Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice you've made it now

Rehearsal dinner was tonight for kakes. It was really nice. The ranch where the ceremony will be is really pretty. We had a good time, enjoyed some delicious food - and fantastic company!

I couldn't help but feel bad all night though. I didn't do anything to help set up for tonight's festivities. There were so many people helping, and I realize that if anything had needed to be done, kakes would have called me - and I'd have done whatever it was. But - I still feel like I should have done more. I was telling Alex that I was feeling bad, and he asked kakes if there were any more we could do. She said no, and that she'd really need a lot of help in October for her reception. And I'll be excited to help then, of course.

I think the problem is that she did so much for our wedding, she went SO FAR above and beyond - that I wanted to return the favor. She did everything... from keeping me calm to helping set up every step of the way. She was johnny on the spot from the second I asked her to be my maid of honor, till the morning after the wedding. She was the model maid of honor. I really think that were she to write a book about how to be a great maid of honor, she'd make millions. Everything she did was appropriate, well timed, needed, and appreciated.

Part of the problem also is that all of her friends (myself excluded) are just like her. She has 3 really close friends who have been there helping and setting up and plan, etc... PLUS - her 2 sisters, her mom, her mother-in-law... It's just a lot of people, ALL of whom absolutely adore kakes (because, really folks - kakes is AWESOME) and all of whom want to help her. Alex said it's a case of too many cooks in the kitchen.

Rationally, I know that there isn't anything more I realistically need to be doing. I just so wanted to be helpful to her. I've never had such a good girlfriend. She is so selfless, so adaptable, so... gah - she's just freakin great.

Anyhow, tomorrow is her wedding. It will be beautiful and fabulous. I know I'm going to cry, because it's really just too sweet the two of them. They are VERY well matched in every way, and being around them is honestly like being in the presence of true love. It makes me feel happy and hopeful. I like to think that we will be close friends forever, and our kids will grow up together, and they will see us as their parents so much in love, and so happy - that they will grow up to find relationships like ours are, and that will help to make the world a better place.

Ever the cockeyed optimist, I dare to dream. :)

In other news, I did do something QUITE out of character for me this evening... At one point, kakes' brother started playing the song "Falling Slowly" on his guitar. He was singing it quietly, and I was standing close by... For those of you who don't know the song, it's a duet with a man and a woman. Really beautiful harmony throughout the song. So, I was harmonizing with him. I don't think I was doing it loud enough for anyone really to hear, because no one seemed to notice. But I did it because I have a regret from 11 years ago that has haunted me all this time, and I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen again...

When I was living in France, I was always around a lot of international students. After our classes one day, a group of us were hanging around in the courtyard, and one guy had his guitar out. He was asking what bands people liked, and I said that The Beatles were (and still are, thank you!) my favorite. He started to play "Rocky Raccoon" and wanted me to sing with him. I should have. I knew the words, I love that song, and it would have been a great time if we were all singing, and being festive. But I clammed up like an idiot, and refused to sing. What 11 more years of being a person have taught me is that people enjoy the people who help a party (or social gathering) to be more fun. People like the extrovert who will mingle with people she doesn't know, and who will sing along with a piano or guitar when the opportunity arises. People like the person who is comfortable in her won skin enough to not be worried that she doesn't sing like a pop star - because if she did, she'd probably be one. We all just like normal every day people who unapologetic ally do what they do. People who aren't afraid to be themselves, and put themselves out there for everyone to see. That's the kind of person I'm always trying to allow myself to be. I honestly think that person is inside of me. I think I have the capacity to be outgoing and confident and witty - even when I'm not playing on my home turf. I just get in my own way about things - and who knows why.

Anyway, I saw my little attempt tonight as a step in the right direction. Albeit a small step, it was a step nonetheless. However, I definitely don't get any points for sticking to Alex's side for most of the night, and not really mingling with the people I don't know. I was a bit anti-social. I get overwhelmed at other people's family functions - because I don't want to be in the way, or to be in some one's spot who needs to be there more because they are family. Luckily, in this case, kakes and dave's families are super laid back and really sweet. And, with so few people in attendance at this wedding - I don't have to worry so much. I think tomorrow, I'll feel more relaxed.

Despite the sound of this post - I really did have a good time tonight. I'm just airing my own insecurities here - because this is a blog, and where else can one do those things?


gates out

PS

Kakes - when you read this, and I know you will... you are NOT allowed to feel bad about anything I've written. I'm just being ridiculous - but I needed a place to vent. I had a fantastic time, and I am really just so floored, and humbled to have been invited. You really are the most wonderful friend.

-g