I'm closing in on a decision. I think that the conclusion is clear - getting a PhD does not jive with my life goals. I don't think it ever did - I just didn't understand what it entailed until I could experience it for myself.
I do not think that I will regret this decision one bit. This is not my only opportunity to do this - so if in the future, I'm a different version of me - and that future me wants or needs a PhD - she can get it. And she can do so with the confidence that she is more than capable. That it isn't anything that's too difficult or beyond her reach. But present me, the me that I am today - and for the foreseeable future - doesn't need or want a PhD. What I want is a flexible job that can work around my family. I want to be home in the evenings to have dinner with my husband and kids. I want to be around on the weekends to play games and take trips. I do not want to be chained to a job. I do not want to make that kind of sacrifice.
And so, tomorrow I will meet with my advisor. I will tell him the truth - and I will listen to any advice he offers. I am reserving my decision until Friday - at which point I will decide, and go with that decision without a look backward.
resolute,
g
Monday, June 01, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Your daddy's rich And your ma is good lookin' So hush little baby Don't you cry
We find out on Thursday how far along the pregnancy is. I am suspecting that it will turn out that I am roughly 12-13 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I felt all depressed and exhausted. I could barely muster a smile, let alone get motivated to do anything useful.
Today - MUCH better. Night and day, really. I woke up feeling great - got a lot accomplished, and still feel alert even though it's almost 9pm. :)
Struggles thus far with the pregnant-ness have been getting up to pee at least 3 times per night, drinking enough water (trying for at least 64oz per day), keeping ahead of the hunger so I don't get nauseated, and actually believing that there's a baby in there. Because right now, all I have are the positive pee stick, and the positive blood test results on the fridge to prove that there is actually a baby inside of me. It's all a little too fantastic to believe.
As for non-baby news... I am leaning more and more towards leaving the PhD program. I will make my decision by this Friday - but before then, I have a couple of meetings set up - one of which is with my advisor... So we shall see if any of those meetings sway my decision. At this point, I would say that is doubtful.
So - I have to decide how I will fill my days. I want to take some sewing, knitting, quilting, baby yoga, classes... Also, Marmee made the suggestion that I maybe try working at Sylvan or Kumon - someplace like that. Since, they surely hire short term, I think it might be a great idea.
Any suggestions from you?
g out
Today - MUCH better. Night and day, really. I woke up feeling great - got a lot accomplished, and still feel alert even though it's almost 9pm. :)
Struggles thus far with the pregnant-ness have been getting up to pee at least 3 times per night, drinking enough water (trying for at least 64oz per day), keeping ahead of the hunger so I don't get nauseated, and actually believing that there's a baby in there. Because right now, all I have are the positive pee stick, and the positive blood test results on the fridge to prove that there is actually a baby inside of me. It's all a little too fantastic to believe.
As for non-baby news... I am leaning more and more towards leaving the PhD program. I will make my decision by this Friday - but before then, I have a couple of meetings set up - one of which is with my advisor... So we shall see if any of those meetings sway my decision. At this point, I would say that is doubtful.
So - I have to decide how I will fill my days. I want to take some sewing, knitting, quilting, baby yoga, classes... Also, Marmee made the suggestion that I maybe try working at Sylvan or Kumon - someplace like that. Since, they surely hire short term, I think it might be a great idea.
Any suggestions from you?
g out
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
This indecesion's buggin me If you don't want me set me free Exactly whom I'm supposed to be I don't know which clothes even fit me
Back to indecision.
Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.
I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.
I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?
To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?
These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.
The reasons to stop now
To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.
I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.
Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.
I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.
So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?
-g
Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.
I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.
I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?
To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?
These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.
The reasons to stop now
To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.
I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.
Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.
I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.
So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?
-g
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The night is over This masquerade is getting older Lights are low the curtains down There's no one here
Past lives and old boyfriends.
No doubt prompted by an episode of Ugly Betty I watched last night, I had the most detailed and obvious dream last night.
I dreamed about my ex, Glenn. He was an actor living in Paris. (both acting & French being former life paths for me) And he was ridiculously passionate about acting. (which is fitting because Glenn, an architect major, was - and probably still is - ridiculously passionate about architecture) I was in Paris on a trip for school, but my Mom and Rick were there, and Alex was there too. The three of them were waiting for me at a restaurant on the roof top, and I was doing my best to make my way there, but kept running into people, some I was glad to see, others - not so much. Steve (my 1st love) was one of those I saw... I kept trying to catch up with him because I wanted to tell him I am married and pregnant, and really happy. But I could never quite catch up. The people I kept seeing that I didn't particularly want to see just looked at me and walked by without a word, but as they passed, they would snicker and talk about me behind my back.
Then, I was in the lobby waiting to catch the elevator up to the rooftop, and my beloved cousin Nick came up. (in real life - I am NUTS about this kid. I travel to California once, sometimes twice, a year to see him in his college plays) He gave me a HUGE hug, and said how great it was to see me there. Then he and Glenn (Glenn, by the way, was sporting a HUGE and AWESOME afro) went off together to get ready for that night's show.
I finally got on the elevator to go join my party, and that's when I woke up - feeling strangely at peace, and almost as if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to those past lives, and those ex boyfriends.
Not that any of them are usually on my mind. It is the rare occasion that I think about what might have been with either the lives, or the guys. But this morning, when I awoke, it seemed to me that I may never have to think about what might have been ever again. Because I am happy with what is.
Very, very happy.
g
No doubt prompted by an episode of Ugly Betty I watched last night, I had the most detailed and obvious dream last night.
I dreamed about my ex, Glenn. He was an actor living in Paris. (both acting & French being former life paths for me) And he was ridiculously passionate about acting. (which is fitting because Glenn, an architect major, was - and probably still is - ridiculously passionate about architecture) I was in Paris on a trip for school, but my Mom and Rick were there, and Alex was there too. The three of them were waiting for me at a restaurant on the roof top, and I was doing my best to make my way there, but kept running into people, some I was glad to see, others - not so much. Steve (my 1st love) was one of those I saw... I kept trying to catch up with him because I wanted to tell him I am married and pregnant, and really happy. But I could never quite catch up. The people I kept seeing that I didn't particularly want to see just looked at me and walked by without a word, but as they passed, they would snicker and talk about me behind my back.
Then, I was in the lobby waiting to catch the elevator up to the rooftop, and my beloved cousin Nick came up. (in real life - I am NUTS about this kid. I travel to California once, sometimes twice, a year to see him in his college plays) He gave me a HUGE hug, and said how great it was to see me there. Then he and Glenn (Glenn, by the way, was sporting a HUGE and AWESOME afro) went off together to get ready for that night's show.
I finally got on the elevator to go join my party, and that's when I woke up - feeling strangely at peace, and almost as if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to those past lives, and those ex boyfriends.
Not that any of them are usually on my mind. It is the rare occasion that I think about what might have been with either the lives, or the guys. But this morning, when I awoke, it seemed to me that I may never have to think about what might have been ever again. Because I am happy with what is.
Very, very happy.
g
Monday, May 11, 2009
Well I've never been to Spain, but I've been to Oklahoma...
The time has come to update the blog. It's been almost a month - but I know you'll forgive me since you're aware that I was trudging through finals hell from this semester that has left me bruised but not quite broken.
It has been a rough couple of weeks. I had 3 10-page papers, a 1 hour presentation, a poster session, AND a 20 page paper to complete all by May 5th. NOT TO MENTION, having things in order for my students' last classes, AND packing to leave on vacation on May 7th. (The last thing I am NOT complaining about IN THE LEAST... but it was yet one more thing to do.)
SO...
I am pretty sure I've gotten through the last semester relatively unscathed. I definitely took on too much, and I am hoping that I have at long last learned my lesson from doing that over and over again. Yet - realistically, I'm thinking I have to make this mistake a few hundred more times before it REALLY sinks in.
I did wind up having to take an "I" in one of my classes, because the paper I turned in was TRULY sub-par. I have the option of accepting the grade I earned (which would bring me to a low B or a C in the class) or rewrite the paper, and try for a higher grade, which I am doing, because I need to reserve the right to earn a B or a C in my statistics class more so than my Educational Sociology class.
I think I got A's in my other 2 classes. I haven't heard for sure yet. Hmm... I should go check... Maybe my profs have posted grades.
...
Nope. No grades posted yet.
On to other news - because school isn't quite my ENTIRE life... Alex and I got the opportunity to take a vacation to North Carolina. It was all so perfect - the plane tickets were super cheap, and my aunt who lives out here has a friend with a beach house and a generous heart - so we were able to spend a weekend at a beach house on Topsail Beach, NC free of charge!! It was a beautiful beach, lots of soft sand, VERY few rocks, BEAUTIFUL ocean! The only thing I didn't like was the fact that the beach house was 3 stories, and the kitchen/living room/our bedroom areas were on the 3rd floor. So there was LOTS of stair-climbing. Otherwise, it was FANtastic! In typical amber form, I decided I didn't need to put on any sunscreen the first day, and I got a sunburn. But it wasn't so bad until I went out the second day (wearing 55SPF, mind you) and compounded said burn. I burned on my chest, back, shoulders, and arms. Naturally, despite all the burning, my legs are barely tan. What up with that??
We are staying on at my aunt's house in Winston-Salem for a couple more days before heading back. There isn't anything planned - but I'm glad we didn't decide to just head back today home. I cannot imagine how cranky I would have been had I been required to travel today. I'm already bordering on cranky about traveling home on Thursday - and that's 3 days away!!
I love to be new places, visit family, and relax - but I HATE the getting there part: flying, driving, etc... It just plain SUCKS!
My plans when I get home? CLEAN MY HOUSE! There are hairballs (mine) in my bathroom that are so big and have been there so long that I've decided they're the closest thing I'll ever have to pets - and I've named them. It'll be sad to get rid of them, but I am afraid that the department of public health is going to come out to our home, yell "HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!?!" and condemn the place.
So that's top on my list.
I would also like to sleep late in my own bed. Since we've been in North Carolina, I haven't slept past 8am EASTERN TIME!! No one woke me up - I've been the first person up every day. I don't know why I can't seem to sleep late here - but I just can't do it. And I'm exhausted!
For right now - I am going to take my new Jen Lancaster book and lay on the couch and read. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping to accidentally drift off for a bit of an afternoon nap.
g
It has been a rough couple of weeks. I had 3 10-page papers, a 1 hour presentation, a poster session, AND a 20 page paper to complete all by May 5th. NOT TO MENTION, having things in order for my students' last classes, AND packing to leave on vacation on May 7th. (The last thing I am NOT complaining about IN THE LEAST... but it was yet one more thing to do.)
SO...
I am pretty sure I've gotten through the last semester relatively unscathed. I definitely took on too much, and I am hoping that I have at long last learned my lesson from doing that over and over again. Yet - realistically, I'm thinking I have to make this mistake a few hundred more times before it REALLY sinks in.
I did wind up having to take an "I" in one of my classes, because the paper I turned in was TRULY sub-par. I have the option of accepting the grade I earned (which would bring me to a low B or a C in the class) or rewrite the paper, and try for a higher grade, which I am doing, because I need to reserve the right to earn a B or a C in my statistics class more so than my Educational Sociology class.
I think I got A's in my other 2 classes. I haven't heard for sure yet. Hmm... I should go check... Maybe my profs have posted grades.
...
Nope. No grades posted yet.
On to other news - because school isn't quite my ENTIRE life... Alex and I got the opportunity to take a vacation to North Carolina. It was all so perfect - the plane tickets were super cheap, and my aunt who lives out here has a friend with a beach house and a generous heart - so we were able to spend a weekend at a beach house on Topsail Beach, NC free of charge!! It was a beautiful beach, lots of soft sand, VERY few rocks, BEAUTIFUL ocean! The only thing I didn't like was the fact that the beach house was 3 stories, and the kitchen/living room/our bedroom areas were on the 3rd floor. So there was LOTS of stair-climbing. Otherwise, it was FANtastic! In typical amber form, I decided I didn't need to put on any sunscreen the first day, and I got a sunburn. But it wasn't so bad until I went out the second day (wearing 55SPF, mind you) and compounded said burn. I burned on my chest, back, shoulders, and arms. Naturally, despite all the burning, my legs are barely tan. What up with that??
We are staying on at my aunt's house in Winston-Salem for a couple more days before heading back. There isn't anything planned - but I'm glad we didn't decide to just head back today home. I cannot imagine how cranky I would have been had I been required to travel today. I'm already bordering on cranky about traveling home on Thursday - and that's 3 days away!!
I love to be new places, visit family, and relax - but I HATE the getting there part: flying, driving, etc... It just plain SUCKS!
My plans when I get home? CLEAN MY HOUSE! There are hairballs (mine) in my bathroom that are so big and have been there so long that I've decided they're the closest thing I'll ever have to pets - and I've named them. It'll be sad to get rid of them, but I am afraid that the department of public health is going to come out to our home, yell "HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!?!" and condemn the place.
So that's top on my list.
I would also like to sleep late in my own bed. Since we've been in North Carolina, I haven't slept past 8am EASTERN TIME!! No one woke me up - I've been the first person up every day. I don't know why I can't seem to sleep late here - but I just can't do it. And I'm exhausted!
For right now - I am going to take my new Jen Lancaster book and lay on the couch and read. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping to accidentally drift off for a bit of an afternoon nap.
g
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Everyday, it's a gettin' closer, Goin' faster than a roller coaster, Love like yours will surely come my way, (hey, a-hey, hey)
Self-acceptance.
Not a flashy or funny topic about which to blog - and to be honest, if I were looking for a blog to read, I would not choose this one. Kakes & I discussed this topic earlier this afternoon. I prefer to stick to blogs that crack me up. I have enough of my own issues and drama... I don't need to get all wrapped up in the drama of a total stranger. (But, if that stranger is funny, sarcastic, and ever-so-slightly self-deprecating in that drama... I'm hooked!)
I am learning a ton on my quest for self-acceptance. Mostly that I don't accept myself. Aaand - hilarity ensues.
Today wasn't spectacular for my quest. Alex and I went to our new gym for our fitness assessment (read: "I'm sorry, you weigh HOW MUCH? But you're only 5'2"... And you've lost 70 pounds already?!?" At which point, the person walks away wondering if I really was wider than I was tall). Not humiliating at all. (read: I wanted to crawl into a hole - a ding dong-lined one, naturally - and die). Alex and I shared a trainer today, and we were weighed and measured in front of one another. (note - I've avoided Alex knowing my weight, clothing size, and measurements for the entirety of the 6 years we've been together. UNTIL TODAY. He thinks he'll erase the numbers from his mind soon... I freaking hope so!)
But at least we went. And we worked out a little bit. We are scheduled to go back on Friday when they will have a personalized fitness plan for each of us - and teach us how to execute it. Am hopeful that experience will be at least a little bit less humiliating, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Tomorrow - I have a meeting with my boss and our research team. I get to tell her that I didn't actually do any work this week, and that it's not looking good for me to get any done during the next two weeks either. I just have other priorities - like getting my assignments done for HER class.
We've gotten down to crunch time. I'm working a ton - planning on spending lots of quality time in the library this weekend.
I'm all over the place tonight.
I'm excited that Alex and I are going to North Carolina in a couple of weeks. We're getting to stay at a beach house that belongs to my Aunt's friend for FREE. And plane tickets were super cheap. So - we're getting a week-long vacation for next to nothing.
I'm really looking forward to having that break. No research, no papers, no teaching, no library!! Just re-lax-ation!
Not a flashy or funny topic about which to blog - and to be honest, if I were looking for a blog to read, I would not choose this one. Kakes & I discussed this topic earlier this afternoon. I prefer to stick to blogs that crack me up. I have enough of my own issues and drama... I don't need to get all wrapped up in the drama of a total stranger. (But, if that stranger is funny, sarcastic, and ever-so-slightly self-deprecating in that drama... I'm hooked!)
I am learning a ton on my quest for self-acceptance. Mostly that I don't accept myself. Aaand - hilarity ensues.
Today wasn't spectacular for my quest. Alex and I went to our new gym for our fitness assessment (read: "I'm sorry, you weigh HOW MUCH? But you're only 5'2"... And you've lost 70 pounds already?!?" At which point, the person walks away wondering if I really was wider than I was tall). Not humiliating at all. (read: I wanted to crawl into a hole - a ding dong-lined one, naturally - and die). Alex and I shared a trainer today, and we were weighed and measured in front of one another. (note - I've avoided Alex knowing my weight, clothing size, and measurements for the entirety of the 6 years we've been together. UNTIL TODAY. He thinks he'll erase the numbers from his mind soon... I freaking hope so!)
But at least we went. And we worked out a little bit. We are scheduled to go back on Friday when they will have a personalized fitness plan for each of us - and teach us how to execute it. Am hopeful that experience will be at least a little bit less humiliating, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Tomorrow - I have a meeting with my boss and our research team. I get to tell her that I didn't actually do any work this week, and that it's not looking good for me to get any done during the next two weeks either. I just have other priorities - like getting my assignments done for HER class.
We've gotten down to crunch time. I'm working a ton - planning on spending lots of quality time in the library this weekend.
I'm all over the place tonight.
I'm excited that Alex and I are going to North Carolina in a couple of weeks. We're getting to stay at a beach house that belongs to my Aunt's friend for FREE. And plane tickets were super cheap. So - we're getting a week-long vacation for next to nothing.
I'm really looking forward to having that break. No research, no papers, no teaching, no library!! Just re-lax-ation!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
just barstools, and boyfriends, and whiskey at nighttime, and bedtime, bedtime
Taking a bit of a break from the grindstone. I have papers to grade, papers to write - and an unforgivably filthy house - NOT TO MENTION a pile of laundry so large, I'm gonna need an oxygen tank and a sherpa to find the top.
But, priorities in place, I need to start with the presentation & paper that are due Tuesday. I'm even going to skip class tomorrow evening because I need the time to work on this paper (10 pages) and presentation (1 hour).
I love grad school.
You know, it's funny... I was talking to a classmate yesterday, and we were both saying how people idealize the situation they aren't currently in. For example - when I was working full time and getting my master's degree... I thought to myself "hmmm... it would be so much easier if I could be in school full time". Now - I'm thinking it would be so much nicer if I were just working full time and not in school.
Just can't be happy, can I?
In other news - on the hurt feelings front... I'm better. I think I just have to realize that in a marriage - sometimes things get said that we don't mean. And feelings will get hurt. But what's important isn't the thing that was said - or even the fact that it was said... What's important, and what wins out in the end is that I love Alex. I choose to be with him, despite his human-ness.. And eventhough I was hurt, I'm willing to forgive him.
And so I have.
Now, I just have to deal with my own issues on the matter. I have to look myself in the eye - and just make the decision to go to the gym, to choose healthy foods instead of unhealthy ones, and if I do choose to eat something less-than-healthy... Like, say a ho ho, or pizza, etc... then I need to not torture myself about it.
Good luck to me.
Okay, back to it.
Bakhtin awaits.
-g
But, priorities in place, I need to start with the presentation & paper that are due Tuesday. I'm even going to skip class tomorrow evening because I need the time to work on this paper (10 pages) and presentation (1 hour).
I love grad school.
You know, it's funny... I was talking to a classmate yesterday, and we were both saying how people idealize the situation they aren't currently in. For example - when I was working full time and getting my master's degree... I thought to myself "hmmm... it would be so much easier if I could be in school full time". Now - I'm thinking it would be so much nicer if I were just working full time and not in school.
Just can't be happy, can I?
In other news - on the hurt feelings front... I'm better. I think I just have to realize that in a marriage - sometimes things get said that we don't mean. And feelings will get hurt. But what's important isn't the thing that was said - or even the fact that it was said... What's important, and what wins out in the end is that I love Alex. I choose to be with him, despite his human-ness.. And eventhough I was hurt, I'm willing to forgive him.
And so I have.
Now, I just have to deal with my own issues on the matter. I have to look myself in the eye - and just make the decision to go to the gym, to choose healthy foods instead of unhealthy ones, and if I do choose to eat something less-than-healthy... Like, say a ho ho, or pizza, etc... then I need to not torture myself about it.
Good luck to me.
Okay, back to it.
Bakhtin awaits.
-g
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Why would you speak to me that way Especially when I always said that I Haven't got the words for you All your diction dripping with disdain
...it's just because you don't really know me, and the thoughts that go through my brain, and my motivation for either doing (or not doing) the things I do or don't do.
But I digress.
I'm feeling blue because...
and there's nothing I can do to make it better today. I have some hope for tomorrow that is shaky at best - because my track record leaves much to be desired.
I'm also sad because I don't want to...
but I really can't avoid it any longer - and it has to be done today. So, it's the old "if I must I must" theory.
>On an up tick - I got some fan mail today from the kake-meister. Thanks, girlie! You have NO IDEA how much I needed it today. Well, maybe from parts of this unfinished blog post - you can surmise that it's been a bit of a rough day.<
g out
But I digress.
I'm feeling blue because...
and there's nothing I can do to make it better today. I have some hope for tomorrow that is shaky at best - because my track record leaves much to be desired.
I'm also sad because I don't want to...
but I really can't avoid it any longer - and it has to be done today. So, it's the old "if I must I must" theory.
>On an up tick - I got some fan mail today from the kake-meister. Thanks, girlie! You have NO IDEA how much I needed it today. Well, maybe from parts of this unfinished blog post - you can surmise that it's been a bit of a rough day.<
g out
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I went to sleep for the daytime I shut my eyes to the sunshine Turned my head away from the noise Bruise and drip decay of childish toys That I loved
Just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Alex is sitting in his recliner chair with his laptop in his lap. He's got our Lisa Hannigan CD playing, and he is fallen asleep.
I couldn't be more in love with any other person on this earth.
Of that I am 100% convinced.
-g
Alex is sitting in his recliner chair with his laptop in his lap. He's got our Lisa Hannigan CD playing, and he is fallen asleep.
I couldn't be more in love with any other person on this earth.
Of that I am 100% convinced.
-g
Friday, April 10, 2009
But they could go off and hit the road and what would I care? I like going nowhere, I got the reigns, courage I was made of.
'ello, 'ello.
Busy week.
We're getting into the last month of the semester (simultaneous YAY, and YIKE... makes it YAYKE) I have 3 ten page papers and a 20 page paper due starting April 21, and going through May 6. It's a little daunting, but I've at least started the research for them, which is HUGE progress for a procrastinator like me. My normal MO is to wait until the night before something is due - and then decide what I'll write about, do a cursory bit of thin research, and wing it. (and to think, I've gotten all the way through a master's degree with that kind of crap!) But this year - I just can't get away with that, and so - I'm becoming more like a real student, and less like a ridiculous immature Kewpie doll pretending to be a student. (you know, something like Astrophysicist Barbie where the only thing that makes me a student is my outfit, glasses, and the fact that my hair is in a bun)
So - we are taking a moment to be proud of me for this. Also considering that both Wednesday and Thursday this week, I spend 3 hours working in the library on the aforementioned research. (what? I'm telling you how smart and scholarly I am, and you're gonna give me crap about using the word "aforementioned"??)
Now - where we aren't so proud is on my personal issues front. This whole being deflated business is for the birds. I keep gaining weight. Not catastrophic amounts, but I'm used to losing. And I am petrified of gaining. After losing 70 pounds, one does not want to see any gain-age. The solution is hopefully the gym. Alex and I are going to go to our potential new gym today and make sure we feel comfortable there and like it before we pay for it. I think that we will. My friend Mel called me last night after I sent her a "cry for help" email about all of this. Her recommendation is definitely to hire a trainer. This gym has trainers - and you get a fitness evaluation and three free sessions with a trainer to get you set up on a program. I don't remember how much per session it is after that... But according to Mel, it's WAY worth it and borders on necessary. (in fact, I think her vote is that it's not only necessary, but essential - and I see her point. If I have an appointment with someone, I'm going to go. But if it's just "I need to go to the gym and workout today" I can easily break that appointment in favor of doing other important things.) (and - that's valid... because I do have a TON of important things I have to be doing, like research, write papers, grade papers, teach, create lessons, observe students, research, do laundry, clean my house, spend time with my husband, etc...)
Anyway - all these weight loss shows and books and magazines and talk shows and blogs ad nauseum say that the key is to make exercise a non-negotiable. I think in order to make that switch in my own head - I need to force myself to do it until I start to see positive results. At that point, I should be able to justify it enough to myself that I am able to say "this is not up for discussion, I'm going to work out". I think that is the biggest key to the Biggest Loser paradigm. Those people are forced to work out 6-8 hours a day. So it's no wonder they lose 100+ pounds in 4 months. And they experience such a huge benefit from it - and are able to transfer addiction from food to working out - and so they are able to continue the success at home. I think that it's at the same time amazing and awesome, and detrimental to people who sit at home watching, morbidly obese - and unable to work out 6-8 hours a day, and they don't have the support of their families, and they feel more and more hopeless. I always worry when I watch that show (I divo it - that's generic tivo) that there is a girl a lot like me who has not lost any weight, and is in fact gaining weight, sitting watching the show and feeling guilty, and beating herself up because she can't seem to get her act together and lose her weight. I picture her full of resolve after watching the first couple of episodes, and making deals with herself that she's going to lose weight with these people. But by the 3rd episode, she hasn't lost a pound, and she's feeling bad... By the 5th episode, she's eating pizza while she watches and by this point in the season (week 14) she's eating a whole pizza plus a package of oreos and a 2 liter of coke in the duration of the 2 hour episode, then rolling around on her living room floor in pain and a puddle of self-loathing after she watches the weigh-ins and realizes that she's put on 14 pounds in 14 weeks, while these people have lost 100s. Why do I picture this girl? Because that was me. I never watched the biggest loser before this season, but I am sure I watched some other show while I punished myself for not being able to lose weight.
It's a lonely lonely world when you are as big as I was. Chairs are scary - because they might not hold you. Planes, buses, theatre seats - all uncomfortable and mean. In any restaurant, people cast judgmental glances as they watch you eat, no matter if you're eating a salad or a cheeseburger. The grocery store is another place where people glance in your cart, and then shoot you disapproving glares if you have anything in there that is considered "unhealthy". Entering a gym at that weight is awful, because you have the people who look at you with the "yeah - you need to be here, fatty" glare, and the people who look at you with pity in their eyes. And you don't want any of it. You don't want people to look at you and see only your weight. You wan them to look at you and see you. Many people haven't heard this story - but my Dad's wife once described me to her son as "She's real big". She did not tell him I had dark, curly hair, or what I'd be wearing, or that I had dark skin. Hell - she could have told him I was Mexican, or ethnic, and I would have been less offended. But the only descriptor she gave him was that I was real big. I was. But I was still a person. And her husband's daughter for crying out loud. I should have been described in a non-dehumanizing way. But I was instead reduced to being described by my weight. And that is precisely what happens to overweight people. They are defined by their midsections, and not by the content of their character. And that is partly because a lot of people decide before they even get to know an over weight person, that they are fat because they are lazy. What I want to say to people like that is, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE SO OVERWEIGHT THAT YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL (MEDICAL) INTERVENTION. IT IS PAINFUL, AWFUL, EMBARRASSING, DEHUMANIZING, AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL - AND YOUR SITTING PASSING JUDGMENT ABOUT SOMETHING YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MAKES IT THAT MUCH WORSE, ASSHOLE!
In my Sociology class, we learned about the Stanford Prison experiment - briefly, it was where a group of college men were divided into prisoners and guards, and put into a prison situation for 2 weeks. What happened was not unlike the situation in Abu Ghraib... The guards were abusive to the prisoners, and humiliated them, tortured them, etc... The professor who conducted the experiment said it's a case of good apple, bad barrel. And what compounds the situation, making it that much worse, is all of the people outside of it casting judgment and saying "If I were in that situation I would never do that". His point was that we cannot say that. We cannot possibly know what we would do in any given situation if we have no experience with said situation. Now, a year ago - I would have said, "Yes, but I would never torture a human being if I were a prison guard in Abu Ghraib. I'm a good person." Now, I say "I would never torture a human being in my life as it is. But were I a prison guard, I have no idea how I would be changed and act - because I don't know what that's like." It IN NO WAY excuses the actions of these people to torture other people... But it in part explains it. These guards are in high stress environments with no sleep, being told that their prisoners are less-than-human scum who don't deserve to live because they are plotting to hurt the guards' families and countrymen, being given no time off, no support, and improper nutrition. Do I sound like I'm making excuses for them? I'm not. I'm just saying that I don't know what kind of things I would do if I were in their circumstances for a week, let alone for months and years on end. Maybe I am not a person who should be judging them.
And it's the same for thin people judging overweight people. I have heard thin people say things like "If I were that big, I would just stop eating". Really? How realistic is that? "If I were that big, I'd shoot myself" Touching. "If I were that big, I would get on the treadmill and run until the weight was gone" Hmm.. another super human feat. I love that when thin people picture themselves bigger - they are also wearing tights and a cape.
My point in all of this is to say that people need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations they encounter. I need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations I encounter.
And, probably most important of all - I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself.
Should be simple, right? ;)
g out
Busy week.
We're getting into the last month of the semester (simultaneous YAY, and YIKE... makes it YAYKE) I have 3 ten page papers and a 20 page paper due starting April 21, and going through May 6. It's a little daunting, but I've at least started the research for them, which is HUGE progress for a procrastinator like me. My normal MO is to wait until the night before something is due - and then decide what I'll write about, do a cursory bit of thin research, and wing it. (and to think, I've gotten all the way through a master's degree with that kind of crap!) But this year - I just can't get away with that, and so - I'm becoming more like a real student, and less like a ridiculous immature Kewpie doll pretending to be a student. (you know, something like Astrophysicist Barbie where the only thing that makes me a student is my outfit, glasses, and the fact that my hair is in a bun)
So - we are taking a moment to be proud of me for this. Also considering that both Wednesday and Thursday this week, I spend 3 hours working in the library on the aforementioned research. (what? I'm telling you how smart and scholarly I am, and you're gonna give me crap about using the word "aforementioned"??)
Now - where we aren't so proud is on my personal issues front. This whole being deflated business is for the birds. I keep gaining weight. Not catastrophic amounts, but I'm used to losing. And I am petrified of gaining. After losing 70 pounds, one does not want to see any gain-age. The solution is hopefully the gym. Alex and I are going to go to our potential new gym today and make sure we feel comfortable there and like it before we pay for it. I think that we will. My friend Mel called me last night after I sent her a "cry for help" email about all of this. Her recommendation is definitely to hire a trainer. This gym has trainers - and you get a fitness evaluation and three free sessions with a trainer to get you set up on a program. I don't remember how much per session it is after that... But according to Mel, it's WAY worth it and borders on necessary. (in fact, I think her vote is that it's not only necessary, but essential - and I see her point. If I have an appointment with someone, I'm going to go. But if it's just "I need to go to the gym and workout today" I can easily break that appointment in favor of doing other important things.) (and - that's valid... because I do have a TON of important things I have to be doing, like research, write papers, grade papers, teach, create lessons, observe students, research, do laundry, clean my house, spend time with my husband, etc...)
Anyway - all these weight loss shows and books and magazines and talk shows and blogs ad nauseum say that the key is to make exercise a non-negotiable. I think in order to make that switch in my own head - I need to force myself to do it until I start to see positive results. At that point, I should be able to justify it enough to myself that I am able to say "this is not up for discussion, I'm going to work out". I think that is the biggest key to the Biggest Loser paradigm. Those people are forced to work out 6-8 hours a day. So it's no wonder they lose 100+ pounds in 4 months. And they experience such a huge benefit from it - and are able to transfer addiction from food to working out - and so they are able to continue the success at home. I think that it's at the same time amazing and awesome, and detrimental to people who sit at home watching, morbidly obese - and unable to work out 6-8 hours a day, and they don't have the support of their families, and they feel more and more hopeless. I always worry when I watch that show (I divo it - that's generic tivo) that there is a girl a lot like me who has not lost any weight, and is in fact gaining weight, sitting watching the show and feeling guilty, and beating herself up because she can't seem to get her act together and lose her weight. I picture her full of resolve after watching the first couple of episodes, and making deals with herself that she's going to lose weight with these people. But by the 3rd episode, she hasn't lost a pound, and she's feeling bad... By the 5th episode, she's eating pizza while she watches and by this point in the season (week 14) she's eating a whole pizza plus a package of oreos and a 2 liter of coke in the duration of the 2 hour episode, then rolling around on her living room floor in pain and a puddle of self-loathing after she watches the weigh-ins and realizes that she's put on 14 pounds in 14 weeks, while these people have lost 100s. Why do I picture this girl? Because that was me. I never watched the biggest loser before this season, but I am sure I watched some other show while I punished myself for not being able to lose weight.
It's a lonely lonely world when you are as big as I was. Chairs are scary - because they might not hold you. Planes, buses, theatre seats - all uncomfortable and mean. In any restaurant, people cast judgmental glances as they watch you eat, no matter if you're eating a salad or a cheeseburger. The grocery store is another place where people glance in your cart, and then shoot you disapproving glares if you have anything in there that is considered "unhealthy". Entering a gym at that weight is awful, because you have the people who look at you with the "yeah - you need to be here, fatty" glare, and the people who look at you with pity in their eyes. And you don't want any of it. You don't want people to look at you and see only your weight. You wan them to look at you and see you. Many people haven't heard this story - but my Dad's wife once described me to her son as "She's real big". She did not tell him I had dark, curly hair, or what I'd be wearing, or that I had dark skin. Hell - she could have told him I was Mexican, or ethnic, and I would have been less offended. But the only descriptor she gave him was that I was real big. I was. But I was still a person. And her husband's daughter for crying out loud. I should have been described in a non-dehumanizing way. But I was instead reduced to being described by my weight. And that is precisely what happens to overweight people. They are defined by their midsections, and not by the content of their character. And that is partly because a lot of people decide before they even get to know an over weight person, that they are fat because they are lazy. What I want to say to people like that is, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE SO OVERWEIGHT THAT YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL (MEDICAL) INTERVENTION. IT IS PAINFUL, AWFUL, EMBARRASSING, DEHUMANIZING, AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL - AND YOUR SITTING PASSING JUDGMENT ABOUT SOMETHING YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MAKES IT THAT MUCH WORSE, ASSHOLE!
In my Sociology class, we learned about the Stanford Prison experiment - briefly, it was where a group of college men were divided into prisoners and guards, and put into a prison situation for 2 weeks. What happened was not unlike the situation in Abu Ghraib... The guards were abusive to the prisoners, and humiliated them, tortured them, etc... The professor who conducted the experiment said it's a case of good apple, bad barrel. And what compounds the situation, making it that much worse, is all of the people outside of it casting judgment and saying "If I were in that situation I would never do that". His point was that we cannot say that. We cannot possibly know what we would do in any given situation if we have no experience with said situation. Now, a year ago - I would have said, "Yes, but I would never torture a human being if I were a prison guard in Abu Ghraib. I'm a good person." Now, I say "I would never torture a human being in my life as it is. But were I a prison guard, I have no idea how I would be changed and act - because I don't know what that's like." It IN NO WAY excuses the actions of these people to torture other people... But it in part explains it. These guards are in high stress environments with no sleep, being told that their prisoners are less-than-human scum who don't deserve to live because they are plotting to hurt the guards' families and countrymen, being given no time off, no support, and improper nutrition. Do I sound like I'm making excuses for them? I'm not. I'm just saying that I don't know what kind of things I would do if I were in their circumstances for a week, let alone for months and years on end. Maybe I am not a person who should be judging them.
And it's the same for thin people judging overweight people. I have heard thin people say things like "If I were that big, I would just stop eating". Really? How realistic is that? "If I were that big, I'd shoot myself" Touching. "If I were that big, I would get on the treadmill and run until the weight was gone" Hmm.. another super human feat. I love that when thin people picture themselves bigger - they are also wearing tights and a cape.
My point in all of this is to say that people need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations they encounter. I need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations I encounter.
And, probably most important of all - I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself.
Should be simple, right? ;)
g out
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Come, mister tally man, tally me bananas! Daylight come and me wan go home!
Yesterday was fun. I always forget how dirty, crammed and full of truly strange people the medieval fair is! Marmee and I met up with Laura & Ralph. We saw plenty of people in medieval garb, we saw lots of vendors with leather, clothing, trinkets, swords, fairy wings, and musical instruments. Not to mention the foods! The normal fair suspects were present; funnel cakes, corn dogs, HUGE turkey legs... Plus there was a Celtic bakery and a place selling beef wellingon. How weird is that?? Mom and I each had a corndog, then she had a caramel apple (and I stole a couple of bites!) We just walked around looking at all the people & things for sale.
Then Marmee and I came back here - and she printed off some wedding photos. She wants to make little photo books for my nieces, nephews, and sisters.
I have officially gained 3 pounds. So the gym membership idea is becoming imperative. I don't want to hit the +5 mark. I want to be very careful not to undo the 9 months of weight loss. Plus - any gain might hinder the idea of getting pregnant... So I want to be SUPER careful.
Otherwise - I'm counting the moments until the semester ends! We're at 5 weeks. And I cannot wait to be done.
Then on to summer school.
Whose idea was this whole PhD? I'd like a word with that individual.
Then Marmee and I came back here - and she printed off some wedding photos. She wants to make little photo books for my nieces, nephews, and sisters.
I have officially gained 3 pounds. So the gym membership idea is becoming imperative. I don't want to hit the +5 mark. I want to be very careful not to undo the 9 months of weight loss. Plus - any gain might hinder the idea of getting pregnant... So I want to be SUPER careful.
Otherwise - I'm counting the moments until the semester ends! We're at 5 weeks. And I cannot wait to be done.
Then on to summer school.
Whose idea was this whole PhD? I'd like a word with that individual.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
"When you wanna quit cause nothing works, don't give in, quitting is the specialty of jerks, don't give in, simply keep your focus on what lies ahead
...don't play games, don't play dead, begin! those who are marking time, wake up. life is a cause that you have to take up. don't give in."
That lyric is so great - it had to be completed. Well, at least that stanza had to be.
Happy April Fools Day! I made it through March blogging on average every other day. That's pretty decent considering my recent track record with blogging. Thanks go out to kakes for kicking me in the ass and making me pay more attention to the fact that people might actually be reading this blog - and that they furthermore care about the things going through my head. (either that - or they're just bored at work, but I am in support of aiding and abbeting when it comes to procrastination.)
Speaking of procrastinating - that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm not interested in working, or doing homework, or working out, or anything. Really - what I want to do is bake, but I am trying very hard to stay out of the kitchen right now. The problem isn't in the baking... The problem is afterward when I want to eat those delightful things I've created. (And today - I'd like to create, and subsequently eat, some chocolate chip cookies)
I've noticed that at least one of my friends posts her blogging as a note on her facebook. Interesting idea. More people would be aware of the blogging that I'm doing. Which is simultaneously a plus and a minus. But it's something to consider anyhow.
I'm also considering joining a gym. The reasons for this are tri-fold. 1 - Alex won't go to the OU gym. And who can blame him? I thought it would be super intimidating, went and found out it wasn't too bad - and now, since I haven't been in a while, am feeling like it's super intimidating again. I just can't enjoy working out when I'm doing so along side a 19 year old blonde whose only ever heard of cellulite, but she has never actually experienced it. It just seems unfair that those girls breeze in and out of the gym with their make-up and hair undisturbed - when I, next to them, am sweating my ass off, mascara pooling underneath my eyes, and will to live pooling down around my ankles. 2 - HAVE to work out. Have definitely hit a plateau, and then am eating more like a regular person now. In that I'm eating more normal portions. I am TRYING my best to keep my calories under 1400/day. It is not the easiest thing in the world. But I am making an effort. So much so, in fact, that I'm writing down everything I eat in a journal, and I'm calculating the calories, sugar, fat, carbs, and protein in each thing. It takes me almost an hour to figure out a meal that I've cooked at home. HUGE pain in the ass - but I think it's the best idea so that I don't wind up gaining any weight while I'm un-filled. (or deflated... however you'd like to refer to it) 3 - Although the OU gym is included in my tuition, and I have some hand weights and a treadmill in my house - I need to have a place where I GO to workout, and preferably one where I can join a class of some ilk. For example: water aerobics, core strength training, yoga! Oh, how I miss yoga!!
On the schedule for this weekend: dinner with an old friend on Friday, medieval fair with Marmee (and maybe Laura) on Saturday. LOTS of homework throughout. Envy me, people... You know you want to. ;)
-g
That lyric is so great - it had to be completed. Well, at least that stanza had to be.
Happy April Fools Day! I made it through March blogging on average every other day. That's pretty decent considering my recent track record with blogging. Thanks go out to kakes for kicking me in the ass and making me pay more attention to the fact that people might actually be reading this blog - and that they furthermore care about the things going through my head. (either that - or they're just bored at work, but I am in support of aiding and abbeting when it comes to procrastination.)
Speaking of procrastinating - that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm not interested in working, or doing homework, or working out, or anything. Really - what I want to do is bake, but I am trying very hard to stay out of the kitchen right now. The problem isn't in the baking... The problem is afterward when I want to eat those delightful things I've created. (And today - I'd like to create, and subsequently eat, some chocolate chip cookies)
I've noticed that at least one of my friends posts her blogging as a note on her facebook. Interesting idea. More people would be aware of the blogging that I'm doing. Which is simultaneously a plus and a minus. But it's something to consider anyhow.
I'm also considering joining a gym. The reasons for this are tri-fold. 1 - Alex won't go to the OU gym. And who can blame him? I thought it would be super intimidating, went and found out it wasn't too bad - and now, since I haven't been in a while, am feeling like it's super intimidating again. I just can't enjoy working out when I'm doing so along side a 19 year old blonde whose only ever heard of cellulite, but she has never actually experienced it. It just seems unfair that those girls breeze in and out of the gym with their make-up and hair undisturbed - when I, next to them, am sweating my ass off, mascara pooling underneath my eyes, and will to live pooling down around my ankles. 2 - HAVE to work out. Have definitely hit a plateau, and then am eating more like a regular person now. In that I'm eating more normal portions. I am TRYING my best to keep my calories under 1400/day. It is not the easiest thing in the world. But I am making an effort. So much so, in fact, that I'm writing down everything I eat in a journal, and I'm calculating the calories, sugar, fat, carbs, and protein in each thing. It takes me almost an hour to figure out a meal that I've cooked at home. HUGE pain in the ass - but I think it's the best idea so that I don't wind up gaining any weight while I'm un-filled. (or deflated... however you'd like to refer to it) 3 - Although the OU gym is included in my tuition, and I have some hand weights and a treadmill in my house - I need to have a place where I GO to workout, and preferably one where I can join a class of some ilk. For example: water aerobics, core strength training, yoga! Oh, how I miss yoga!!
On the schedule for this weekend: dinner with an old friend on Friday, medieval fair with Marmee (and maybe Laura) on Saturday. LOTS of homework throughout. Envy me, people... You know you want to. ;)
-g
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Two steps forward, two steps back.
Saturday night.
I enjoy Saturdays because Alex has class all day, and then goes to play D&D at night. No - right off, that sounds bad... I was never the kind of person who needed my alone time. But I think that years of co-habitation have made me rethink that concept, and to be really honest, I do need some alone time every now and then. Not for a good reason, or even a sexy reason... Just so I can watch lame, cheese ball movies on TBS in my jammies while I do laundry. (And, really - I could do that with him here... But then he comes through every hour or so and laughs at whatever movie I happen to be watching for the hundredth time - and I already know how lame I am for watching these movies over and over again, I don't need to be reminded.)
So - right now, it's Miss Congeniality. I love that movie.
This week was busy and eventful. Eventhough I'm not teaching right now, since my students are doing their field experience, I've been busy busy busy. I made my 10 hours for my research assistant job. 10 hours doesn't sound like much, but it had me hopping! Also - I went to the doctor, and he won the argument... Since I am trying to get pregnant, he decided it would be best to take out all of the saline in my fill. YIKES! So - I'm a normal mortal again, and already it's a struggle. I've started keeping a very careful journal of what I'm eating. I know what I'm eating a small fraction of what I did pre-surgery... But I'm still managing to go over my desired 1200 calorie daily intake. I looked online at a "healthy body calculator" which allows you to enter your height, weight, age, etc... and it calculates how many calories, fat grams, etc... you should consume daily in order to either maintain, gain, or lose weight. So - to maintain, I should consume 2000 calories, and to lose I should consume 1200. Yesterday, I hit 1400, and today I'm at 1600. I'm hoping not to gain too much (or any) and in fact am hoping to continue to lose. Now that I'm not so tight - that cough I've had since February 2nd is gone, so I should find it easier to workout without getting too short of breath.
So, that's my health situation.
As for school/work... Things are going okay. 5 more weeks of classes in which I have to complete 2 10 page papers, and a 20 page paper, plus a 5 page paper & presentation. None of that should be too terribly awful. ;)
There was supposed to be a huge snowstorm this weekend. It didn't actually happen here. There was snow. But it was gone by about 2 this afternoon. I hear the weather is supposed to warm right back up. I can say that all the pressure changes in the atmosphere have given me headaches like crazy! Stupid Oklahoma weather.
Well - cheesy movie #1 is almost over, and I'm settling in to my chair for #2 - Sex & the City!
G'night all!
g
I enjoy Saturdays because Alex has class all day, and then goes to play D&D at night. No - right off, that sounds bad... I was never the kind of person who needed my alone time. But I think that years of co-habitation have made me rethink that concept, and to be really honest, I do need some alone time every now and then. Not for a good reason, or even a sexy reason... Just so I can watch lame, cheese ball movies on TBS in my jammies while I do laundry. (And, really - I could do that with him here... But then he comes through every hour or so and laughs at whatever movie I happen to be watching for the hundredth time - and I already know how lame I am for watching these movies over and over again, I don't need to be reminded.)
So - right now, it's Miss Congeniality. I love that movie.
This week was busy and eventful. Eventhough I'm not teaching right now, since my students are doing their field experience, I've been busy busy busy. I made my 10 hours for my research assistant job. 10 hours doesn't sound like much, but it had me hopping! Also - I went to the doctor, and he won the argument... Since I am trying to get pregnant, he decided it would be best to take out all of the saline in my fill. YIKES! So - I'm a normal mortal again, and already it's a struggle. I've started keeping a very careful journal of what I'm eating. I know what I'm eating a small fraction of what I did pre-surgery... But I'm still managing to go over my desired 1200 calorie daily intake. I looked online at a "healthy body calculator" which allows you to enter your height, weight, age, etc... and it calculates how many calories, fat grams, etc... you should consume daily in order to either maintain, gain, or lose weight. So - to maintain, I should consume 2000 calories, and to lose I should consume 1200. Yesterday, I hit 1400, and today I'm at 1600. I'm hoping not to gain too much (or any) and in fact am hoping to continue to lose. Now that I'm not so tight - that cough I've had since February 2nd is gone, so I should find it easier to workout without getting too short of breath.
So, that's my health situation.
As for school/work... Things are going okay. 5 more weeks of classes in which I have to complete 2 10 page papers, and a 20 page paper, plus a 5 page paper & presentation. None of that should be too terribly awful. ;)
There was supposed to be a huge snowstorm this weekend. It didn't actually happen here. There was snow. But it was gone by about 2 this afternoon. I hear the weather is supposed to warm right back up. I can say that all the pressure changes in the atmosphere have given me headaches like crazy! Stupid Oklahoma weather.
Well - cheesy movie #1 is almost over, and I'm settling in to my chair for #2 - Sex & the City!
G'night all!
g
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I want to I want to be someone else or Ill explode Floating upon this surface for the birds The birds The birds
In Tulsa in a hotel room all by my lonesome.
Not that I'm a super sad panda, or anything. It was my choice. I could have stayed (for free) at my Mom's house, or my Dad's house, or my Mother-in-law's house, or my Grandparents-in-law's house... etc...
But I just didn't feel comfortable doing that - who knows why, and so I decided to grab a hotel room.
So, here I am. Watching Law & Order with a diet pepsi by my side.
The drive here today was great! I plugged in my iPhone, and turned up the music loud. I sang loud and sometimes off-key, I danced... It was just like when I was a teenager. In fact, I felt like a teenager. I had my left leg pulled up next to me in the seat, and I was bopping around like a lunatic.
After I got into town, I took care of a couple of errands - and then I got to go shopping! I've been giving all of my too-big-for-me-clothes to Marmee, and she's used them, then taken them to a consignment shop. She sent me a $92 check for all the clothes of mine that have sold. So I got to go shop for some clothes that actually fit me. I decided my dollar would stretch the farthest at Kohl's - considering their huge clearance sections at any given time. I think I did pretty well. I got 6 or 7 tops 3 pair of pants, and a SUPER cute purse. (okay, so I didn't technically "need" the purse in a strict sense of the word - but you should see it... it is SO cute, a really pretty green color - AND my laptop fits in it, which is a bonus!)
Now, it's 10:00 - and I'm winding down. Time to watch the news (apparently, it's going to snow Friday & Saturday... Crazy Oklahoma weather)
I need a book I can read for fun. I don't want to start reading a chapter for school, because I'm not in the mood to be all focused and highlighting... At the same time, I love to read before going to sleep. Conundrum!
Sweet dreams, people!
-g money
Not that I'm a super sad panda, or anything. It was my choice. I could have stayed (for free) at my Mom's house, or my Dad's house, or my Mother-in-law's house, or my Grandparents-in-law's house... etc...
But I just didn't feel comfortable doing that - who knows why, and so I decided to grab a hotel room.
So, here I am. Watching Law & Order with a diet pepsi by my side.
The drive here today was great! I plugged in my iPhone, and turned up the music loud. I sang loud and sometimes off-key, I danced... It was just like when I was a teenager. In fact, I felt like a teenager. I had my left leg pulled up next to me in the seat, and I was bopping around like a lunatic.
After I got into town, I took care of a couple of errands - and then I got to go shopping! I've been giving all of my too-big-for-me-clothes to Marmee, and she's used them, then taken them to a consignment shop. She sent me a $92 check for all the clothes of mine that have sold. So I got to go shop for some clothes that actually fit me. I decided my dollar would stretch the farthest at Kohl's - considering their huge clearance sections at any given time. I think I did pretty well. I got 6 or 7 tops 3 pair of pants, and a SUPER cute purse. (okay, so I didn't technically "need" the purse in a strict sense of the word - but you should see it... it is SO cute, a really pretty green color - AND my laptop fits in it, which is a bonus!)
Now, it's 10:00 - and I'm winding down. Time to watch the news (apparently, it's going to snow Friday & Saturday... Crazy Oklahoma weather)
I need a book I can read for fun. I don't want to start reading a chapter for school, because I'm not in the mood to be all focused and highlighting... At the same time, I love to read before going to sleep. Conundrum!
Sweet dreams, people!
-g money
Monday, March 23, 2009
She said she doesn’t like it here, left everything back home She was lost and bitter, broken and alone
I am feeling a bit more like myself again.
I don't know what it was that prompted all of the questioning and doubt. Marmee theorized that it was the fact that I've gotten myself so behind, and was feeling overwhelmed as a result. Traditionally, when I feel overwhelmed - I start looking for an exit strategy. And who wouldn't?
But I'm not convinced that's what it was this time.
I think that going through a program such as this provokes sharp questioning not only within ones field, but also sharp questioning of who one is, and why are we here, etc...
Plus, since I changed programs back in November from Reading to English Ed, I'm experiencing a bit of buyer's remorse. I'm feeling frustrated because my new adviser is very difficult to get used to. He's really non-linear in his thinking, and he is difficult to get face time with. I just have to adjust.
So - plenty of deep breaths are in order, and a buckle-down attitude... I'll be okay. And I'm going to stick with it.
At least for now. ;o)
What? If I were sure all the time, this would be the MOST BORING BLOG EVER!
Whereas now...
g
I don't know what it was that prompted all of the questioning and doubt. Marmee theorized that it was the fact that I've gotten myself so behind, and was feeling overwhelmed as a result. Traditionally, when I feel overwhelmed - I start looking for an exit strategy. And who wouldn't?
But I'm not convinced that's what it was this time.
I think that going through a program such as this provokes sharp questioning not only within ones field, but also sharp questioning of who one is, and why are we here, etc...
Plus, since I changed programs back in November from Reading to English Ed, I'm experiencing a bit of buyer's remorse. I'm feeling frustrated because my new adviser is very difficult to get used to. He's really non-linear in his thinking, and he is difficult to get face time with. I just have to adjust.
So - plenty of deep breaths are in order, and a buckle-down attitude... I'll be okay. And I'm going to stick with it.
At least for now. ;o)
What? If I were sure all the time, this would be the MOST BORING BLOG EVER!
Whereas now...
g
Sunday, March 22, 2009
When the truth is found to be lies And all the joy within you dies
Spring break is over.
Boo.
I did not get all caught up as I intended. No big surprise there. I am almost finished with one of the big assignments that I have due this week. I still have 1 more big assignment (due Monday night) and 1 more moderate-sized one.
Plus, I have to do a lot for my new research job this week. Aaaand I have to go check in on my students during their field experience in an elementary school.
In other words - I'm busy, tired, behind, and still overwhelmed. Alex doesn't like that I'm questioning whether I really need to pursue this degree or not right now. He even hijacked the phone at one point while I was talking to kakes today and tattled on me, thinking she would get me back on track... But I asked her to differ judgment until she reads my posts here. I think I've made a compelling argument for being legitimately confused.
I looked online at homes in Tulsa yesterday. I really wish we could move there this summer as opposed to next. I found some cute homes that would be great for us - and the prices were just what we are looking to spend. (Mostly because I set the parameters of the search to come out that way... but I digress)
I'm ready to no longer be in transit. I want to be permananent. I want to own a home, not be moving in the near future. Not be working on a degree, not be trying to get pregnant, not be waiting around for the nest part of life to begin.
Not that I'm not living my life right now. But the mentality in grad school is DEFINITELY - "suffer now, and enjoy life later". And I'm becoming less and less okay with that motto. Especially since I look at my professors - and they are still largely suffering. There is only one professor I've worked with here who seems to have it all, and I think it's because he's a man. He and his wife have 3 adorable kids, and he spends lots of time with them. He presents, publishes, and he doesn't seem to be dragged down by the politics, or the bullshit that come along with the job. It's just a job - it doesn't have to be his whole life. But there is a different set of expectations and requirements for women in that position. We are expected to sacrifice time with our families - or we are seen as weak and emotional. There was a Sex and the City episode about this. Women have to play by a different set of rules to get the jobs they want. And the bottom line is - when I have a job, I want to do it 100%. When I half-ass a job, I feel bad about myself as a person. And if being a professor brings with it the job requirement that I sacrifice my personal time with my family... I do NOT want that job.
I want a job that requires no more than 40 hours of my time away from my family. I want a job that allows me to feel good about myself, without feeling like I should be doing more.
And I do realize that it all depends on my approach to the job. There is a grad assistant here who teaches the science portion of the group of classes where I teach the literacy part... She is incredible. She says - "I am willing to take ___ many hours per semester, and teach ____ many hours per semester and NO more." and she means it. She does not feel bad about saying "no", and she does not feel like she is doing less of a good job when she says no. She feels that her family is more important, and she acts accordingly. The problem is - I don't think I'm capable of being that firm and strong. I would feel guilty all the time.
Which is part of the reason I don't want to work at all when we have little ones at home. I don't want to be tempted to take on too much in a job - and wind up missing a first step, or a first word - or even a 10th word. I want to be there with my kids and experience all the little moments that zoom past at warp speed. I want to be present with my family. Marmee was amazing when I was a kid - and she took on the world... and I had lots of babysitters, and eventually became quite self-reliant. And I'm thankful to her for that, because I am the person I am today because of how I was raised... But she missed things with me that I am unwilling to miss with my kids.
Every time I sit and think about this - I keep coming to the solution that I don't know what I'm doing, and I certainly don't know why I'm doing it. And when I come to that realization - I am faced with: what would I do otherwise? Were I to stop pursuing this degree, I would have to get a job - and then I'm right back where I was before.
I guess I'm realizing that I can't have it all, and so I'm going to have to choose what it is that I want to have.
And therein lies the problem.
g out
Boo.
I did not get all caught up as I intended. No big surprise there. I am almost finished with one of the big assignments that I have due this week. I still have 1 more big assignment (due Monday night) and 1 more moderate-sized one.
Plus, I have to do a lot for my new research job this week. Aaaand I have to go check in on my students during their field experience in an elementary school.
In other words - I'm busy, tired, behind, and still overwhelmed. Alex doesn't like that I'm questioning whether I really need to pursue this degree or not right now. He even hijacked the phone at one point while I was talking to kakes today and tattled on me, thinking she would get me back on track... But I asked her to differ judgment until she reads my posts here. I think I've made a compelling argument for being legitimately confused.
I looked online at homes in Tulsa yesterday. I really wish we could move there this summer as opposed to next. I found some cute homes that would be great for us - and the prices were just what we are looking to spend. (Mostly because I set the parameters of the search to come out that way... but I digress)
I'm ready to no longer be in transit. I want to be permananent. I want to own a home, not be moving in the near future. Not be working on a degree, not be trying to get pregnant, not be waiting around for the nest part of life to begin.
Not that I'm not living my life right now. But the mentality in grad school is DEFINITELY - "suffer now, and enjoy life later". And I'm becoming less and less okay with that motto. Especially since I look at my professors - and they are still largely suffering. There is only one professor I've worked with here who seems to have it all, and I think it's because he's a man. He and his wife have 3 adorable kids, and he spends lots of time with them. He presents, publishes, and he doesn't seem to be dragged down by the politics, or the bullshit that come along with the job. It's just a job - it doesn't have to be his whole life. But there is a different set of expectations and requirements for women in that position. We are expected to sacrifice time with our families - or we are seen as weak and emotional. There was a Sex and the City episode about this. Women have to play by a different set of rules to get the jobs they want. And the bottom line is - when I have a job, I want to do it 100%. When I half-ass a job, I feel bad about myself as a person. And if being a professor brings with it the job requirement that I sacrifice my personal time with my family... I do NOT want that job.
I want a job that requires no more than 40 hours of my time away from my family. I want a job that allows me to feel good about myself, without feeling like I should be doing more.
And I do realize that it all depends on my approach to the job. There is a grad assistant here who teaches the science portion of the group of classes where I teach the literacy part... She is incredible. She says - "I am willing to take ___ many hours per semester, and teach ____ many hours per semester and NO more." and she means it. She does not feel bad about saying "no", and she does not feel like she is doing less of a good job when she says no. She feels that her family is more important, and she acts accordingly. The problem is - I don't think I'm capable of being that firm and strong. I would feel guilty all the time.
Which is part of the reason I don't want to work at all when we have little ones at home. I don't want to be tempted to take on too much in a job - and wind up missing a first step, or a first word - or even a 10th word. I want to be there with my kids and experience all the little moments that zoom past at warp speed. I want to be present with my family. Marmee was amazing when I was a kid - and she took on the world... and I had lots of babysitters, and eventually became quite self-reliant. And I'm thankful to her for that, because I am the person I am today because of how I was raised... But she missed things with me that I am unwilling to miss with my kids.
Every time I sit and think about this - I keep coming to the solution that I don't know what I'm doing, and I certainly don't know why I'm doing it. And when I come to that realization - I am faced with: what would I do otherwise? Were I to stop pursuing this degree, I would have to get a job - and then I'm right back where I was before.
I guess I'm realizing that I can't have it all, and so I'm going to have to choose what it is that I want to have.
And therein lies the problem.
g out
Friday, March 20, 2009
there's one man, he's like the wishful thinking in my life, i see so and he's like the wine on the weekend...
ugh.
the weekend already.
spring break came and went far too fast. i didn't get enough done. not by half. all of a sudden, my homework completion is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. And I'm getting a little panicky.
but alex will be gone tomorrow afternoon and evening at his nerd game, and so i'll have the freedom to work. one would think the shear fact that the majority of this stuff is due monday and tuesday would be motivation enough for me to want to get them done... but honestly, i'd much rather just sit around in my jammies, order pizza, and watch cheesy movies on tbs like any other spring break day.
i am starting to hate this whole phd thing.
really. i keep asking myself, "what am i doing, and why am i doing it?". is all of this really necessary for me to be a self-actualized happy adult human being? is my competitive nature so overpowering that i won't be happy until i have those three little letters behind my name. do those letters legitimize me as a person, as a scholar, as a professional, or at all?
i really need to figure out what my real reason is for doing all of this. because without knowing that - it becomes really easy to start to plan an exit strategy.
i think that part of (and granted, it is a small part) but part of the reason i was so disappointed in not actually being pregnant a couple of weeks ago was that i figured if i were pregnant, i would have to stop running at this pace. if i have a baby - and i stop school to raise my child, that's okay in my mind. if i stop going to school because i decide it isn't for me - well, that's probably a cop out.
i was discussing this with a classmate earlier this week: what kind of a person am i? what do i value, what do i place the most importance on?
for me personally... i place the most importance on my husband and my family. school is easily tertiary to them. when i have kids - i know that my most important job will be to take care of them. at that point, having a phd or not doesn't matter, because i'll have a much more important 3 letters - m.o.m
so, if that's the case, then am i just biding my time til i get pregnant, and amusing myself with this cute little "hobby" that has swiftly become a HUMONGOUS pain in the arse?? am i no better than the girls who go to college simply to earn their "MRS" degree? am i wasting my time working on something which i have no intention of finishing?
the answer is - i don't know.
the plan, if i get to plan these types of things, which we all know i don't - but i digress... the plan, as it is right now, is for me to take 12 hours this summer, 12 in the fall, and 12 in the spring - thus completing my coursework in spring of 2010. then, alex and i will move back to Tulsa in june of '10 - and i will be pregnant at that time. i will have the baby, and when it is around 6 months old, i'll start work on the dissertation.
now, in a realistic situation where every one is being honest - do i even begin, let alone complete, a dissertation with an infant at home?
my gut reaction is - nope.
so, back to my question - that being the case... WHAT AM I DOING??
now - let's talk long term goal... were i to successfully earn the doctorate - what would i do with it? my answer to that question has been "i will either teach at the university level, or i will consult and actually make some money". were i to teach at the university level - there would have to be some strict caveats in place, such as - i would need to teach at a NON research university. i don't have any interest or desire to be in a cut-throat, competitive situation. i don't have any interest or desire to be required to publish articles in journals every semester. i don't have any interest or desire to put my husband or children on the back burner while i tend to my job. frankly - right now, i don't have any interest or desire to have a job at all. i just want to be a wife and a mom.
so now what?
g
the weekend already.
spring break came and went far too fast. i didn't get enough done. not by half. all of a sudden, my homework completion is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. And I'm getting a little panicky.
but alex will be gone tomorrow afternoon and evening at his nerd game, and so i'll have the freedom to work. one would think the shear fact that the majority of this stuff is due monday and tuesday would be motivation enough for me to want to get them done... but honestly, i'd much rather just sit around in my jammies, order pizza, and watch cheesy movies on tbs like any other spring break day.
i am starting to hate this whole phd thing.
really. i keep asking myself, "what am i doing, and why am i doing it?". is all of this really necessary for me to be a self-actualized happy adult human being? is my competitive nature so overpowering that i won't be happy until i have those three little letters behind my name. do those letters legitimize me as a person, as a scholar, as a professional, or at all?
i really need to figure out what my real reason is for doing all of this. because without knowing that - it becomes really easy to start to plan an exit strategy.
i think that part of (and granted, it is a small part) but part of the reason i was so disappointed in not actually being pregnant a couple of weeks ago was that i figured if i were pregnant, i would have to stop running at this pace. if i have a baby - and i stop school to raise my child, that's okay in my mind. if i stop going to school because i decide it isn't for me - well, that's probably a cop out.
i was discussing this with a classmate earlier this week: what kind of a person am i? what do i value, what do i place the most importance on?
for me personally... i place the most importance on my husband and my family. school is easily tertiary to them. when i have kids - i know that my most important job will be to take care of them. at that point, having a phd or not doesn't matter, because i'll have a much more important 3 letters - m.o.m
so, if that's the case, then am i just biding my time til i get pregnant, and amusing myself with this cute little "hobby" that has swiftly become a HUMONGOUS pain in the arse?? am i no better than the girls who go to college simply to earn their "MRS" degree? am i wasting my time working on something which i have no intention of finishing?
the answer is - i don't know.
the plan, if i get to plan these types of things, which we all know i don't - but i digress... the plan, as it is right now, is for me to take 12 hours this summer, 12 in the fall, and 12 in the spring - thus completing my coursework in spring of 2010. then, alex and i will move back to Tulsa in june of '10 - and i will be pregnant at that time. i will have the baby, and when it is around 6 months old, i'll start work on the dissertation.
now, in a realistic situation where every one is being honest - do i even begin, let alone complete, a dissertation with an infant at home?
my gut reaction is - nope.
so, back to my question - that being the case... WHAT AM I DOING??
now - let's talk long term goal... were i to successfully earn the doctorate - what would i do with it? my answer to that question has been "i will either teach at the university level, or i will consult and actually make some money". were i to teach at the university level - there would have to be some strict caveats in place, such as - i would need to teach at a NON research university. i don't have any interest or desire to be in a cut-throat, competitive situation. i don't have any interest or desire to be required to publish articles in journals every semester. i don't have any interest or desire to put my husband or children on the back burner while i tend to my job. frankly - right now, i don't have any interest or desire to have a job at all. i just want to be a wife and a mom.
so now what?
g
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Psycho killer, qu'est ce que c'est Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Yeah Run run run run run run run away
This is because I haven't posted all week, and I don't have an original thought in my pea-sized brain right now.
I got a book called "all about me" for my birthday this year - and here are the questions and my responses from a section of it called "ego".
enjoy
Your three best qualities
1. caring
2. good cook
3. attention to detail
Your three worst qualities
1. self doubt
2. spend too much money
3. procrastinate
Of these three worst qualities, which one do you struggle with most frequently?
#3
Which of these three have you tried to change?
all of them!
Three words that describe how others see you:
1. motherly
2. sweet (thoughtful)
3. hard-working
Three words you would use to describe your ideal self:
1. organized
2. peaceful
3. pulled-together
Three things for which you are often complimented:
1. cooking
2. decorating (although I don't think I particularly have a knack for it)
3. friendship
Which of these three is most meaningful to you:
#3
A special compliment that made you blush:
I blush at all compliments
You are far better than most people you know at:
cooking
The animal that best describes you:
You are embarrassed when others:
are jerk-holes to another person in my presence
You are embarrassed when you:
put my foot in my mouth
Others are embarrassed when you:
see above! :)
The greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured:
oddly - when I had a puss-filled cyst on the side of my nail bed on my ring finger, and the doctor had to lance it.
The greatest amount of emotional pain you have ever endured:
oh, man... I can't answer this - because I can't choose.
Your proudest moment:
my wedding day
Someone who shared this moment with you:
everyone I love! :)
The moment you are most ashamed of:
New Orleans, New years eve, 2000.
Someone who shared this moment with you:
Laura, Phill, Amy
When discussing your career with others you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [x] understate [ ] be factual
When discussing your life with others, you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [ ] understate [x] be factual
When telling stories or relaying the details of your day, you tend to:
[x] exaggerate [ ] understate [ ] be factual
If you didn't have commitments to others, you would:
be sad
The number of drinks that constitutes your limit:
2
Your best physical feature:
my eyes
You have considered plastic surgery:
[x] yes [ ] no
I got a book called "all about me" for my birthday this year - and here are the questions and my responses from a section of it called "ego".
enjoy
Your three best qualities
1. caring
2. good cook
3. attention to detail
Your three worst qualities
1. self doubt
2. spend too much money
3. procrastinate
Of these three worst qualities, which one do you struggle with most frequently?
#3
Which of these three have you tried to change?
all of them!
Three words that describe how others see you:
1. motherly
2. sweet (thoughtful)
3. hard-working
Three words you would use to describe your ideal self:
1. organized
2. peaceful
3. pulled-together
Three things for which you are often complimented:
1. cooking
2. decorating (although I don't think I particularly have a knack for it)
3. friendship
Which of these three is most meaningful to you:
#3
A special compliment that made you blush:
I blush at all compliments
You are far better than most people you know at:
cooking
The animal that best describes you:
You are embarrassed when others:
are jerk-holes to another person in my presence
You are embarrassed when you:
put my foot in my mouth
Others are embarrassed when you:
see above! :)
The greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured:
oddly - when I had a puss-filled cyst on the side of my nail bed on my ring finger, and the doctor had to lance it.
The greatest amount of emotional pain you have ever endured:
oh, man... I can't answer this - because I can't choose.
Your proudest moment:
my wedding day
Someone who shared this moment with you:
everyone I love! :)
The moment you are most ashamed of:
New Orleans, New years eve, 2000.
Someone who shared this moment with you:
Laura, Phill, Amy
When discussing your career with others you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [x] understate [ ] be factual
When discussing your life with others, you tend to:
[ ] exaggerate [ ] understate [x] be factual
When telling stories or relaying the details of your day, you tend to:
[x] exaggerate [ ] understate [ ] be factual
If you didn't have commitments to others, you would:
be sad
The number of drinks that constitutes your limit:
2
Your best physical feature:
my eyes
You have considered plastic surgery:
[x] yes [ ] no
Monday, March 16, 2009
In my blood I feel the bubbles burst There was a flash of fist, an eyebrow burst You've a lazy laugh and a red white shirt
When I look at myself in the mirror – I see opportunity for improvement. Perhaps it’s because I see past the skin and bones, past the frizzy hair, and the out-of-control eyebrows, past the smeared make-up and the freckles… When I look at myself in the mirror, I see what’s possible.
I see myself as a mother. Hair in a ponytail everyday, dark circles under my eyes, wondering when the last “adult” conversation was that I had – and when the next one might be.
I see myself as a better version of me. A girl who isn’t shy in a crowd of strangers, (and in fact sees a crowd of strangers as a crowd of friends she hasn’t met yet) a girl who has her shit together enough to keep her house clean, her finances in order, and her foot from soaring directly into her mouth every chance it gets. A girl who knows when to cuss and drink, and when to whisper. I see myself as a girl who knows herself well, and won’t compromise on being who she is.
But when I allow my eyes to focus again on what is actually in front of them…
I see just me.
Shy at parties, foot residing in mouth, disorderly, financially dysfunctional me.
And that’s when I begin to notice the frizzy hair, and the freckles, and the eyebrows… That’s when I really see all the imperfections that combine to make me me.
I wish I could say that I’m grateful. I admire, and envy those people who can acknowledge their imperfections and say – “that’s just me, and that’s okay”.
I guess this is all to say, sometimes – I wish I were different.
-g
I see myself as a mother. Hair in a ponytail everyday, dark circles under my eyes, wondering when the last “adult” conversation was that I had – and when the next one might be.
I see myself as a better version of me. A girl who isn’t shy in a crowd of strangers, (and in fact sees a crowd of strangers as a crowd of friends she hasn’t met yet) a girl who has her shit together enough to keep her house clean, her finances in order, and her foot from soaring directly into her mouth every chance it gets. A girl who knows when to cuss and drink, and when to whisper. I see myself as a girl who knows herself well, and won’t compromise on being who she is.
But when I allow my eyes to focus again on what is actually in front of them…
I see just me.
Shy at parties, foot residing in mouth, disorderly, financially dysfunctional me.
And that’s when I begin to notice the frizzy hair, and the freckles, and the eyebrows… That’s when I really see all the imperfections that combine to make me me.
I wish I could say that I’m grateful. I admire, and envy those people who can acknowledge their imperfections and say – “that’s just me, and that’s okay”.
I guess this is all to say, sometimes – I wish I were different.
-g
Sunday, March 15, 2009
For the beauty of the earth, For the glory of the skies, For the love which from our birth Over and around us lies
Inaccurate!
I reread parts of my last post, and I have to say, there was a bit of inaccuracy. I am a person who is blessed with so many WONDERFUL girlfriends. That has not always been the case. When I was a younger girl, I tended to stick with males for friends. I felt that girls were too much drama, and definitely not to be trusted. (Which, at that time in my life, surrounded by the girls with whom I was surrounded, that was an apt assumption)
But since I've been an adult, (Ugh... let's use that word SPARINGLY) I have had some of the most wonderful, faithful, hilarious, and amazing girlfriends. I think that they deserve some recognition - because really, they are incredible people for whom I am thankful every single day of my life.
Laura. There aren't enough wonderful things to be said about her! And although we didn't start out being super close, we have ended up that way. She and I had a bit of a rough start - not that we disliked one another - but it took us some time to realize just how much we had in common. Once she and I did that - and for the 10 years since, we have been such wonderfully close friends. Laura is one of those people who knows my past and loves me anyway. She knows all of the awful, poor judgment, stupid, mean, thoughtless things I've done - and not only does she still think I'm a good person - she laughs with me about it, and helps me realize that it's all in the past - and has nothing to do with who I am today.
Angel. Almost the opposite of Laura, we were fast friends. Immediately we were besties, and now - thanks to time and distance, we aren't as close I still love her so much, and I know that were we to get the chance to sit down for coffee, we'd pick right up where we last left off without missing a beat. (How do I know this? Because we've done it more than once!)
Donna. Technically my aunt, not my friend - but the line blurs here. Donna and I have always been close, and she's always been a person I could tell anything to. She is not judge-y, and she offers really great advice, or if nothing else commiseration. I know I can depend on her to always be there to listen, laugh, cry, or whatever I need. So while she may technically be my aunt, she is more importantly my dear friend.
Marmee. No - it's not cheating. Look, my Mom and I are ridiculous. We've never really been like mother & daughter - we've always been more like sisters - and the older I get, the closer we get to just being plain old friends. We make each other laugh - we lean on each other for support in tough times... After Alex, she is the first person I call to tell news in all forms - good or bad. She's just an incredible person, and I love her!
Okay - this is getting stupid. I wanted to give props to all my girls, but this post is bordering on - well, actually, it's well-past - dull.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was that I have been blessed in my life with a variety of wonderful girlfriends - all of whom make me a better person everyday.
And for them, I am so very thankful.
-g out
I reread parts of my last post, and I have to say, there was a bit of inaccuracy. I am a person who is blessed with so many WONDERFUL girlfriends. That has not always been the case. When I was a younger girl, I tended to stick with males for friends. I felt that girls were too much drama, and definitely not to be trusted. (Which, at that time in my life, surrounded by the girls with whom I was surrounded, that was an apt assumption)
But since I've been an adult, (Ugh... let's use that word SPARINGLY) I have had some of the most wonderful, faithful, hilarious, and amazing girlfriends. I think that they deserve some recognition - because really, they are incredible people for whom I am thankful every single day of my life.
Laura. There aren't enough wonderful things to be said about her! And although we didn't start out being super close, we have ended up that way. She and I had a bit of a rough start - not that we disliked one another - but it took us some time to realize just how much we had in common. Once she and I did that - and for the 10 years since, we have been such wonderfully close friends. Laura is one of those people who knows my past and loves me anyway. She knows all of the awful, poor judgment, stupid, mean, thoughtless things I've done - and not only does she still think I'm a good person - she laughs with me about it, and helps me realize that it's all in the past - and has nothing to do with who I am today.
Angel. Almost the opposite of Laura, we were fast friends. Immediately we were besties, and now - thanks to time and distance, we aren't as close I still love her so much, and I know that were we to get the chance to sit down for coffee, we'd pick right up where we last left off without missing a beat. (How do I know this? Because we've done it more than once!)
Donna. Technically my aunt, not my friend - but the line blurs here. Donna and I have always been close, and she's always been a person I could tell anything to. She is not judge-y, and she offers really great advice, or if nothing else commiseration. I know I can depend on her to always be there to listen, laugh, cry, or whatever I need. So while she may technically be my aunt, she is more importantly my dear friend.
Marmee. No - it's not cheating. Look, my Mom and I are ridiculous. We've never really been like mother & daughter - we've always been more like sisters - and the older I get, the closer we get to just being plain old friends. We make each other laugh - we lean on each other for support in tough times... After Alex, she is the first person I call to tell news in all forms - good or bad. She's just an incredible person, and I love her!
Okay - this is getting stupid. I wanted to give props to all my girls, but this post is bordering on - well, actually, it's well-past - dull.
Sorry.
What I meant to say was that I have been blessed in my life with a variety of wonderful girlfriends - all of whom make me a better person everyday.
And for them, I am so very thankful.
-g out
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