there's one man, he's like the wishful thinking in my life, i see so and he's like the wine on the weekend...

ugh.

the weekend already.

spring break came and went far too fast. i didn't get enough done. not by half. all of a sudden, my homework completion is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. And I'm getting a little panicky.

but alex will be gone tomorrow afternoon and evening at his nerd game, and so i'll have the freedom to work. one would think the shear fact that the majority of this stuff is due monday and tuesday would be motivation enough for me to want to get them done... but honestly, i'd much rather just sit around in my jammies, order pizza, and watch cheesy movies on tbs like any other spring break day.

i am starting to hate this whole phd thing.

really. i keep asking myself, "what am i doing, and why am i doing it?". is all of this really necessary for me to be a self-actualized happy adult human being? is my competitive nature so overpowering that i won't be happy until i have those three little letters behind my name. do those letters legitimize me as a person, as a scholar, as a professional, or at all?

i really need to figure out what my real reason is for doing all of this. because without knowing that - it becomes really easy to start to plan an exit strategy.

i think that part of (and granted, it is a small part) but part of the reason i was so disappointed in not actually being pregnant a couple of weeks ago was that i figured if i were pregnant, i would have to stop running at this pace. if i have a baby - and i stop school to raise my child, that's okay in my mind. if i stop going to school because i decide it isn't for me - well, that's probably a cop out.

i was discussing this with a classmate earlier this week: what kind of a person am i? what do i value, what do i place the most importance on?

for me personally... i place the most importance on my husband and my family. school is easily tertiary to them. when i have kids - i know that my most important job will be to take care of them. at that point, having a phd or not doesn't matter, because i'll have a much more important 3 letters - m.o.m

so, if that's the case, then am i just biding my time til i get pregnant, and amusing myself with this cute little "hobby" that has swiftly become a HUMONGOUS pain in the arse?? am i no better than the girls who go to college simply to earn their "MRS" degree? am i wasting my time working on something which i have no intention of finishing?

the answer is - i don't know.

the plan, if i get to plan these types of things, which we all know i don't - but i digress... the plan, as it is right now, is for me to take 12 hours this summer, 12 in the fall, and 12 in the spring - thus completing my coursework in spring of 2010. then, alex and i will move back to Tulsa in june of '10 - and i will be pregnant at that time. i will have the baby, and when it is around 6 months old, i'll start work on the dissertation.

now, in a realistic situation where every one is being honest - do i even begin, let alone complete, a dissertation with an infant at home?

my gut reaction is - nope.

so, back to my question - that being the case... WHAT AM I DOING??

now - let's talk long term goal... were i to successfully earn the doctorate - what would i do with it? my answer to that question has been "i will either teach at the university level, or i will consult and actually make some money". were i to teach at the university level - there would have to be some strict caveats in place, such as - i would need to teach at a NON research university. i don't have any interest or desire to be in a cut-throat, competitive situation. i don't have any interest or desire to be required to publish articles in journals every semester. i don't have any interest or desire to put my husband or children on the back burner while i tend to my job. frankly - right now, i don't have any interest or desire to have a job at all. i just want to be a wife and a mom.

so now what?

g