This indecesion's buggin me If you don't want me set me free Exactly whom I'm supposed to be I don't know which clothes even fit me

Back to indecision.

Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.

I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.

I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?

To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?

These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.

The reasons to stop now

To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.

I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.

Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.

I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.

So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?

-g