Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice you've made it now

Rehearsal dinner was tonight for kakes. It was really nice. The ranch where the ceremony will be is really pretty. We had a good time, enjoyed some delicious food - and fantastic company!

I couldn't help but feel bad all night though. I didn't do anything to help set up for tonight's festivities. There were so many people helping, and I realize that if anything had needed to be done, kakes would have called me - and I'd have done whatever it was. But - I still feel like I should have done more. I was telling Alex that I was feeling bad, and he asked kakes if there were any more we could do. She said no, and that she'd really need a lot of help in October for her reception. And I'll be excited to help then, of course.

I think the problem is that she did so much for our wedding, she went SO FAR above and beyond - that I wanted to return the favor. She did everything... from keeping me calm to helping set up every step of the way. She was johnny on the spot from the second I asked her to be my maid of honor, till the morning after the wedding. She was the model maid of honor. I really think that were she to write a book about how to be a great maid of honor, she'd make millions. Everything she did was appropriate, well timed, needed, and appreciated.

Part of the problem also is that all of her friends (myself excluded) are just like her. She has 3 really close friends who have been there helping and setting up and plan, etc... PLUS - her 2 sisters, her mom, her mother-in-law... It's just a lot of people, ALL of whom absolutely adore kakes (because, really folks - kakes is AWESOME) and all of whom want to help her. Alex said it's a case of too many cooks in the kitchen.

Rationally, I know that there isn't anything more I realistically need to be doing. I just so wanted to be helpful to her. I've never had such a good girlfriend. She is so selfless, so adaptable, so... gah - she's just freakin great.

Anyhow, tomorrow is her wedding. It will be beautiful and fabulous. I know I'm going to cry, because it's really just too sweet the two of them. They are VERY well matched in every way, and being around them is honestly like being in the presence of true love. It makes me feel happy and hopeful. I like to think that we will be close friends forever, and our kids will grow up together, and they will see us as their parents so much in love, and so happy - that they will grow up to find relationships like ours are, and that will help to make the world a better place.

Ever the cockeyed optimist, I dare to dream. :)

In other news, I did do something QUITE out of character for me this evening... At one point, kakes' brother started playing the song "Falling Slowly" on his guitar. He was singing it quietly, and I was standing close by... For those of you who don't know the song, it's a duet with a man and a woman. Really beautiful harmony throughout the song. So, I was harmonizing with him. I don't think I was doing it loud enough for anyone really to hear, because no one seemed to notice. But I did it because I have a regret from 11 years ago that has haunted me all this time, and I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen again...

When I was living in France, I was always around a lot of international students. After our classes one day, a group of us were hanging around in the courtyard, and one guy had his guitar out. He was asking what bands people liked, and I said that The Beatles were (and still are, thank you!) my favorite. He started to play "Rocky Raccoon" and wanted me to sing with him. I should have. I knew the words, I love that song, and it would have been a great time if we were all singing, and being festive. But I clammed up like an idiot, and refused to sing. What 11 more years of being a person have taught me is that people enjoy the people who help a party (or social gathering) to be more fun. People like the extrovert who will mingle with people she doesn't know, and who will sing along with a piano or guitar when the opportunity arises. People like the person who is comfortable in her won skin enough to not be worried that she doesn't sing like a pop star - because if she did, she'd probably be one. We all just like normal every day people who unapologetic ally do what they do. People who aren't afraid to be themselves, and put themselves out there for everyone to see. That's the kind of person I'm always trying to allow myself to be. I honestly think that person is inside of me. I think I have the capacity to be outgoing and confident and witty - even when I'm not playing on my home turf. I just get in my own way about things - and who knows why.

Anyway, I saw my little attempt tonight as a step in the right direction. Albeit a small step, it was a step nonetheless. However, I definitely don't get any points for sticking to Alex's side for most of the night, and not really mingling with the people I don't know. I was a bit anti-social. I get overwhelmed at other people's family functions - because I don't want to be in the way, or to be in some one's spot who needs to be there more because they are family. Luckily, in this case, kakes and dave's families are super laid back and really sweet. And, with so few people in attendance at this wedding - I don't have to worry so much. I think tomorrow, I'll feel more relaxed.

Despite the sound of this post - I really did have a good time tonight. I'm just airing my own insecurities here - because this is a blog, and where else can one do those things?


gates out

PS

Kakes - when you read this, and I know you will... you are NOT allowed to feel bad about anything I've written. I'm just being ridiculous - but I needed a place to vent. I had a fantastic time, and I am really just so floored, and humbled to have been invited. You really are the most wonderful friend.

-g

Dressed up to the eyes It's a wonderful surprise To see your shoes and your spirits rise

Laundry day. I'm also planning to clean the house a bit. I had some pretty lofty goals of running errands, doing some schoolwork, as well as the laundry and house work. But it is cold & gray outside, and I'm feeling like it needs to be an inside day. Plus - I don't have many warm clothes these days aside from sweats. (And really, I'm probably too old to be scampering about town in my sweatpants, right?)

I felt really bad for Alex last night. He couldn't sleep. Sometimes, despite his sleep medicine, he just can't get there some nights. Meanwhile, I'm in there sleeping like a pro. That has to be so frustrating for him. I know he was up well past 4am, because I woke up at that point for about 40 seconds. (time enough to look at the clock, wrap the covers back around myself and snuggle back down into my pillow)

Yesterday was a rough and emotional day for both of us. Hopefully today will be better - and he will be able to get some good sleep tonight.

We are gearing up for the kakes & dave wedding extravaganza!!! We're both super excited for our dear friends. I know it's going to be a perfect day - exactly what kakes wants it to be... and I couldn't be happier for her. I know what it feels like to be so up in the air for so long, and to finally be hearing and doing the things you've waited so long for is so satisfying and validating. :) It's just good stuff!

Okay, kids... I think my laundry is dry - so it's off to the showers with me. Then, who knows?? Errands? Homework? TV? All is possible.

g

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands Good news will work its way to all them plans

Sometimes I feel like an impostor. Like I'm still just really a kid playing house. When I go to my doctors and discuss things like trying to get pregnant, I'm always anticipating them saying "honey, you're too young", or "that's something grown-ups do". Now, none of them has ever said anything even remotely close to that. Let's check the facts... I'm 31, married, well-educated, and stable. (ok, yes - I agree we should use "stable" sparingly when describing me... :) Noted)

So, when my period was late last week - I began to wonder, and hope (and, admittedly plan) that I might be pregnant. Helping this idea along was the fact that I was nauseous and experiencing a bit of insomnia. (which for me is very weird. seriously, I sleep better than any human has a right to. when it's time for bed, I lay down and close my eyes, and am asleep in under 3 minutes. Alex is so annoyed by that fact - and rightly so - because he has a horrible time falling asleep and has to take medicine to help him... but not me. sawing logs in under 5 minutes since 1978) I felt reasonably sure that I might be pregnant. And I was excited. I took a couple (read: 5) pregnancy tests, though, and they all came out negative. Not to be discouraged - I decided that when I went to the doctor today, I would ask her to give me a blood pregnancy test in addition to the other blood tests she was already doing. And she obliged. And it was negative too.

So here I sit. Now a week and a half late on my period and not pregnant.

To say I'm disappointed doesn't quite express the true weight of how I'm feeling. Not that I have reason to, but I'm also feeling embarrassed and guilty - like I did something wrong, and that's why I'm not pregnant. When the doctor called with the test result, I went into the bedroom, and told Alex. I cried. Then I fell asleep and slept hard. Really hard. Sometimes the emotions are so raw and real that it exhausts you, and that - I'm guessing - was what happened to me today.

Trying to get pregnant, I'm learning, is a lonely road. Because of outcomes like today (or worse ones where you ARE pregnant, and then you lose the baby) you don't tell people - except your Mom, husband, and perhaps an aunt and cousin you were with in California - that you think you might be pregnant. It's hard enough to tell that small group of people that you were wrong. I was wrong. No baby in there. Just some confused ovaries.

The upshot is - we're not to the expensive part of this journey yet. We aren't paying for IVF, or anything crazy... We're just going after this goal the old fashioned way. So - really nothing is lost. Plus, Alex is excited about keeping pace on this whole "trying" business.

Which is, at times, trying.

Keeping at it.

-g

Where are you off to today with your books and all their truths? do you find within their pages what we must not lose?

greetings friends!

Today officially kicked off my spring break, and as you would expect - I'm heading to Daytona to party rock-star style in my bikini while I do keg stands and hook up with random frat guys.

reality translation: Today officially kicked off my spring break, and as you would expect - I'm heading to the library to try to catch up on all this work I have to do in my comfiest sweatpants while I drink far too much caffeine and wish I were doing something more photo worthy.

Funny story. My Mom is spending the night at our house tonight because she has a meeting out here in the morning. So - I made dinner, and the three of us have been entertaining ourselves on our laptops, when I decided I had a sweet tooth. I baked a cake (out of the box, but hey - it was better than sucking chocolate syrup from the bottle). Once the cake was ready to eat, we all paused our typing for a dessert break. Alex, being the sweet husband that he is, cleared the table and as he was doing so, I asked him to please cover the cake with the Press 'n Seal. First, he tried to cover the cake with the cling wrap - which never works exactly how one hopes... I told him the Press 'n Seal would be easier. Mom and I resumed our conversation and all of the sudden heard a crash. When I turned around, the cake was on the floor, and Alex had the Press 'n Seal box in one hand, and a small sheet of it in the other hand, and a PRICELESS look on his face!

Really it's for the best. Three pieces of cake from a package that probably cost $1.50 is value - PLUS, now I won't be sneaking into the kitchen for nibbles of cake every hour. :) So, really Alex sacrificed his enjoyment of "chocolate cake for breakfast day" for the sake of my waistline. Told you he was a good husband!

I played a video game with Alex tonight. He is always wanting me to, and to be honest - I am always hesitant because... well, frankly I suck at most video games. But tonight, we played Peggle - which I had never heard of, let alone played. It was really fun though to be competitive about something so low stakes, and to just be relaxing with my guy.

I can't decide if I feel like tomorrow actually is one of the "work" days I've been talking about having over spring break. Part of me says that I should work tomorrow and Friday, and then maybe I can have some time at the end of spring break to loaf about. Then the other part of me says LOAF NOW, WORK LATER.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to have my blood tested. They're looking for my hormone levels and my thyroid levels. I'm looking for a nurse with a good hand who can get in, get the blood, and get out without having to stick me more than once. :) My needs are few, but crucial.

Anyway, my thought is that I will put in 6-8 hour work days over break. That should HOPEFULLY give me a chance to catch up on my own classwork. I have 2 weeks after spring break to also catch up on my grading, since my students will be in the field - and therefore not in class. So, right now - my own work is paramount. It gets the #1 position on the list of things that I cannot ignore right now.

Okay, technically #2. Right behind SLEEP!!

g

Surface slowly at your own speed waiting for some sky. We're all laughing, we're all faking just to see you smile.

I'm in class. Model student! Yep! That's me.

It's an educational sociology class. It's really interesting most nights. And it's mildly interesting tonight, but I'm having a hard time focusing. Also I am sleepy. So, I need to entertain my brain for at least a few minutes.

Spring break is next week. It used to be something I so looked forward to - SPRING BREAK WAHOOOOOOOO!!!!!! A week of fun travel, or relaxing on the couch watching Bob Barker every day. This year - it's 8 hour work days in the library, because I am SO behind. And I am a big enough nerd that I'm actually looking forward to having the time to catch up on my schoolwork.

But before that - I'm so looking forward to kakes' wedding!! I love that we totally bonded over our 5+ year ringless relationships. I remember eating peanut butter popsicles (actually just peanut butter on a spoon) in my classroom and talking about our frustrations. We weren't sure our boyfriends at the time were ever going to want to be married. And now look at us!! 2 fantastically happy married (almost) women who are in two of the best relationships I've ever seen. Our marriages are going to last. We have tested our relationships with years and years of getting to really know one another, and being in love, and being frustrated, and being happy, and being sad, and just being together.

I am so proud of us. I feel like so many marriages are the result of whirlwind romances and impulse. Not that a marriage with that kind of genesis can't succeed... But they really don't tend to.

I know - I actually 100% know - that I will be married to Alex until one of us passes away. I know that he and I will be a great example for our children. We will always communicate well, we will always choose each other first, and we will laugh together everyday. I see other men that I find attractive, and my mind occasionally begins to wander down the "what if" road - but it ALWAYS stops when I realize that were I to pursue another man, it would mean I would have to not be with Alex. And that STOPS THE PROCESS. I do not want to ever be without him. Ever.

Okay. Enough preachy preachy. Break time in class. I can focus on that.

g out

Will I catch the moon Like a bird in a cage It's for you I swoon I'm always in love

Sitting in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport waiting for my flight back to OKC.

It was a great weekend! The Beggar's Opera (at USC) was fantastic! My cousin is crazy funny & talented - and his classmates (fellow cast members) are talented and very sweet!

The weekend was a whirlwind! First - my flight out of OKC was to have departed at 6:30am was CANCELED. The airline called me at 2:30am to let me know, and tried to re-accommodate me on a flight that was to arrive in LA at 8pm... TOO LATE to see Nicky's show! After some time on the phone, at 3:15am - I had to wake Alex & leave for the airport to catch my new flight which was to leave OKC at 5:35am!! I wound up having to connect through Atlanta. (For all of you who fly ever... THE FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO LOS ANGELES IS BRUTAL!) Five hours long! Naturally, I was in the middle of the middle - so for 5 hours I was smushed in between a guy who was snotting and coughing all over the place, and a woman who was afraid to get her outfit wrinkled.

But I made it to LA by noon. Picked up my Grandmother (who flew in from Chicago) and was supposed to pick up my Aunt and other cousin - but they had missed their flight out of North Carolina, so they didn't arrive until 4.

Then once we were all at the hotel - we had to QUICK change & dress to go to dinner and Nicky's show. (which was great)

The next day - I wasn't feeling so hot, so Gram, Donna, & Manny went to a movie and I stayed at the hotel feeling puny & slept. Then - back out to dinner & Nicky's show again. (which was even better than the first time)

Sunday was relaxing. We went to the LA zoo and then took Nick to dinner at CPK for his birthday. It was great - we had so much fun! Back at the hotel - Donna, Nick, and I stayed up talking until after 1am. Wake up call was at 4:15. Am I hurting much? Um... yeah.

I am going to board a plane (a really small and COMPLETELY full one) to go home, and once there - I will be picked up by my sweetheart husband - and taken to my 4:25pm class at OU. (We are all keeping our fingers crossed that I make it there on time!)

Current time - 1:30
Original departure time - 12:55pm
Let's see how it goes.

gates out

'Cause every time I hear that melody, well, puts me up a tree,

**back post**

entry written 3.5.09

I leave in the morning for LA. I’m going to see my cousin (read: baby brother)in the USC production of The Beggar’s Opera. I’m really excited to be going, because I will also be seeing my 2 of my aunts and my grandma, and a few of my other cousins. I love being with my family.

I’ve always considered myself to be a family girl first and foremost. Like, if it were up to me, I would honestly have family reunions every summer. Only without the attitudes that my family tends to get. They get grouchy about spending their money to travel to whatever destination, and they get grouchy about spending time together – all the while they say that they want to be a close family, and that they want to spend time together.

I don’t understand it. Although my family is definitely strange. The dynamics in my family are certainly strange under the best of circumstances. My cousin, for example, dropping out of my wedding 2 months before it was scheduled to happen, and then the week of the wedding, deciding that her husband & sons wouldn’t be coming. I don’t understand her. Why can’t she be more selfless? Now – were I to confront her about it, she would say that she was being selfless by coming at all. Because the story she told me was that her husband lost her job – and they couldn’t afford to come. The problem is that the story doesn’t hold water according to what the rest of the family knows.

Maybe I’m just being overly judgmental. I’m sure she has her family priorities in place – and that she did what was best for them. And I have to realize that my wedding isn’t necessarily a priority for every person in my family. I guess, the bottom line is that I was disappointed that it wasn’t a bigger deal for her.

The impression that I get

Sometimes I wonder about myself as a teacher. I think I teach much like I am a student. I rely on my quickness to get me through. Do I read all of the assigned text? Sadly, no. Do I grade every assignment I make? Nope. Why? Well – I find that I don’t have the time to do these things. By the time I have created a lesson plan, and gotten in front of a group of students – I have run out of the time to deeply read and grade. I marvel at my professors. If they have these same issues – they do a very good job covering them up! I get back papers with insightful comments – and helpful suggestions. I attend classes in which the conversation is rich and layered – designed specifically to make me think more and more deeply about that which I was supposed to have read.


At least now, in my graduate work, I am more likely to have read the selections than I was during my undergrad. Admittedly – I skated by all through high school and college on my ability to gather what happened in the reading from the comments of my classmates – and then make my own comments accordingly.
Is this an indication that I am smart? I don’t know. I think it’s more an indication that I’ve been lucky. To not have been exposed so far is a miracle. How did my 8th graders not know that Treasure Island was too boring even for me to have read? Of course if I could have been honest with them, I would have told them that Treasure Island was not my idea – and were it up to me, they wouldn’t have had to read it. But the fact of the matter is – I required them to read it, write about it, take tests over it…

But I was unwilling to do the same.

So – what kind of a teacher does that make me? A lazy one? A scared one? I bad one?

Maybe just one who works on a blog post while her students work on classwork.

*sigh*

I see a mansford roof through the trees

Well, well, well.

Pneumonia.

The doctors said if I didn't get my protein early on - I could wind up with pneumonia. Did I believe them? Nah.

But now, here I am.

I didn't go to class last night. Largely because I didn't want to - but also because my professor is older - and I shouldn't expose people to this if at all possible. I'm not sure if I'm going to both of my classes tonight or not. I do have to go to my 7pm class. It's not one I have the luxury of missing.

I also have to teach in the morning. My Wednesday class is SO far behind - and I can't put them any further back.

So - what did I do with my evening off sick?

Laundry. TV - although I got pissed because we were DVR-ing shows last night, so I couldn't watch TV in the living room & had to settle for the office and the uncomfy couch instead. SO not as good as my super huge comfy chair & blanket set up I have out here.

It's strange - I know most people probably do this, and just don't talk about it - but whenever I am faced with a new situation, I play out the scenarios in my mind. For example - when I learned yesterday that I have pneumonia, my mind became a factory of "what if" scenarios. In one, I was hospitalized and had to medically withdraw from school... it was SUPER melodramatic. There was the whole IV, and heart monitor beeping in the background. And - the masochist in me almost roots for that kind of scenario. I've never understood why. But whenever I am sick, I almost cheer the illness on. Maybe it's an attention thing, like - if I'm sick, I know I get attention - and so I want to be sicker, longer... But I can honestly say that the very small, but present "rational" part of my brain is screaming "ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!? YOU ARE MISERABLE NOW, AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE ANY SICKER FOR ANY LONGER!" and then I return to reality pretty quickly after that.

See - you never had any idea about how truly weird I am.

I'm really just hoping that after I start the antibiotics - I feel quickly better so I can still go to LA this weekend. I would hate to miss out on that trip. (Mostly because it was the bargain of the century... I mean, $234 round trip including tax???)

Perhaps a nap will help toward that end.

Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you

This morning, I woke up hacking up a large and disgusting ball of phleghm from the depths of my lungs. I know it came from there due to it's.... (wait - this is really gross, and you probably don't want to know any more details about it, do you?)

Let me start over.

This morning I woke coughing. It was most unpleasant, and I am now acutely aware that I currently have a sinus infection. Have made yet another doctors appointment for tomorrow, which was the earliest I could get in. Now, my day will unfold before me....

Will I be able to concentrate long enough to complete my assignments due in class today at 4? Will I be able to do any laundry so I don't have to attend the afforementioned class in my pajamas? Will I even attempt to attend said class to begin with?

All good questions, friends. To which I have no answers.

Let's go see what's for breakfast.

her name was McGill, and she called herself "Lil", but everyone knew her as Nancy

Well, here I am.

Married to the man I love.

Pursuing the degree in the field I love.

Actively trying (although not at this exact moment) to conceive a child.

Completely happy? Blissful even??

Well - I'm close.

Aside from the fact that I've been on this pattern of sick for 5 days, well for 2 - for the last 4 weeks now... And that having affected my school work ever so slightly (read: I'm WAY behind), all is going swimmingly.

I'm a little in danger of taking on more than I can chew again at work. I've just taken the position of Research Assistant for my boss - a 10 hour addition to my weekly work schedule in which I will be in some schools in rural Oklahoma taking field notes. Now, the good news about all of that is that I will be included as an author on the forthcoming paper (which is a big deal) and I will ALSO get to go and present this paper with the team in December at the NRC. (National Reading Conference.. Big deal in my field)

I'm also a facebook fiend, and joining up with the Twitteratti...

Yeah - I'm THAT cool.

In other (read: not about me) news... One of my besties is getting married! Super excited about kakes' upcoming nuptuals!! We had a festive, debaucherous, and flat out fantastic time at her bachelorette party this weekend. Pin the "macho" on the "man" (read: Aiden)... A rice krispie treat member fashioning contest... Risque pictionary... Plus all the other fun and racy things we girls do when we get together. (And, no... for any men out there, that does NOT include a pillow fight in our panties, or ANY sort of orgy in or out of the jacuzzi tub) <- Did I get those questions from any men in my life. *sigh* yes.

Alex (my husband) :) is doing really well in school. He made it unscathed through his first semester of his master's degree. I couldn't be prouder of him. Not only is he taking 9 hours this term, but he works out every day. EVERY DAY. I do not have that kind of commitment. I would like to - but, ehem... this part isn't supposed to be about me.

Anyway - Alex has been doing all kinds of great things for this world recently. His Grandpa had quadruple bypass surgery in January, and Alex committed to being his workout buddy. So everyday, Alex calls him and says that it's time to work out... Grandpa goes and walks around his house, and Alex hits the treadmill. How cute is my husband, I ask you?!?

How was the wedding?

It was the most perfect day I've ever spent. Relaxing at the begining, surrounded by my closest friends and family. Exciting at the middle, and romantic during the ceremony... The dinner, the dancing, the friendship & fun... It truly couldn't have been better.

The honeymoon - to El Dorado Royale on Riviera Maya in Mexico was SUPER awesome. Drinks brought to us to our private palapa on the beach, AMAZING food, we literally layzed about having 24 hour room service brought to us in our suite, on the beach, etc... we did go out one day snorkeling and Alex got to ride on a spinacher (sp?). Otherwise, it was SUPER relaxing and romantic. The perfect honeymoon in my humble opinion.

When we got home, we had a pile of laundry over 4 feet high. It was intimidating, but I powered through it - and am now working on recreating that act of genius.

Okay. As requested by my known audience of 1... I will do my best to update more frequently. I make no guarantees.

Tired and more tired

yawn

I was sick earlier this week. So much so that I missed class on Monday evening, and on Tuesday evening as well. I hate having to miss class! I get this sick satisfaction from having perfect attendance. :( But that won't happen this semester.

It was a yucky situation involving vomit that no one would want to hear about in great detail. Suffice it to say, I felt like poo, and now I feel better.

Except that I'm sleepy. Being sick takes a lot out of a person, you know?

Also - I have to apologize to you, Kakes... I shouldn't have told you about the Etsy. It's like I've turned you on to Meth - and I have to take responsibility for that. I might even need to suffer some dire consequences. (like finishing reading book 4 for example?) ;)

Almost 10! I think I can justify the getting ready for bed process beginning right about.........

now

-b

hey blue, here is a shell for you

don't know why i'm feeling off today. yesterday too. i'm just not comfortable in my skin, in my head, my house, etc...

alex is picking up on it - and because he's so sweet, he's feeling guilty - and hoping that he isn't the cause. he's not. i don't honestly know what is the cause. probably - it's just stress. but i am rather stressed also about my weight loss. i've stalled out yet again, and i'm getting really frustrated again. it seems like i only loose the week after a fill, and then i'm stuck in neutral for the other three weeks.

it sucks.

i've been trying all day to clean up this house. i'm so tired of having to step around piles of crap all the time. boxes from our move, suitcases from trips, dirty laundry, books, aaaaaackkkkkkk! but each time i get one or two things accomplished - i loose steam, and i stop working. i haven't touched my laundry yet - and my bathroom is a disaster. but i really wanted to get the living room/dining room/kitchen area cleaned, since those are the common rooms. we'll see if tomorrow morning brings new motivation to work.

also - i'm tired of all the reading i've been doing for my young adult literature class. it was fun at first - but now, i'm really not in the mood to read a bunch more books. there were seventeen required titles, ten outside reading choices, 2 text books, and 1 literature circle choice. although i'm enjoying the class, i really think that 30 required books for any one class is beyond excessive.

i'm ready for this semester to be over. i'm ready for the wedding. i'm ready for the honeymoon. honestly, i'm ready to be done with my phd, and to move back to tulsa.

i'm just bleah...

Not only survived... Excelled

So - when I left you, I was still starting on my Masters, starting being a teacher, and starting to live with Alex...

Well - now, I'm in my PhD program (having earned a 4.0 in my Masters) have 3 years teaching experience, and am engaged to marry Alex in about 2 1/2 months.

I am a person who accomplishes that which she sets out to accomplish.

I have to write that, so when I look back at this, I can remember that I am a person who accomplishes that which she sets out to accomplish. I am. So, the next time I'm feeling like I'm going to fail at something, or that I won't be accepted for some reason, I just need to remind myself of all I've succeeded with - and all I am capable of.

Enough of the back-patting. I am sitting, currently, at my usual spot in Collings Hall at OU waiting for my evening class to begin. On Tuesday and Thursday nights, I'm in class until after 10pm. My schedule this semester is nothing short of impossible, but I'm midway through - and not dead yet... So onward!

The wedding... Well, it's going to be perfect. Despite all the drama that has come up, or will come up - I know that I will look beautiful, Alex will look handsome, and we will make our vows to one another in front of our loved ones, and in front of God. Unfortunately, Mom may wind up divorced before that happens. I am reasonably sure that she will have dissolved her very crumbly marriage long before Thanksgiving arrives. It makes me sad for her - because I don't want to see her alone. But she truly thinks that alone is the best way for her to be. Well - not completely alone, I'm sure she'll date - but she is not interested in marrying again. And who can blame her.

More soon...

-a

I'm back!

Okay - it's time to start blogging again. Now that I have no students under the age of 18 - I feel like I can return to the realm of the blogosphere.

Look for new and improved posts - much hilarity - and many many more mishaps!!

-a

Blogger's done for me.

Sorry. I tried. But I'm done with the blogspot.

I've got a myspace.

See you there.

"Amber, why are you awake so early?"

Well, that's an excellent question. It can be answered by a cliche... "Guilt is an extremely good motivator". Ya see - my nephew is visiting his mother this week - he from Memphis - and she living in Missouri. Naturally, when he is within a 2 hour drive as opposed to a 9 hour drive, I want to make the effort to see him. So I arranged to go pick him up today, bring him to Tulsa so my mom and I could see him, then share with my dad - and let dad take him back.

Here's where the guilt comes in... I have 2 other nephews who - admittedly - I haven't really been involved with their lives. I also have a niece. I am less involved with her life now than I was when she was a baby, but she is 13 - and can understand easier why I am more distant. In any case my other 2 nephews each have a football game today. One beginning at 9am. And my sister - bless her - has made me feel so guilty for not going up there more often - that I set my alarm for 6am, and I am giving my Saturday to the Guilt Gods in the hopes that I can feel good about myself as an auntie once again.

Did I mention I wrecked my car yesterday? a $600 screw up provided by yours truely.

Also - are any of you secretly wealthy? I need about $35,000. I really don't even know how to begin to get that kind of money. *Sigh*

Maybe next year

:(

They lost.

It wasn't a blow-out, but my Sooners lost. And the Texas quarterback was good. Not good. REALLY GOOD. It's going to be a long stretch of years while he is in charge.

In other news - I'm having my first cold of the season. Sore throat, stuffy nose, congested head and chest. Good times. PS - Tylenol has these cold medicine pills that they put flavor on the coating. Why they would do this is beyond me. When you are sick enough to have to take cold medicine, the last thing you want is a funky taste in the back of your throat. But that's what you get. Cool Burst in the daytime package, and Berry Burst in the nighttime package. I actually in my fuzzy headed state last night wondered whether I was supposed to chew or swallow the damn things. In short - they're gross, and they don't work as well as NyQuil. So don't waste your money.

Today is Sunday, and I've enjoyed a leisurly morning. I got up - cleaned a little bit, then had coffee and read the paper. After being defeated by the crossword - I logged online, and decided to post on my little blog here.

I know I've said it before - but I'm not sure how much longer I'll continue the blog. Or maybe I'll move it. I know it doesn't have my name on it really - but Travis (one of the teachers at my school) just had his Myspace vandalized by a kid. Well - vandalized isn't the best word. The kid got on there, and sent him a myspace email message with a VERY ugly content. I really don't want any of my kids on here. Not that I think any of them would write something ugly. I actually think that the vast majority of my kids like me. But I wouldn't want them to know as much personal stuff about me as what I write here. And I also wouldn't want to censor myself. So - I guess you could say I am at a crossroads. And I don't want to switch to blogging on Myspace because 90% of the time, I can't get the blog feature to actually function on there.

We'll see what I come up with.

My candle business is getting of to a shaky, but much more sure start now. I'm hosting a debut show at my house on Oct. 21. If you live in the area, and would like to attend, please email me. :) I'd be happy for ANYONE who is interested to attend. :)

Out for now.

It's 9:06pm

...and Texas still SUCKS!!!

And no matter the outcome of the game tomorrow - THEY WILL STILL SUCK. :)

Oh, the hate... It runs deep. And it's real.

Naturally, I'm hoping for my guys in Crimson and Cream to come out with a victory.

I'm sure that they can.

I'm watching Law & Order right now. Just wanted to check in.

oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before

HAPPY OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall. My favorite season. Okay - really fall and winter are tied for first place in my mind. But right now, I'm ready for some pretty foliage, and fires in the fireplace. And pumpkins!

Not so much ready for grading papers - although that comes with the territory of Fall. We'll see if I can fit that into my schedule for today. If I don't, I don't. :)

T minus six days to OU/saxet. (one of the first things one learns as an OU student is how to spell the word "Texas" upsidedown and backwards)

I'm not sure it's going to be a fun turnout - but still, I can always get up for OU/saxet. Even in the John Blake years.

It's been a stressful week for me. With the planning and preparing for this Dry Gulch camp thing at work - I've been one busy girl who has seen more of her classroom than her living room. I was so distracted and stressed out on Wednesday morning, that I actually fell down. Not just tripped and sort of fell, but full-out, sprawled out on the ground, crying on the floor, rugburn on my knee, fell down. It hurt both my feelings, and my body. Then, upon arrival to work that morning, the wind slammed my car door shut on my back. It was shaping up to be one of THOSEdays. Miraculously, I lived through it pretty much unscathed, and unscarred.

On my way to dishes, laundry, and grading papers. Doesn't sound like a relaxing Sunday - but it's the closest I'm gonna get.