) be offensive simply because they don't have rings, or a legal document defining their relationship??
It would be one thing if we were all over each other, and planning on having sex right there in front of everyone.
It would be one thing if we wanted to preach anti-Christian sentiments to the children in an attempt to convert them to the godless lives which we must obviously live.
But all we want is to spend some time with my family. Maybe have a couple of meals, watch some movies, play some air hockey. I don't even think it would be that huge of an issue if we had to sleep in separate beds so as to not offend. Although that would be rediculous too.
So - what do I do?
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A little girl in the middle of the ride
8 comments:
Amen Ber.
I hate when religion dictates family government... and the american government (but that's not happening right now, is it?) <- blatant sarcasm...
Who put the Christians in charge of the family and said that they could boss around and/or censor their family members based on their own beliefs? Family is family. I don't see any children who are destroyed by the presence of a long term/serious significant other, even if they sleep in the same bed. I DO see children who are destroyed and rebel on their own because they've been sheltered their whole lives from the real world. I fully plan on and depend on living with somebody before marriage.. how else will you test committment and see if it will really work? The precedent has already been set for this relationship rule, and though I hope it changes for you, I'm not sure it will. But please come. I would hate for you not to be there. It's only going to be what? 1 week?
Then again, I suppose you must respect the authority of your elders.
But then again again... your mother IS one of those elders.
What a mess.
I suppose the only motive for cooperation is to avoid tension and conflict at an otherwise happy, fun, family event.
Sheesh...
Thanks for the solidarity! It's nice to know that while I stage this coup, I have people on my side. Cathy is with you. I'm just going to bring him. He wants to be there, I want him to be there, and - truth be told - I would be so devestated to miss a family reunion. Especially if it were due to a dictating attitude from anyone putting their beliefs on me. I am so glad that Alex and I decided to test the waters and live together first. I am now 100% sure that we could make a marriage work. I know that we can live together, and I know exactly what role I play in our household. I think that the high divorce rate is thanks in large to people being shocked that the person they married wasn't the same person they courted and dated. Let's be real - we are DRASTICALLY different when we are courting and dating then how we are when we are cranky or have the flu or just want to spend a lazy vegged-out day on the sofa with TBS movies.
Here's the thing... In each generation there comes a time when the "children" become the "adults". That time, in our family, seems to be now. If the "adults" don't want to accept us for the strange, non-conformist, pushing-the-envelope little freaks that we are, then we'll just have to relieve them of their duties as "the ones in charge", and create our own reunions.
Come to think about it - that's GENIUS!! Why haven't we done that? ;)
I definitely agree.
Bring him on! If any unwanted tensions rise up, I know they won't be among the cousins, they will be among the siblings as they always have been. If they don't know how to have a peaceful reunion, you're right, the cousins sure do.
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