Okay. We're home. And before I launch into any kind of a run down of my vacation, let me first hit 2 very important points:
1 - My left hand did not come back any heavier than when I left.
2 - Neither did my wallet.
Now that that's out of the way, let's commence... Vegas was HOTTER THAN HELL. But fun. I certainly understand better now why people love to go there. I never thought I'd be one to enjoy gambling, but I really did. And I LOVED the shows. We saw Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed; Ka (Cirque du Soleil); and Phantom of the Opera. . The most spectacular of which was without question Ka. I could never do it justice, but let me just say this: It snowed in the fucking theatre. It was insane! There was even a fight scene which was done vertically. It was wicked.
Lewis Black was funny. It was so vegas! The seats were half-booth things with tables. Exactly what I expected it to be like. I half expected Wayne Newton to come out. :) :
Phantom. Okay - so for those of you who do not know this side of me: I am a theatre snob. I want to be seated in the orchestra section, or I pretty well don't want to go. And for all of these shows, we had AMAZING seats. All in the orchestra section. All in the first 5 rows. But for Phantom, that was a little too close. The chandelier fell behind us. Other than that, the theatre in which Phantom is held is INSANE! They have it all done up like a 19th century opera house. The sets were so cool. But for some reason (and I am guessing that Andrew Lloyd Webber had something to do with this) they changed the musical. Kind of a lot. Much like the movie (released last year-ish) the chandelier fell at the wrong part. Originally, it came crashing down during the part where Carlotta's voice gets a little froggy, and then he hangs a guy. Then, there would be an intermission, followed by the spectacular "Masquerade" scene. But they did not drop the chandelier until "Don Juan Triumphant". This pisses me off on a whole lot of levels. There were other parts that were skipped. I am sure that since it was Vegas, they were trying to be time conscious. But don't fuck with my favorite musical! (And, as for Mr. Webber - because I'm sure he reads my blog - What are you doing, man??? Don't change things now. Phantom was a masterpiece. Leave it the fuck alone!) Meanwhile, the Venetian needs to get some better ushers, AND they need to NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO COME INTO A SHOW THIRTY MINUTES LATE!!! So, first, the usher is trying to seat people, DURING THE SHOW, and he is SPEAKING IN HIS NORMAL TALKING VOICE TO THESE PEOPLE! You've got to be effin kidding me! SHUT UP FOR FUCK SAKE! Then, the same usher brings in a family of 3 whose seats were (naturally) in the very middle of the row right behind us. The lady clocked Alex in the back of his head with her purse. People honestly have no couth!
Once I got over all of that, it was a great experience. And, yes - I still cried from the moment the overture began, until the last note was played. I identify so much with the Phantom. And it just rips my heart out how much he loves Christine, and how he cannot have her. (meanwhile, I'm the only one in my party who cried. I'm also the only one who identifies with the Phantom) Whatever.
We stayed at Bally's. I can reccomend staying there. It was in a great location, and cheaper than a lot of other places, and really not gross and sleazy. The view from our room was insane! There was the Eiffel Tower (from the Paris casino) AND we could see the Bellagio water show perfectly from our room too. We have some great pictures which I will post later on.
We flew on Champion Air with Worry Free Vacations. I cannot reccomend flying Champion. The people were great. It wasn't the people. But the planes. They were cramped, and they were HOTTER THAN THE BLAZES OF HELL.
Also on our trip, we celebrated Alex's birthday. I had a ring custom designed for him. It is beautiful, and I think he likes it! :) His brother gave him a WAY cooler gift. But I can't write about it on here yet.
Okay, kids... I do believe it is time for some guilt free nappage. (Cause napping while in Vegas is empty and joyless - because all you can think is: "I should be out doing something")
Pics to follow.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Can you hear that ticking???
I have my nephew with me this week. It's a little intimidating. I'm used to him being a baby. But he's a pre-teen! He's still young enough that he likes to watch cartoons. But he's old enough that he has an IPOD Nano, and a PSP. What is intimidating is I don't know how to entertain him. When he was a baby, it was enough just to be around. We could be running errands or whatever, and he was happy.
Now, he wants to do stuff. Go swimming. To the movies. Anywhere there might be other kids his age.
And yet, the other night, as he fell asleep while we were watching a movie, Alex looked at me and whispered "somebody's falling asleep" and I looked over at "the baby" and thought...I want one of my own.
The next day, we took him for an ice cream, and the guy behind the counter said I was a nice Mom. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I said, "actually, I'm his aunt, but thank you" But on the inside I said "I'm not a mom... I am (so far) a barren wasteland!!"
Alright. MUCH to do today.
May be a while between posts.
Hope you can live without your Amber fix.
Now, he wants to do stuff. Go swimming. To the movies. Anywhere there might be other kids his age.
And yet, the other night, as he fell asleep while we were watching a movie, Alex looked at me and whispered "somebody's falling asleep" and I looked over at "the baby" and thought...I want one of my own.
The next day, we took him for an ice cream, and the guy behind the counter said I was a nice Mom. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I said, "actually, I'm his aunt, but thank you" But on the inside I said "I'm not a mom... I am (so far) a barren wasteland!!"
Alright. MUCH to do today.
May be a while between posts.
Hope you can live without your Amber fix.
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Significance of Others
I just rolled back into Tulsa an hour ago. I am still high from being with all of my old pals! It is so easy to forget how important your friends are to your self-esteem until you've been deprived of them for a long period of time. Seeing them again was like jumping in to a refreshingly cool pool on a hot day. And even if I come out shivering, I'm still glad I got to take a dip.
Laura's recent email summed it up perfectly - Because you don't see someone on a daily basis, you feel that you're uninvolved in their life, but then you think back on it - and all the history you have with that person (or people) and you can see that your relationship with them is quite involoved.
She put it more eloquently.
I have recently comforted myself with the idea that I was glad of having no local friends because that meant no drama. Which is true - my life has very little drama. (unless I create it myself) But my life lacks Angie, and Laura, and Chad, and Tiffany, and Scott, and Rob, and although those are just the people I saw this weekend, my life lacks so many more of my old friends. You know, I said that I was worried I was loosing that person who I used to be. It's not because she's been stifled, or because my relationship with Alex has put my former self on a back burner. It's the absence of those people in my life who make that side of me appear. I was her again this weekend. I was witty, and funny, and charming, and confident. I didn't feel the need to hide in a corner to avoid being noticed. I knew that the people who surrounded me did so because they genuinely like being with me. (I don't want this to come out wrong... I know that the people in Tulsa genuinely like being with me... But they are my family, and they have to love me. My friends on the other hand, they CHOOSE to love me.)
I feel so good right now. It really is like a high. I know that in a couple of days, I'll forget the particular feeling I had when Angie and I laughed ourselves into asthma attacks - or how it felt to sit at a table with my girls last night trading blow job secrets and laughing so loudly that everyone else was jealous of our fun. I'll remember that it was great, but I won't be able to still feel it. Like I can right now.
These people built me up to a level of confidence I haven't seen since I moved away from Norman in 2004. I really hope I was able to do the same for them. Because I love every single one of them SO much. I hope that they were able to tell how funny, special, beautiful (or handsome - in some cases) and rare they are. These are some of the greatest people on the planet. And I am a better person for having them in my life.
Perhaps it is for that reason that I hesitate to find a new group of friends. None can live up to my Norman pals. No days can live up to the Halray Dr. days, or the Dolet days, or the nights at Bill's. I'm telling you, I know there are good times to be had in the future - but those days were LEGENDARY!
Alright - there's my love song for my friends. After hearing I read on your blog..." more than a couple of times this weekend, I know you guys are out there reading... Suffering, laughing, crying, and enjoying sweet little victories (and earthquakes) along with me.
Thank you SO much!
...more to come :)
Laura's recent email summed it up perfectly - Because you don't see someone on a daily basis, you feel that you're uninvolved in their life, but then you think back on it - and all the history you have with that person (or people) and you can see that your relationship with them is quite involoved.
She put it more eloquently.
I have recently comforted myself with the idea that I was glad of having no local friends because that meant no drama. Which is true - my life has very little drama. (unless I create it myself) But my life lacks Angie, and Laura, and Chad, and Tiffany, and Scott, and Rob, and although those are just the people I saw this weekend, my life lacks so many more of my old friends. You know, I said that I was worried I was loosing that person who I used to be. It's not because she's been stifled, or because my relationship with Alex has put my former self on a back burner. It's the absence of those people in my life who make that side of me appear. I was her again this weekend. I was witty, and funny, and charming, and confident. I didn't feel the need to hide in a corner to avoid being noticed. I knew that the people who surrounded me did so because they genuinely like being with me. (I don't want this to come out wrong... I know that the people in Tulsa genuinely like being with me... But they are my family, and they have to love me. My friends on the other hand, they CHOOSE to love me.)
I feel so good right now. It really is like a high. I know that in a couple of days, I'll forget the particular feeling I had when Angie and I laughed ourselves into asthma attacks - or how it felt to sit at a table with my girls last night trading blow job secrets and laughing so loudly that everyone else was jealous of our fun. I'll remember that it was great, but I won't be able to still feel it. Like I can right now.
These people built me up to a level of confidence I haven't seen since I moved away from Norman in 2004. I really hope I was able to do the same for them. Because I love every single one of them SO much. I hope that they were able to tell how funny, special, beautiful (or handsome - in some cases) and rare they are. These are some of the greatest people on the planet. And I am a better person for having them in my life.
Perhaps it is for that reason that I hesitate to find a new group of friends. None can live up to my Norman pals. No days can live up to the Halray Dr. days, or the Dolet days, or the nights at Bill's. I'm telling you, I know there are good times to be had in the future - but those days were LEGENDARY!
Alright - there's my love song for my friends. After hearing I read on your blog..." more than a couple of times this weekend, I know you guys are out there reading... Suffering, laughing, crying, and enjoying sweet little victories (and earthquakes) along with me.
Thank you SO much!
...more to come :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Family Ties
Today was a day for being in a bad mood. Every other year, my Mom's side of the family has a family reunion. We go to different locations around the US, and it's usually pretty fun. The reason we decided to start having these reunions 10 years ago was that we were a family who only really got together for funerals and weddings.
The reunion in 2000 became a bit of a fiasco because my Mom was engaged at the time, and the family decided that fiancees were not going to be welcome. Was this because they just didn't like Mom's fiancee, or Mom, or did they truly believe that being engaged wasn't a serious enough commitment to consider you part of the family?? Or, was it that they really thought that it would be morally corrupting for their children to see two people in love who weren't married? Honestly, I don't know what the real reason was. They seemed to proclaim that it was the latter. That even if he did come, they couldn't *gasp* sleep in the same bed together, because that would send the wrong message.
When did being in love become the wrong message to send? We do not begin to love somebody on the day of our wedding. We fall in love first. Then, sometimes years later, get married.
Why is it that people outside of your relationship need such specific definitions and items of proof to respect the fact that you are in a committed and lasting relationship?
The problem now becomes the reunion in 2007. Plans are starting to form. And I want Alex to go. (and he wants to go) But I already know that if we aren't at the very least engaged, that I will be told that he can't go. And then what? I go to a reunion and spend a week with a group of people who don't respect my relationship? Or I stay home, and boycott the reunion? Alex is upset about it. And I don't blame him. If I were considering marrying into a family who wouldn't accept me until I was married, I'd be thinking twice.
It makes me feel like I'm 17 years old asking to bring my boyfriend who I've been dating on and off for 2 months. It makes me feel like my family won't see me as an adult, or a valid person, until I am married. And even then, maybe not until I have children.
I love my family. I have always felt like we were a pretty tight group. I have looked forward to these reunions since they began. (Even 2005's reunion for which we went to Ohio and just drove around looking at graveyards where our ancestors were burried) But I constantly feel like I am being judged by them. They, who so loudly proclaim to be Christian. And, it could be that I'm interpreting this all wrong.
But when I hear things like, "well, I don't mind if Alex comes, but I don't have any small children" It makes me want to scream!
How can a strong relationship based on love, trust, and mutual respect be a poor influence on a child?!?!? How can a couple who have been committed to one another for 3 years (four by then) be offensive simply because they don't have rings, or a legal document defining their relationship??
It would be one thing if we were all over each other, and planning on having sex right there in front of everyone.
It would be one thing if we wanted to preach anti-Christian sentiments to the children in an attempt to convert them to the godless lives which we must obviously live.
But all we want is to spend some time with my family. Maybe have a couple of meals, watch some movies, play some air hockey. I don't even think it would be that huge of an issue if we had to sleep in separate beds so as to not offend. Although that would be rediculous too.
So - what do I do?
The reunion in 2000 became a bit of a fiasco because my Mom was engaged at the time, and the family decided that fiancees were not going to be welcome. Was this because they just didn't like Mom's fiancee, or Mom, or did they truly believe that being engaged wasn't a serious enough commitment to consider you part of the family?? Or, was it that they really thought that it would be morally corrupting for their children to see two people in love who weren't married? Honestly, I don't know what the real reason was. They seemed to proclaim that it was the latter. That even if he did come, they couldn't *gasp* sleep in the same bed together, because that would send the wrong message.
When did being in love become the wrong message to send? We do not begin to love somebody on the day of our wedding. We fall in love first. Then, sometimes years later, get married.
Why is it that people outside of your relationship need such specific definitions and items of proof to respect the fact that you are in a committed and lasting relationship?
The problem now becomes the reunion in 2007. Plans are starting to form. And I want Alex to go. (and he wants to go) But I already know that if we aren't at the very least engaged, that I will be told that he can't go. And then what? I go to a reunion and spend a week with a group of people who don't respect my relationship? Or I stay home, and boycott the reunion? Alex is upset about it. And I don't blame him. If I were considering marrying into a family who wouldn't accept me until I was married, I'd be thinking twice.
It makes me feel like I'm 17 years old asking to bring my boyfriend who I've been dating on and off for 2 months. It makes me feel like my family won't see me as an adult, or a valid person, until I am married. And even then, maybe not until I have children.
I love my family. I have always felt like we were a pretty tight group. I have looked forward to these reunions since they began. (Even 2005's reunion for which we went to Ohio and just drove around looking at graveyards where our ancestors were burried) But I constantly feel like I am being judged by them. They, who so loudly proclaim to be Christian. And, it could be that I'm interpreting this all wrong.
But when I hear things like, "well, I don't mind if Alex comes, but I don't have any small children" It makes me want to scream!
How can a strong relationship based on love, trust, and mutual respect be a poor influence on a child?!?!? How can a couple who have been committed to one another for 3 years (four by then) be offensive simply because they don't have rings, or a legal document defining their relationship??
It would be one thing if we were all over each other, and planning on having sex right there in front of everyone.
It would be one thing if we wanted to preach anti-Christian sentiments to the children in an attempt to convert them to the godless lives which we must obviously live.
But all we want is to spend some time with my family. Maybe have a couple of meals, watch some movies, play some air hockey. I don't even think it would be that huge of an issue if we had to sleep in separate beds so as to not offend. Although that would be rediculous too.
So - what do I do?
Monday, July 17, 2006
As the head spins
Greetings oh ye few, but faithful!!
Welcome to my Sunday night. Technically, it's Monday morning. But I haven't been to sleep yet - so it counts as Sunday still for me.
The weekend has flown by (as they are all begining to) and I am faced again with another week. Less than one month to go before I am back to work. *Sigh* I know I've complained and complained about being bored - but I think I'll complain even more about the 6am wake-up calls that will commence Aug 15th. Really, the next few days are the last of the lazy boring days. This week is Norman, the next week will be Vegas, the next week Marmee's party - then back to work. We are on the downhill slope. And I'm already looking forward to May. Of 2007. ;)
While home, I've been doing what any good couch potato would do... watching Oprah. Last week, she had her Debt Diet show on all week. I learned a lot about how to budget. I even decided to revamp my spending habits to try and speed up the paying off my student loan process. I think the quickest I can do it (without some unforseen windfall of cash coming my way) is going to be 9 years. Man! That's a LONG time. I'll be on 40's doorstep instead of 30's. It's crazy to think of myself as thirtysomething. I have a hard enough time comprehending that I am not a teenager still. Do you think that our mental age stops at about 18? Sometimes I really think mine did. Not that I lack maturity. I think I've got the maturity part down pretty well - but I feel like I still look at the world through the eyes of an 18 year old. Aaaand then I remember that I'm actually 28, and I can HEAR my biological clock ticking, and I realize that I do know I'm not 18. Could I BE any more confused????
Sad but true - this all makes sense in my head.
So, after finding out that an old college friend from the days of Walker 230E and Halray Drive has gotten married from another friend who happened upon his myspace page, I've been searching through myspace. HELLO!?!?! SO many of my friends are on there, and I had no idea! I have happened upon 5 of my friends' myspace pages. FIVE! I did not know these people had pages! They never emailed me, or added me to their friends list. So - my question tonight is, is it an invasion of privacy to read your friend's myspace page if you weren't formerly invited to do so. I am feeling like the answer is "yes". (that having been said - I wouldn't care if one of my friends happened upon this blog without my invitation, and read it... But that's me.) So - I decided that unless someone tells me that they have one, I'll pretend like I don't know that they do.
Which I guess makes me a TOTAL loser, and a bit of a voyeur - but tell me something I didn't already know.
X and I saw Pirates this weekend. It was ok. It seemed, to me, like it was simply a stepping stone to get the audience to the 3rd movie. Unlike Harry Potter where each movie is its own entity - Pirates 2 was just the comma in between the fragments Pirates 1 and Pirates 3. I could be alone on that.
Well - that's about all from here. I'm not sleepy yet - so I am going to read a little. Those of you reading along, we're on page 68 of Treasure Island. Keep up the good work!!
Welcome to my Sunday night. Technically, it's Monday morning. But I haven't been to sleep yet - so it counts as Sunday still for me.
The weekend has flown by (as they are all begining to) and I am faced again with another week. Less than one month to go before I am back to work. *Sigh* I know I've complained and complained about being bored - but I think I'll complain even more about the 6am wake-up calls that will commence Aug 15th. Really, the next few days are the last of the lazy boring days. This week is Norman, the next week will be Vegas, the next week Marmee's party - then back to work. We are on the downhill slope. And I'm already looking forward to May. Of 2007. ;)
While home, I've been doing what any good couch potato would do... watching Oprah. Last week, she had her Debt Diet show on all week. I learned a lot about how to budget. I even decided to revamp my spending habits to try and speed up the paying off my student loan process. I think the quickest I can do it (without some unforseen windfall of cash coming my way) is going to be 9 years. Man! That's a LONG time. I'll be on 40's doorstep instead of 30's. It's crazy to think of myself as thirtysomething. I have a hard enough time comprehending that I am not a teenager still. Do you think that our mental age stops at about 18? Sometimes I really think mine did. Not that I lack maturity. I think I've got the maturity part down pretty well - but I feel like I still look at the world through the eyes of an 18 year old. Aaaand then I remember that I'm actually 28, and I can HEAR my biological clock ticking, and I realize that I do know I'm not 18. Could I BE any more confused????
Sad but true - this all makes sense in my head.
So, after finding out that an old college friend from the days of Walker 230E and Halray Drive has gotten married from another friend who happened upon his myspace page, I've been searching through myspace. HELLO!?!?! SO many of my friends are on there, and I had no idea! I have happened upon 5 of my friends' myspace pages. FIVE! I did not know these people had pages! They never emailed me, or added me to their friends list. So - my question tonight is, is it an invasion of privacy to read your friend's myspace page if you weren't formerly invited to do so. I am feeling like the answer is "yes". (that having been said - I wouldn't care if one of my friends happened upon this blog without my invitation, and read it... But that's me.) So - I decided that unless someone tells me that they have one, I'll pretend like I don't know that they do.
Which I guess makes me a TOTAL loser, and a bit of a voyeur - but tell me something I didn't already know.
X and I saw Pirates this weekend. It was ok. It seemed, to me, like it was simply a stepping stone to get the audience to the 3rd movie. Unlike Harry Potter where each movie is its own entity - Pirates 2 was just the comma in between the fragments Pirates 1 and Pirates 3. I could be alone on that.
Well - that's about all from here. I'm not sleepy yet - so I am going to read a little. Those of you reading along, we're on page 68 of Treasure Island. Keep up the good work!!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Wet & Wild
So, on Tuesday, I had just finished working out on the treadmill, and Alex was leaving to run errands. I took off my tennis shoes, and walked him to the door in my socks. All of a sudden, my feet were SOAKED! It turns out that our air conditioner compressor drips. (it's supposed to) Well, the problem was that the drain it is supposed to leak into was clogged. A LOT! The part of the carpet that was soaked was about 8' by 4', and it wasn't just soaked... when you stepped down on it, it SPLASHED! Neither of us having owned a home, or ever having dealt with a situation like this - we weren't sure what to do. We called our Moms, our landlord, and our friend Chuck. Between all of those resources, plus our own (well, Alex's) idea to buy a $30 wet vac - we successfully sucked out 12 gallons of water from our carpet. There will be a stanley steemer person here at 9am. It's taken care of. But it really made us think... Are we ready to own a home?
That aside - the rest of the week is going along well. Just hanging out, working out, and trying to eat healthier. We've been on track and eating well for 7 days. It's gotten difficult once or twice. (we'd both LOVE some bread, or, you know, a PIZZA) But we're sticking with it for the long haul.
Tonight - after checking all the websites I look at daily (because my life is empty) I was searching MySpace for others who graduated from my high school. I found it odd that there was a definite air of success to those people who lived out of state. Okay - not all of them. There was no air of success for the guy living in Arkansas, or the one in Georgia. But those in New York, California, Seattle, Florida... They all seemed so much more successful just for the simple fact that they lived outside of Oklahoma.
Is it just me - or do people hold those who move away from "home" in higher esteem?
That aside - the rest of the week is going along well. Just hanging out, working out, and trying to eat healthier. We've been on track and eating well for 7 days. It's gotten difficult once or twice. (we'd both LOVE some bread, or, you know, a PIZZA) But we're sticking with it for the long haul.
Tonight - after checking all the websites I look at daily (because my life is empty) I was searching MySpace for others who graduated from my high school. I found it odd that there was a definite air of success to those people who lived out of state. Okay - not all of them. There was no air of success for the guy living in Arkansas, or the one in Georgia. But those in New York, California, Seattle, Florida... They all seemed so much more successful just for the simple fact that they lived outside of Oklahoma.
Is it just me - or do people hold those who move away from "home" in higher esteem?
Monday, July 10, 2006
I'm only happy when it rains
mmmm. yummy! A stormy, rainy evening and night. I don't know that there is much better. :) As is true with my life, I prefer the chaos and rumble of a good storm to a clear, sunny day. Guess I'm twisted like that.
I finished reading Johnny Tremain last night. For those of you planning to read along at home, don't bother with this one. It wasn't a bad book perse. But it wasn't really a good one eithter. It was 250 pages I could have gone without reading. Except for the fact that I have to teach it this year. :)
Anyway, I think I'll be reading Treasure Island next. Then The Seer and the Sword. Good times.
So - here I am. All snuggly and cuddled up with a blankie. Listening to a good storm rumble through.
I finished reading Johnny Tremain last night. For those of you planning to read along at home, don't bother with this one. It wasn't a bad book perse. But it wasn't really a good one eithter. It was 250 pages I could have gone without reading. Except for the fact that I have to teach it this year. :)
Anyway, I think I'll be reading Treasure Island next. Then The Seer and the Sword. Good times.
So - here I am. All snuggly and cuddled up with a blankie. Listening to a good storm rumble through.
Feel like takin' a survey!
I saw these answered on one of my friends' pages... Thought it would be fun to answer them myself!
Enjoy!
* ABOUT YOU *
EYE COLOR: dark brown
HAIR COLOR: dark auburn-y brown
HEIGHT: 5'2"
FAVORITE COLOR: blue or pink
SCREEN NAME: ambercutie (on google talk)
FAVORITE BAND: Beatles (all time)
FAVORITE MOVIE: I have many... Breakfast at Tiffany's
FAVORITE SHOW: Stage: Phantom TV: Buffy
CAR: Saturn Ion
HOMETOWN: I guess Tulsa, OK
FIRST CRUSH'S NAME: Nathaniel Pierce :)
STYLE: I have one... Somewhere
* HAVE YOU EVER *
SAT ON YOUR ROOFTOP: Not this one. But I have sat on one.
KISSED SOMEONE IN THE RAIN: Oddly - I don't think so. But I SHOULD!
DANCED IN A PUBLIC PLACE: Yep.
SMILED FOR NO REASON: I love smiling! Smiling's my favorite!
LAUGHED SO HARD YOU CRIED: Frequently
PEED YOUR PANTS AFTER AGE 8: Oh, probably
WRITTEN A SONG: No. But several poems
SANG TO SOMEONE FOR NO REASON: More often than most
PERFORMED ON A STAGE: Yep, and fell off of one too.
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW: Seriously, who hasn't done this?
GONE OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BEFRIEND SOMEONE: Yeah. I'm nice like that.
MADE OUT IN A THEATRE: Um... yup
GONE ROLLER SKATING SINCE THE 8TH GRADE: Rollerblading - yes.
BEEN IN LOVE? yes
* WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO *
SAY "HI" TO YOU: Phill
TELL YOU "I LOVE YOU": Marmee
KISS YOU: Alex
HUG YOU: Alex again
TELL YOU "BYE": Phill
WRITE YOU A NOTE: Marmee
TAKE YOUR PHOTO: Alex
HEROES APART FROM YOUR PARENTS: Nick (my cousin)
* WHY NOT MORE *
basics you might not know about me
NICK NAME YOU PREFER: Ber
ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius/Pisces cusp
AGE INCLUDING MONTHS: 28 and 5 months
REAL HAIR COLOR: dark auburn-y brown
COLOR YOU DYE IT [IF YOU DO]: either darker, or more auburn-y
AGE YOU GOT YOUR FIRST PIERCING/TATTOO(S): ears - 12
MENTAL PROBLEMS/DISORDERS: none to speak of
SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND HOW LONG: Alex - 3 years
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Straight
favorites you might not know about me
SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER: Catwalk Oatmeal Honey
DEODORANT: Degree
PERFUME/COLOGNE: Cashmere by Karan or J'adore by Dior
PERFUME/COLOGNE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX: Don't know. I just like boy smell
FAVORITE SHIRT: My ratty old hole-y OU shirt
FAVORITE PAIR OF PANTS: My green sweat-capris
PAIR OF SHOES: flip flops
COLOR YOU LIKE TO WEAR: I look good in blue and pink
SOAP: I use Dove. Don't know that it's my fave
LOTION: Aveeno
PICTURE OF YOURSELF: One my Dad took when I was 14.
deeper than that
DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES OR FORGIVE EASILY: Forgive, but learn
HOW MANY REAL, CLOSE FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE THAT YOU CAN TRULY TRUST: A couple
ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOU ARE SINGLE: More than I'm not
DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOURSELF: I do.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ANXIETIES: who doesn't
WHAT MAKES YOU MOST UNHAPPY: uncertainty
WHAT MAKES YOU MOST MAD: grad school advisors
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT/NEED: pretty much
ARE YOU CONTENT: for the most part
HOW DO YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME: reading, watching movies
WHAT REALLY SCARES YOU: bugs
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOBIAS: bugs, snakes, ucky things
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE YOU HAVE: the eyes ALWAYS get 'em
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY: I like most of it
WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE: I try not to hate on people
DO YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD OR MISUNDERSTOOD: depends on who I'm talking to
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PDA: not within reason
other unknowns
TELL US SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU: I'm shy
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY ABOUT YOURSELF: I think it's all being covered!
**69 MORE!**
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE BALL DROPPED FOR 2006: At our old apartment
HOW DID YOU GET THE IDEA FOR YOUR BLOG NAME: From a Cowboy Mouth Song
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: Thunder!
HAS THE DEATH OF A CELEBRITY EVER MADE YOU CRY: I don't think so
WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING: green and white
DO YOU LIVE IN A ZOO: it feels like it sometimes
WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING: drank coffee, read paper
WHAT DOES YOUR MOM DO FOR A LIVING: she's a kick-ass CEO
WHERE DO YOU WORK: at a school
WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP: his ambition
WHAT ARE THE LAST 2 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER: ten
WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU ATTENDED: coldplay
WHO WAS WITH YOU: Alex
WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Superman Returns
WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE AT THE MOMENT: grad school
WHAT FOOD DO YOU CRAVE RIGHT NOW: cocoa krispies
DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT: yes I did
WHAT WAS THE LAST TV SHOW YOU WATCHED: 30 Minute Meals
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY: My Tiffany's necklace!
NAME ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO IS JUST LIKE YOU: Angie
WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE: Salad
WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Phill
WHO LAST IM-ED YOU: Crumpets!
ARE YOU ON ANY MEDICATION: Not prescription
WHAT SIDE OF THE BED DO YOU SLEEP ON: Right - as you look at it
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING: grey
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR RAZOR: pink
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FROZEN TREAT: gelatto
HOW MANY TATOOS/PIERCINGS DO YOU HAVE: just one in each ear
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE STORES: ones I can't afford
ARE YOU THIRSTY RIGHT NOW: nope
CAN YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF EVER GETTING MARRIED: YES
WHO'S SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE AND MISS: Crumpets, Laura, SCHU, all my old
Norman peeps! Angie, the boys...
WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT: Hung out.
DO YOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU: Sometimes
HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING TO INSTIGATE TROUBLE: Of course :)
DO YOU LIKE YOUR NOSE: Yep. It's WAY cute.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM: White
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT: about 2pm today
DO YOU LIKE PEDICURES: love them!
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: You guys know that already
ARE YOU AN AGGRESSIVE DRIVER: not normally
WHO IS YOUR CELL PHONE CARRIER: Sprint
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO YOU GOT THIS SURVEY FROM: LOVE HIM
DO YOU KNOW HIS/HER BIRTHDAY: I used to. :( I'm a horrible friend! :(
WHAT DO YOU MOST WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF: my insecurity
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR: Red
WHAT DO YOU SMELL LIKE RIGHT NOW: hand soap
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR: blue or pink
DO YOU LIKE MUSTARD: yes but not by itself
WHAT DO YOU TELL YOURSELF WHEN TIMES GET HARD: You can do this
WOULD YOU EVER SKY DIVE: I don't think so
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP ON: my tummy
WHAT CHARACTER FROM A MOVIE/TV SHOW REMINDS YOU OF YOURSELF: I'm the spastic, bastard love child of Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones.
HAVE YOU EVER BID ON SOMETHING ON EBAY: yep
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ANGELINA JOLIE & BRAD PITT HAVING A BABY: Good for them!
DO YOU ENJOY GIVING HUGS: to people I like - yes
WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE FASHIONABLE: not in an obvious way
DO YOU OWN A DIGITAL CAMERA: no - wanna buy me one?
WHAT CELEBRITIES HAVE YOU BEEN COMPARED TO: none that I'm aware of
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE STAR WARS CHARACTER: C3PO - he's so prissy!
DOES IT ANNOY YOU WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY'LL CALL AND NEVER DO: nah. I understand
WHAT BOOKS, IF ANY HAVE MADE YOU CRY: Several have!
WHAT THE FUCK: Why the fuck not?
ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON: Yes!
DO YOU EVER FEEL GUILTY EATING MEAT: No, but sometimes it grosses me out
IF YOU WERE BORN THE OPPOSITE SEX, WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME HAVE BEEN: Justin or Robert
WHO DID YOU LAST SPEAK TO ON THE TELEPHONE: Dirty Phill
WOULD YOU... YOU KNOW... 69: Depends on with who.
Enjoy!
* ABOUT YOU *
EYE COLOR: dark brown
HAIR COLOR: dark auburn-y brown
HEIGHT: 5'2"
FAVORITE COLOR: blue or pink
SCREEN NAME: ambercutie (on google talk)
FAVORITE BAND: Beatles (all time)
FAVORITE MOVIE: I have many... Breakfast at Tiffany's
FAVORITE SHOW: Stage: Phantom TV: Buffy
CAR: Saturn Ion
HOMETOWN: I guess Tulsa, OK
FIRST CRUSH'S NAME: Nathaniel Pierce :)
STYLE: I have one... Somewhere
* HAVE YOU EVER *
SAT ON YOUR ROOFTOP: Not this one. But I have sat on one.
KISSED SOMEONE IN THE RAIN: Oddly - I don't think so. But I SHOULD!
DANCED IN A PUBLIC PLACE: Yep.
SMILED FOR NO REASON: I love smiling! Smiling's my favorite!
LAUGHED SO HARD YOU CRIED: Frequently
PEED YOUR PANTS AFTER AGE 8: Oh, probably
WRITTEN A SONG: No. But several poems
SANG TO SOMEONE FOR NO REASON: More often than most
PERFORMED ON A STAGE: Yep, and fell off of one too.
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW: Seriously, who hasn't done this?
GONE OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BEFRIEND SOMEONE: Yeah. I'm nice like that.
MADE OUT IN A THEATRE: Um... yup
GONE ROLLER SKATING SINCE THE 8TH GRADE: Rollerblading - yes.
BEEN IN LOVE? yes
* WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO *
SAY "HI" TO YOU: Phill
TELL YOU "I LOVE YOU": Marmee
KISS YOU: Alex
HUG YOU: Alex again
TELL YOU "BYE": Phill
WRITE YOU A NOTE: Marmee
TAKE YOUR PHOTO: Alex
HEROES APART FROM YOUR PARENTS: Nick (my cousin)
* WHY NOT MORE *
basics you might not know about me
NICK NAME YOU PREFER: Ber
ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius/Pisces cusp
AGE INCLUDING MONTHS: 28 and 5 months
REAL HAIR COLOR: dark auburn-y brown
COLOR YOU DYE IT [IF YOU DO]: either darker, or more auburn-y
AGE YOU GOT YOUR FIRST PIERCING/TATTOO(S): ears - 12
MENTAL PROBLEMS/DISORDERS: none to speak of
SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND HOW LONG: Alex - 3 years
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Straight
favorites you might not know about me
SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER: Catwalk Oatmeal Honey
DEODORANT: Degree
PERFUME/COLOGNE: Cashmere by Karan or J'adore by Dior
PERFUME/COLOGNE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX: Don't know. I just like boy smell
FAVORITE SHIRT: My ratty old hole-y OU shirt
FAVORITE PAIR OF PANTS: My green sweat-capris
PAIR OF SHOES: flip flops
COLOR YOU LIKE TO WEAR: I look good in blue and pink
SOAP: I use Dove. Don't know that it's my fave
LOTION: Aveeno
PICTURE OF YOURSELF: One my Dad took when I was 14.
deeper than that
DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES OR FORGIVE EASILY: Forgive, but learn
HOW MANY REAL, CLOSE FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE THAT YOU CAN TRULY TRUST: A couple
ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOU ARE SINGLE: More than I'm not
DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOURSELF: I do.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ANXIETIES: who doesn't
WHAT MAKES YOU MOST UNHAPPY: uncertainty
WHAT MAKES YOU MOST MAD: grad school advisors
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT/NEED: pretty much
ARE YOU CONTENT: for the most part
HOW DO YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME: reading, watching movies
WHAT REALLY SCARES YOU: bugs
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOBIAS: bugs, snakes, ucky things
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE YOU HAVE: the eyes ALWAYS get 'em
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY: I like most of it
WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE: I try not to hate on people
DO YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD OR MISUNDERSTOOD: depends on who I'm talking to
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PDA: not within reason
other unknowns
TELL US SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU: I'm shy
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY ABOUT YOURSELF: I think it's all being covered!
**69 MORE!**
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE BALL DROPPED FOR 2006: At our old apartment
HOW DID YOU GET THE IDEA FOR YOUR BLOG NAME: From a Cowboy Mouth Song
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: Thunder!
HAS THE DEATH OF A CELEBRITY EVER MADE YOU CRY: I don't think so
WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING: green and white
DO YOU LIVE IN A ZOO: it feels like it sometimes
WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING: drank coffee, read paper
WHAT DOES YOUR MOM DO FOR A LIVING: she's a kick-ass CEO
WHERE DO YOU WORK: at a school
WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP: his ambition
WHAT ARE THE LAST 2 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER: ten
WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU ATTENDED: coldplay
WHO WAS WITH YOU: Alex
WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Superman Returns
WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE AT THE MOMENT: grad school
WHAT FOOD DO YOU CRAVE RIGHT NOW: cocoa krispies
DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT: yes I did
WHAT WAS THE LAST TV SHOW YOU WATCHED: 30 Minute Meals
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY: My Tiffany's necklace!
NAME ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO IS JUST LIKE YOU: Angie
WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE: Salad
WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Phill
WHO LAST IM-ED YOU: Crumpets!
ARE YOU ON ANY MEDICATION: Not prescription
WHAT SIDE OF THE BED DO YOU SLEEP ON: Right - as you look at it
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING: grey
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR RAZOR: pink
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FROZEN TREAT: gelatto
HOW MANY TATOOS/PIERCINGS DO YOU HAVE: just one in each ear
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE STORES: ones I can't afford
ARE YOU THIRSTY RIGHT NOW: nope
CAN YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF EVER GETTING MARRIED: YES
WHO'S SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE AND MISS: Crumpets, Laura, SCHU, all my old
Norman peeps! Angie, the boys...
WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT: Hung out.
DO YOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU: Sometimes
HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING TO INSTIGATE TROUBLE: Of course :)
DO YOU LIKE YOUR NOSE: Yep. It's WAY cute.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM: White
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT: about 2pm today
DO YOU LIKE PEDICURES: love them!
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: You guys know that already
ARE YOU AN AGGRESSIVE DRIVER: not normally
WHO IS YOUR CELL PHONE CARRIER: Sprint
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO YOU GOT THIS SURVEY FROM: LOVE HIM
DO YOU KNOW HIS/HER BIRTHDAY: I used to. :( I'm a horrible friend! :(
WHAT DO YOU MOST WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF: my insecurity
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR: Red
WHAT DO YOU SMELL LIKE RIGHT NOW: hand soap
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR: blue or pink
DO YOU LIKE MUSTARD: yes but not by itself
WHAT DO YOU TELL YOURSELF WHEN TIMES GET HARD: You can do this
WOULD YOU EVER SKY DIVE: I don't think so
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP ON: my tummy
WHAT CHARACTER FROM A MOVIE/TV SHOW REMINDS YOU OF YOURSELF: I'm the spastic, bastard love child of Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones.
HAVE YOU EVER BID ON SOMETHING ON EBAY: yep
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ANGELINA JOLIE & BRAD PITT HAVING A BABY: Good for them!
DO YOU ENJOY GIVING HUGS: to people I like - yes
WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE FASHIONABLE: not in an obvious way
DO YOU OWN A DIGITAL CAMERA: no - wanna buy me one?
WHAT CELEBRITIES HAVE YOU BEEN COMPARED TO: none that I'm aware of
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE STAR WARS CHARACTER: C3PO - he's so prissy!
DOES IT ANNOY YOU WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY'LL CALL AND NEVER DO: nah. I understand
WHAT BOOKS, IF ANY HAVE MADE YOU CRY: Several have!
WHAT THE FUCK: Why the fuck not?
ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON: Yes!
DO YOU EVER FEEL GUILTY EATING MEAT: No, but sometimes it grosses me out
IF YOU WERE BORN THE OPPOSITE SEX, WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME HAVE BEEN: Justin or Robert
WHO DID YOU LAST SPEAK TO ON THE TELEPHONE: Dirty Phill
WOULD YOU... YOU KNOW... 69: Depends on with who.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Refurbishing a jewel
Energy up uP UP!!! Today I am really feeling my Wheaties. Eventhough I didn't have any. I had a 2-egg omlette, thank you - and it was yum-o.
After my super delicious breakfast - I was ready to take on the world! But, instead I took on my treadmill. I did just over a mile - and despite the fact that I was covered in sweat, I looked outside and saw 2 dirty, gross, badly in need of attention cars. So I donned my bathing suit and a pair of jean shorts - and outside I went. I cleaned the interior and exterior of both of our cars. And not just cleaned. Detailed. It took me just over 2 hours to get it all done. I can feel that my shoulders and arms might be angry with me over the matter tomorrow - but today, I don't care.
It was nice, and a little strange to have so much energy. And it's still going. I'm already turning my mind to "what to cook for dinner". Even though we had chicken yesterday - it might be chicken again... Ooh! Or Taco salads... *be right back*
Humpf! Not enough lettuce for taco salads. Maybe I can convince Alex to go and buy some more....
Anywho - I'm thrilled, energized, and handling the boredom better. ;)
Those of you in the Moore/Norman area - I'm heading that way soon... About 2 weeks from now. Clear your calendars!
After my super delicious breakfast - I was ready to take on the world! But, instead I took on my treadmill. I did just over a mile - and despite the fact that I was covered in sweat, I looked outside and saw 2 dirty, gross, badly in need of attention cars. So I donned my bathing suit and a pair of jean shorts - and outside I went. I cleaned the interior and exterior of both of our cars. And not just cleaned. Detailed. It took me just over 2 hours to get it all done. I can feel that my shoulders and arms might be angry with me over the matter tomorrow - but today, I don't care.
It was nice, and a little strange to have so much energy. And it's still going. I'm already turning my mind to "what to cook for dinner". Even though we had chicken yesterday - it might be chicken again... Ooh! Or Taco salads... *be right back*
Humpf! Not enough lettuce for taco salads. Maybe I can convince Alex to go and buy some more....
Anywho - I'm thrilled, energized, and handling the boredom better. ;)
Those of you in the Moore/Norman area - I'm heading that way soon... About 2 weeks from now. Clear your calendars!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
90 Days RISK-FREE! No catch. No Commitment.
Today - I bent over and took it from NSU. To the tune of $500. I'm so bitter about it - I don't even want to get into it.
Otherwise, things are going along nicely. I'm reading one of the books I'll be teaching in the fall - and I'm starting to map out the year's lesson plans. I wonder if a whole year of teaching will zip by as quickly as the half year did. Somehow - I'm guessing it will. Some of the other teachers said that it seemed like they blinked - and had been teaching 10 years.
I'm really starting to get into the details of planning Marmee's 50th birthday bash! I've got the menu pretty well planned, and now - I'm just waiting for people to RSVP so I can get a final headcount. We invited close to 50 people. And that doesn't count any "plus ones" that they decide to bring. I can't wait! It should be a really great party!
Personal life? Eh. Things are alright. I really can't complain. That having been said - I am still feeling pretty self conscious. I'm wondering if I'll ever be the sassy, self-confident, brazen girl I used to be? I kinda hope I will. Looking back, it was pretty fun. (although after reading my previous post about this topic, I came out sounding like a bitch. I wasn't some man-eating psycho chick. I just knew what I wanted, and was totally unwilling to compromise)
Guess I don't have a long post in me today... I'm going to go read for a while.
I hope all is well with you out there!
Otherwise, things are going along nicely. I'm reading one of the books I'll be teaching in the fall - and I'm starting to map out the year's lesson plans. I wonder if a whole year of teaching will zip by as quickly as the half year did. Somehow - I'm guessing it will. Some of the other teachers said that it seemed like they blinked - and had been teaching 10 years.
I'm really starting to get into the details of planning Marmee's 50th birthday bash! I've got the menu pretty well planned, and now - I'm just waiting for people to RSVP so I can get a final headcount. We invited close to 50 people. And that doesn't count any "plus ones" that they decide to bring. I can't wait! It should be a really great party!
Personal life? Eh. Things are alright. I really can't complain. That having been said - I am still feeling pretty self conscious. I'm wondering if I'll ever be the sassy, self-confident, brazen girl I used to be? I kinda hope I will. Looking back, it was pretty fun. (although after reading my previous post about this topic, I came out sounding like a bitch. I wasn't some man-eating psycho chick. I just knew what I wanted, and was totally unwilling to compromise)
Guess I don't have a long post in me today... I'm going to go read for a while.
I hope all is well with you out there!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
L IF E
What haunts you when you are feeling self-conscious?
What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
That's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
That's right
How can you know when you don't even try
That's right
You know that darkness always turns into light.
What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
That's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
That's right
How can you know when you don't even try
That's right
You know that darkness always turns into light.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
02 ytnewT/Twenty 20
I'm writing to you from my bed this evening. It's FREEZING in our house tonight. I can't really tell you why - but I am under the covers typing - and making all kinds of typos cause I'm damn near shivering.
Things are going well. I had a long conversation with Angie tonight about my relationship. Suffice it to say - she thinks I need to give Alex a chance to miss me some. I am thinking she might not be wrong. Unfortunately - I am committed to being here until he goes to San Diego - at which point I was already planning to visit Norman. So - it'll be a couple of weeks - and then he won't be missing me because I'm gone, because he'll be gone too. You know - I'll be back at work before anyone knows it - and he can miss me then. For nine months. Because when I'm working - I'm a crazy, out of control, no time for myself lunatic.
I made a romantic pajama picnic for us this evening. Originally - I was planning to have us eat on the floor. But I served rice, and it's too hard to balance a plate on your lap while trying to eat dozens of tiny little grains of rice - so I opted for the table. I put down a red and white checkered table cloth - lit several candles. I served parmesan crusted chicken, rice pilaf, salad, green beans, baguette, and boursin cheese. I also had Rosa Regale champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries for dessert! (That's right, boys... I'm the total package)
Mentioning the total package reminds me of something that Angie said tonight on the phone. She said that I have lost a big part of who I was. That I used to be a confident, sassy lil' thing who knew what she wanted, and exactly how to get it. Who would not settle for bullshit - and who wasn't willing to compromise her principles just to be with a man. She said that I am compromising too much. That I have lost the part of me who won't rest until she has what she wants. I never see this side of me. I've never once noticed it while it is happening. But thinking back on my life - I can recognize the girl she is talking about as myself. I was something else. If I saw a guy I wanted... he didn't stand a chance. He was mine. Then, of course, I would get to know him, and decide that he didn't have a clue - and I'd dump him. That's just how it always was. Now - I'm with Alex. And he has a clue, he does. But why have I become this woman who is so willing to wait and wait for a man. Three years and counting?!? Former Amber would not have waited this long. Former Amber would have said "Look here - I'm going this direction, and if you're going that way too - then we can go together, but if you're not, then this is where we say goodbye." And I guess I did sort of do that when I moved to Chicago. I was going my own way. I wasn't going to stick around for a man who never wanted to get married or have kids. But his song changed. And now he's open to the ideas of marriage and kids. And I find myself here in his waiting room. Patiently flipping through Highlights magazine, and not terribly conscious of the fact that my former self would NEVER have done something like this. So what does this mean? Have I grown? Am I a better person now? Am I just weak? Does it mean that Alex is indeed the right one for me because he was the one who could finally tame my wild nature? Or am I over-domesticated, and headed for a big fall after realizing that I have been stifled? That's what happened to my Mom. She became a person she wasn't for the sake of marriage and kids. (Well, kid. She did it for me) But I don't want to wake up one day twenty years from now and regret losing my identity entirely in a relationship. I still want to be sassy and confident. I still want to amaze myself and others with my will to see something I want, and make it my own.
I know that in relationships - you are supposed to blend together as one while still maintaining your individuality. And I know that is a delicate balance. What I do not know is how much of myself is acceptable to lose - and how much is acceptable to keep? I look at some of my friends' relationships and I wonder, "Have they given up too much? How much is too much?" Does there always have to be one who primarily takes and one who primarily gives in any relationship? If that's the case - then I'm the giver. But it gets so exhausting. Angie said that Alex should be making me romantic candle lit dinners. That everyday I come home, he should feel so lucky that I am coming home to him - and that he should treat me like a million bucks - because I am a million bucks. To that I say - maybe. But I sure am sitting on a really comfy Stearns and Foster bed right now. And I sure do live in a house that I couldn't afford on my own. I have all of these material things around me. Anything I even look cross-eyed at, he gets me. And I think that maybe that is his way of treating me like a million bucks. I don't think that all people can express themselves exactly the way their partners would hope. For instance - my candlelit dinner - though Alex really appreciated it - might not be his idea of an ideal romantic evening. It's mine - and so that is what I have to give him. Perhaps we can only give what we know.
Things are going well. I had a long conversation with Angie tonight about my relationship. Suffice it to say - she thinks I need to give Alex a chance to miss me some. I am thinking she might not be wrong. Unfortunately - I am committed to being here until he goes to San Diego - at which point I was already planning to visit Norman. So - it'll be a couple of weeks - and then he won't be missing me because I'm gone, because he'll be gone too. You know - I'll be back at work before anyone knows it - and he can miss me then. For nine months. Because when I'm working - I'm a crazy, out of control, no time for myself lunatic.
I made a romantic pajama picnic for us this evening. Originally - I was planning to have us eat on the floor. But I served rice, and it's too hard to balance a plate on your lap while trying to eat dozens of tiny little grains of rice - so I opted for the table. I put down a red and white checkered table cloth - lit several candles. I served parmesan crusted chicken, rice pilaf, salad, green beans, baguette, and boursin cheese. I also had Rosa Regale champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries for dessert! (That's right, boys... I'm the total package)
Mentioning the total package reminds me of something that Angie said tonight on the phone. She said that I have lost a big part of who I was. That I used to be a confident, sassy lil' thing who knew what she wanted, and exactly how to get it. Who would not settle for bullshit - and who wasn't willing to compromise her principles just to be with a man. She said that I am compromising too much. That I have lost the part of me who won't rest until she has what she wants. I never see this side of me. I've never once noticed it while it is happening. But thinking back on my life - I can recognize the girl she is talking about as myself. I was something else. If I saw a guy I wanted... he didn't stand a chance. He was mine. Then, of course, I would get to know him, and decide that he didn't have a clue - and I'd dump him. That's just how it always was. Now - I'm with Alex. And he has a clue, he does. But why have I become this woman who is so willing to wait and wait for a man. Three years and counting?!? Former Amber would not have waited this long. Former Amber would have said "Look here - I'm going this direction, and if you're going that way too - then we can go together, but if you're not, then this is where we say goodbye." And I guess I did sort of do that when I moved to Chicago. I was going my own way. I wasn't going to stick around for a man who never wanted to get married or have kids. But his song changed. And now he's open to the ideas of marriage and kids. And I find myself here in his waiting room. Patiently flipping through Highlights magazine, and not terribly conscious of the fact that my former self would NEVER have done something like this. So what does this mean? Have I grown? Am I a better person now? Am I just weak? Does it mean that Alex is indeed the right one for me because he was the one who could finally tame my wild nature? Or am I over-domesticated, and headed for a big fall after realizing that I have been stifled? That's what happened to my Mom. She became a person she wasn't for the sake of marriage and kids. (Well, kid. She did it for me) But I don't want to wake up one day twenty years from now and regret losing my identity entirely in a relationship. I still want to be sassy and confident. I still want to amaze myself and others with my will to see something I want, and make it my own.
I know that in relationships - you are supposed to blend together as one while still maintaining your individuality. And I know that is a delicate balance. What I do not know is how much of myself is acceptable to lose - and how much is acceptable to keep? I look at some of my friends' relationships and I wonder, "Have they given up too much? How much is too much?" Does there always have to be one who primarily takes and one who primarily gives in any relationship? If that's the case - then I'm the giver. But it gets so exhausting. Angie said that Alex should be making me romantic candle lit dinners. That everyday I come home, he should feel so lucky that I am coming home to him - and that he should treat me like a million bucks - because I am a million bucks. To that I say - maybe. But I sure am sitting on a really comfy Stearns and Foster bed right now. And I sure do live in a house that I couldn't afford on my own. I have all of these material things around me. Anything I even look cross-eyed at, he gets me. And I think that maybe that is his way of treating me like a million bucks. I don't think that all people can express themselves exactly the way their partners would hope. For instance - my candlelit dinner - though Alex really appreciated it - might not be his idea of an ideal romantic evening. It's mine - and so that is what I have to give him. Perhaps we can only give what we know.
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