getting better all the time

the first three days of this Vegan lifestyle were - I'm not going to lie - BRUTAL!

a) I didn't feel good. that's an understatement, really - i felt HORRIBLE

b) I didn't like the food. any of it. it took more than an hour to make each recipe (excluding the smoothies), and then the result was DISGUSTING. I even threw up one of the dinners. just gross.

c) my husband didn't like any of this either. and he didn't feel good either. and that made for a not fun home environment.

he still doesn't feel good. i guess his body is having a harder time flushing out the toxins? who knows?? but I am MERCIFULLY feeling better. I don't feel like I could run a marathon or anything - but I feel like a human again. and that is a giant improvement.

also?

husband has a friend following this lifestyle who recommended another cookbook - she said the ETL cookbook recipes were yucky and too involved (just like we experienced), so she recommended the Engine2 website, and the China Study cookbook.

hubs bought the China Study cookbook for me - and it looks MUCH better. I'm off to whole foods in a few minutes to see about getting some ingredients for these recipes. I've also decided that I don't need to magically start liking all these foreign veggies that I've never liked before. collard greens? no thank you! kale? maybe one day - but for now, It's going to be better to stick with those veggies with which I'm familiar and I know I like.

more to come. including results from the first 7 days in losses (I hope!)

today sucked it.

I did not like ANY of the food I put in my mouth today.

Dinner was so bad, neither of us could eat it. We threw it out.

Instead we ate baby carrots, cantaloupe, and walnuts.

Frankly, I didn't even want to eat that much. I just want to go to bed. In fact, I've already brushed my teeth and am in bed.

and it's eight o'clock.

day one - withdrawal city

I am so angry - I just want to punch things and then I want to climb in my bed and sleep until this withdrawal period is over.

I honestly thought, when reading the book, that I wouldn't have a withdrawal issue. I guessed a little caffeine headache maybe, but my body is pretty much screaming. I am prickly and mad, and I just want to sleep.

I have snapped at my kids more than once today.

I am not a good mommy today. Not even a good person.

I am a ball of rage and crankiness.

and i haven't been the biggest fan of the food today. I put too much spinach in the smoothie this morning, and the lunch (roasted mushroom with red peppers on a pita) wasn't a high note for my day.

To top it all off, my 3 1/2 year old has decided not to nap today. So she's in her room making A LOT of noise - and if she wakes her little brother from his nap, I may well loose my shit.

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of my brain is saying "this isn't the time for this diet!! do it when they're in school and you can detox all on your own" and the other part is saying, "we're in it... let's not go back, let's power through".

despite the thunderstorm in my head - right now I'm choosing the "power through" option. because even in my withdrawal addled state, I'm pretty certain it's the right choice.

but I'm angry.

and cranky.

and I don't want to do this anymore.

starting again

blogging again. not a sign of anything other than I'm attempting to change my current lifestyle, and I think that recording it in some fashion might just be entertaining as hell. for future me, and my audience of 3 readers (hi everyone!).

tomorrow - i'm going to stop eating in accordance to what I've always been taught is a "healthy" diet. based on lots of protein from animal products, etc... whole grains, olive oil...

tomorrow - i'm going to start eating a nutritarian diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and legumes. no salt, sugar, caffeine, animal products, oils...

at first? this sounded like zero fun, and a horrible, drastic, dramatic, crazy plan. too crazy - a complete overhaul of my kitchen, my diet, my life! all because my sweet husband wanted to try this plan. so - I acquiesced to read the book. Eat to Live.

I'll post all my measurements and weight at some point (when I'm feeling braver and also when I've had some success so I can say "wow! look how horribly unhealthy I was")...

for now, suffice it to say that I'm overweight (this suprises no one), I've been overweight my whole life. (well, since I was about 7) and I am hopeful that I can find a way to become a more healthy individual for my sake, my husband's sake, and the sake of our two beautiful children.

but don't be completely fooled... I'm scared that this, too, will be unworkable - like many that have come before. I think that line of thought might be my subconscious trying to give me permission to fail. I really don't want it. I want to be successful. I want to be healthy and active. I want to run out in the backyard with my kids instead of sitting my ass in a chair and wishing I were inside and comfortable. I want to be comfortable in my clothes. I never really have been. I know that lots of people throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and they are completely comfortable. I am always worried about my stomach jutting out over my waistband. I'm ready to be at ease in my skin. I'm ready to be a good role model for my family. I'm ready to stop living a toxic life under the guise of normalcy.

I'm ready.

I think.

however, all this having been said - I did just down a hershey bar at warp speed. there's no stopping me, folks. I'm a mess to be reckoned with. :)