But they could go off and hit the road and what would I care? I like going nowhere, I got the reigns, courage I was made of.

'ello, 'ello.

Busy week.

We're getting into the last month of the semester (simultaneous YAY, and YIKE... makes it YAYKE) I have 3 ten page papers and a 20 page paper due starting April 21, and going through May 6. It's a little daunting, but I've at least started the research for them, which is HUGE progress for a procrastinator like me. My normal MO is to wait until the night before something is due - and then decide what I'll write about, do a cursory bit of thin research, and wing it. (and to think, I've gotten all the way through a master's degree with that kind of crap!) But this year - I just can't get away with that, and so - I'm becoming more like a real student, and less like a ridiculous immature Kewpie doll pretending to be a student. (you know, something like Astrophysicist Barbie where the only thing that makes me a student is my outfit, glasses, and the fact that my hair is in a bun)

So - we are taking a moment to be proud of me for this. Also considering that both Wednesday and Thursday this week, I spend 3 hours working in the library on the aforementioned research. (what? I'm telling you how smart and scholarly I am, and you're gonna give me crap about using the word "aforementioned"??)

Now - where we aren't so proud is on my personal issues front. This whole being deflated business is for the birds. I keep gaining weight. Not catastrophic amounts, but I'm used to losing. And I am petrified of gaining. After losing 70 pounds, one does not want to see any gain-age. The solution is hopefully the gym. Alex and I are going to go to our potential new gym today and make sure we feel comfortable there and like it before we pay for it. I think that we will. My friend Mel called me last night after I sent her a "cry for help" email about all of this. Her recommendation is definitely to hire a trainer. This gym has trainers - and you get a fitness evaluation and three free sessions with a trainer to get you set up on a program. I don't remember how much per session it is after that... But according to Mel, it's WAY worth it and borders on necessary. (in fact, I think her vote is that it's not only necessary, but essential - and I see her point. If I have an appointment with someone, I'm going to go. But if it's just "I need to go to the gym and workout today" I can easily break that appointment in favor of doing other important things.) (and - that's valid... because I do have a TON of important things I have to be doing, like research, write papers, grade papers, teach, create lessons, observe students, research, do laundry, clean my house, spend time with my husband, etc...)

Anyway - all these weight loss shows and books and magazines and talk shows and blogs ad nauseum say that the key is to make exercise a non-negotiable. I think in order to make that switch in my own head - I need to force myself to do it until I start to see positive results. At that point, I should be able to justify it enough to myself that I am able to say "this is not up for discussion, I'm going to work out". I think that is the biggest key to the Biggest Loser paradigm. Those people are forced to work out 6-8 hours a day. So it's no wonder they lose 100+ pounds in 4 months. And they experience such a huge benefit from it - and are able to transfer addiction from food to working out - and so they are able to continue the success at home. I think that it's at the same time amazing and awesome, and detrimental to people who sit at home watching, morbidly obese - and unable to work out 6-8 hours a day, and they don't have the support of their families, and they feel more and more hopeless. I always worry when I watch that show (I divo it - that's generic tivo) that there is a girl a lot like me who has not lost any weight, and is in fact gaining weight, sitting watching the show and feeling guilty, and beating herself up because she can't seem to get her act together and lose her weight. I picture her full of resolve after watching the first couple of episodes, and making deals with herself that she's going to lose weight with these people. But by the 3rd episode, she hasn't lost a pound, and she's feeling bad... By the 5th episode, she's eating pizza while she watches and by this point in the season (week 14) she's eating a whole pizza plus a package of oreos and a 2 liter of coke in the duration of the 2 hour episode, then rolling around on her living room floor in pain and a puddle of self-loathing after she watches the weigh-ins and realizes that she's put on 14 pounds in 14 weeks, while these people have lost 100s. Why do I picture this girl? Because that was me. I never watched the biggest loser before this season, but I am sure I watched some other show while I punished myself for not being able to lose weight.

It's a lonely lonely world when you are as big as I was. Chairs are scary - because they might not hold you. Planes, buses, theatre seats - all uncomfortable and mean. In any restaurant, people cast judgmental glances as they watch you eat, no matter if you're eating a salad or a cheeseburger. The grocery store is another place where people glance in your cart, and then shoot you disapproving glares if you have anything in there that is considered "unhealthy". Entering a gym at that weight is awful, because you have the people who look at you with the "yeah - you need to be here, fatty" glare, and the people who look at you with pity in their eyes. And you don't want any of it. You don't want people to look at you and see only your weight. You wan them to look at you and see you. Many people haven't heard this story - but my Dad's wife once described me to her son as "She's real big". She did not tell him I had dark, curly hair, or what I'd be wearing, or that I had dark skin. Hell - she could have told him I was Mexican, or ethnic, and I would have been less offended. But the only descriptor she gave him was that I was real big. I was. But I was still a person. And her husband's daughter for crying out loud. I should have been described in a non-dehumanizing way. But I was instead reduced to being described by my weight. And that is precisely what happens to overweight people. They are defined by their midsections, and not by the content of their character. And that is partly because a lot of people decide before they even get to know an over weight person, that they are fat because they are lazy. What I want to say to people like that is, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE SO OVERWEIGHT THAT YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL (MEDICAL) INTERVENTION. IT IS PAINFUL, AWFUL, EMBARRASSING, DEHUMANIZING, AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL - AND YOUR SITTING PASSING JUDGMENT ABOUT SOMETHING YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MAKES IT THAT MUCH WORSE, ASSHOLE!

In my Sociology class, we learned about the Stanford Prison experiment - briefly, it was where a group of college men were divided into prisoners and guards, and put into a prison situation for 2 weeks. What happened was not unlike the situation in Abu Ghraib... The guards were abusive to the prisoners, and humiliated them, tortured them, etc... The professor who conducted the experiment said it's a case of good apple, bad barrel. And what compounds the situation, making it that much worse, is all of the people outside of it casting judgment and saying "If I were in that situation I would never do that". His point was that we cannot say that. We cannot possibly know what we would do in any given situation if we have no experience with said situation. Now, a year ago - I would have said, "Yes, but I would never torture a human being if I were a prison guard in Abu Ghraib. I'm a good person." Now, I say "I would never torture a human being in my life as it is. But were I a prison guard, I have no idea how I would be changed and act - because I don't know what that's like." It IN NO WAY excuses the actions of these people to torture other people... But it in part explains it. These guards are in high stress environments with no sleep, being told that their prisoners are less-than-human scum who don't deserve to live because they are plotting to hurt the guards' families and countrymen, being given no time off, no support, and improper nutrition. Do I sound like I'm making excuses for them? I'm not. I'm just saying that I don't know what kind of things I would do if I were in their circumstances for a week, let alone for months and years on end. Maybe I am not a person who should be judging them.

And it's the same for thin people judging overweight people. I have heard thin people say things like "If I were that big, I would just stop eating". Really? How realistic is that? "If I were that big, I'd shoot myself" Touching. "If I were that big, I would get on the treadmill and run until the weight was gone" Hmm.. another super human feat. I love that when thin people picture themselves bigger - they are also wearing tights and a cape.

My point in all of this is to say that people need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations they encounter. I need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations I encounter.

And, probably most important of all - I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself.

Should be simple, right? ;)

g out