When the truth is found to be lies And all the joy within you dies

Spring break is over.

Boo.

I did not get all caught up as I intended. No big surprise there. I am almost finished with one of the big assignments that I have due this week. I still have 1 more big assignment (due Monday night) and 1 more moderate-sized one.

Plus, I have to do a lot for my new research job this week. Aaaand I have to go check in on my students during their field experience in an elementary school.

In other words - I'm busy, tired, behind, and still overwhelmed. Alex doesn't like that I'm questioning whether I really need to pursue this degree or not right now. He even hijacked the phone at one point while I was talking to kakes today and tattled on me, thinking she would get me back on track... But I asked her to differ judgment until she reads my posts here. I think I've made a compelling argument for being legitimately confused.

I looked online at homes in Tulsa yesterday. I really wish we could move there this summer as opposed to next. I found some cute homes that would be great for us - and the prices were just what we are looking to spend. (Mostly because I set the parameters of the search to come out that way... but I digress)

I'm ready to no longer be in transit. I want to be permananent. I want to own a home, not be moving in the near future. Not be working on a degree, not be trying to get pregnant, not be waiting around for the nest part of life to begin.

Not that I'm not living my life right now. But the mentality in grad school is DEFINITELY - "suffer now, and enjoy life later". And I'm becoming less and less okay with that motto. Especially since I look at my professors - and they are still largely suffering. There is only one professor I've worked with here who seems to have it all, and I think it's because he's a man. He and his wife have 3 adorable kids, and he spends lots of time with them. He presents, publishes, and he doesn't seem to be dragged down by the politics, or the bullshit that come along with the job. It's just a job - it doesn't have to be his whole life. But there is a different set of expectations and requirements for women in that position. We are expected to sacrifice time with our families - or we are seen as weak and emotional. There was a Sex and the City episode about this. Women have to play by a different set of rules to get the jobs they want. And the bottom line is - when I have a job, I want to do it 100%. When I half-ass a job, I feel bad about myself as a person. And if being a professor brings with it the job requirement that I sacrifice my personal time with my family... I do NOT want that job.

I want a job that requires no more than 40 hours of my time away from my family. I want a job that allows me to feel good about myself, without feeling like I should be doing more.

And I do realize that it all depends on my approach to the job. There is a grad assistant here who teaches the science portion of the group of classes where I teach the literacy part... She is incredible. She says - "I am willing to take ___ many hours per semester, and teach ____ many hours per semester and NO more." and she means it. She does not feel bad about saying "no", and she does not feel like she is doing less of a good job when she says no. She feels that her family is more important, and she acts accordingly. The problem is - I don't think I'm capable of being that firm and strong. I would feel guilty all the time.

Which is part of the reason I don't want to work at all when we have little ones at home. I don't want to be tempted to take on too much in a job - and wind up missing a first step, or a first word - or even a 10th word. I want to be there with my kids and experience all the little moments that zoom past at warp speed. I want to be present with my family. Marmee was amazing when I was a kid - and she took on the world... and I had lots of babysitters, and eventually became quite self-reliant. And I'm thankful to her for that, because I am the person I am today because of how I was raised... But she missed things with me that I am unwilling to miss with my kids.

Every time I sit and think about this - I keep coming to the solution that I don't know what I'm doing, and I certainly don't know why I'm doing it. And when I come to that realization - I am faced with: what would I do otherwise? Were I to stop pursuing this degree, I would have to get a job - and then I'm right back where I was before.

I guess I'm realizing that I can't have it all, and so I'm going to have to choose what it is that I want to have.

And therein lies the problem.

g out