Everyday, it's a gettin' closer, Goin' faster than a roller coaster, Love like yours will surely come my way, (hey, a-hey, hey)

Self-acceptance.

Not a flashy or funny topic about which to blog - and to be honest, if I were looking for a blog to read, I would not choose this one. Kakes & I discussed this topic earlier this afternoon. I prefer to stick to blogs that crack me up. I have enough of my own issues and drama... I don't need to get all wrapped up in the drama of a total stranger. (But, if that stranger is funny, sarcastic, and ever-so-slightly self-deprecating in that drama... I'm hooked!)

I am learning a ton on my quest for self-acceptance. Mostly that I don't accept myself. Aaand - hilarity ensues.

Today wasn't spectacular for my quest. Alex and I went to our new gym for our fitness assessment (read: "I'm sorry, you weigh HOW MUCH? But you're only 5'2"... And you've lost 70 pounds already?!?" At which point, the person walks away wondering if I really was wider than I was tall). Not humiliating at all. (read: I wanted to crawl into a hole - a ding dong-lined one, naturally - and die). Alex and I shared a trainer today, and we were weighed and measured in front of one another. (note - I've avoided Alex knowing my weight, clothing size, and measurements for the entirety of the 6 years we've been together. UNTIL TODAY. He thinks he'll erase the numbers from his mind soon... I freaking hope so!)

But at least we went. And we worked out a little bit. We are scheduled to go back on Friday when they will have a personalized fitness plan for each of us - and teach us how to execute it. Am hopeful that experience will be at least a little bit less humiliating, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Tomorrow - I have a meeting with my boss and our research team. I get to tell her that I didn't actually do any work this week, and that it's not looking good for me to get any done during the next two weeks either. I just have other priorities - like getting my assignments done for HER class.

We've gotten down to crunch time. I'm working a ton - planning on spending lots of quality time in the library this weekend.

I'm all over the place tonight.

I'm excited that Alex and I are going to North Carolina in a couple of weeks. We're getting to stay at a beach house that belongs to my Aunt's friend for FREE. And plane tickets were super cheap. So - we're getting a week-long vacation for next to nothing.

I'm really looking forward to having that break. No research, no papers, no teaching, no library!! Just re-lax-ation!

just barstools, and boyfriends, and whiskey at nighttime, and bedtime, bedtime

Taking a bit of a break from the grindstone. I have papers to grade, papers to write - and an unforgivably filthy house - NOT TO MENTION a pile of laundry so large, I'm gonna need an oxygen tank and a sherpa to find the top.

But, priorities in place, I need to start with the presentation & paper that are due Tuesday. I'm even going to skip class tomorrow evening because I need the time to work on this paper (10 pages) and presentation (1 hour).

I love grad school.

You know, it's funny... I was talking to a classmate yesterday, and we were both saying how people idealize the situation they aren't currently in. For example - when I was working full time and getting my master's degree... I thought to myself "hmmm... it would be so much easier if I could be in school full time". Now - I'm thinking it would be so much nicer if I were just working full time and not in school.

Just can't be happy, can I?

In other news - on the hurt feelings front... I'm better. I think I just have to realize that in a marriage - sometimes things get said that we don't mean. And feelings will get hurt. But what's important isn't the thing that was said - or even the fact that it was said... What's important, and what wins out in the end is that I love Alex. I choose to be with him, despite his human-ness.. And eventhough I was hurt, I'm willing to forgive him.

And so I have.

Now, I just have to deal with my own issues on the matter. I have to look myself in the eye - and just make the decision to go to the gym, to choose healthy foods instead of unhealthy ones, and if I do choose to eat something less-than-healthy... Like, say a ho ho, or pizza, etc... then I need to not torture myself about it.

Good luck to me.

Okay, back to it.

Bakhtin awaits.

-g

Why would you speak to me that way Especially when I always said that I Haven't got the words for you All your diction dripping with disdain

...it's just because you don't really know me, and the thoughts that go through my brain, and my motivation for either doing (or not doing) the things I do or don't do.

But I digress.

I'm feeling blue because...

and there's nothing I can do to make it better today. I have some hope for tomorrow that is shaky at best - because my track record leaves much to be desired.

I'm also sad because I don't want to...

but I really can't avoid it any longer - and it has to be done today. So, it's the old "if I must I must" theory.

>On an up tick - I got some fan mail today from the kake-meister. Thanks, girlie! You have NO IDEA how much I needed it today. Well, maybe from parts of this unfinished blog post - you can surmise that it's been a bit of a rough day.<

g out

I went to sleep for the daytime I shut my eyes to the sunshine Turned my head away from the noise Bruise and drip decay of childish toys That I loved

Just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Alex is sitting in his recliner chair with his laptop in his lap. He's got our Lisa Hannigan CD playing, and he is fallen asleep.

I couldn't be more in love with any other person on this earth.

Of that I am 100% convinced.

-g

But they could go off and hit the road and what would I care? I like going nowhere, I got the reigns, courage I was made of.

'ello, 'ello.

Busy week.

We're getting into the last month of the semester (simultaneous YAY, and YIKE... makes it YAYKE) I have 3 ten page papers and a 20 page paper due starting April 21, and going through May 6. It's a little daunting, but I've at least started the research for them, which is HUGE progress for a procrastinator like me. My normal MO is to wait until the night before something is due - and then decide what I'll write about, do a cursory bit of thin research, and wing it. (and to think, I've gotten all the way through a master's degree with that kind of crap!) But this year - I just can't get away with that, and so - I'm becoming more like a real student, and less like a ridiculous immature Kewpie doll pretending to be a student. (you know, something like Astrophysicist Barbie where the only thing that makes me a student is my outfit, glasses, and the fact that my hair is in a bun)

So - we are taking a moment to be proud of me for this. Also considering that both Wednesday and Thursday this week, I spend 3 hours working in the library on the aforementioned research. (what? I'm telling you how smart and scholarly I am, and you're gonna give me crap about using the word "aforementioned"??)

Now - where we aren't so proud is on my personal issues front. This whole being deflated business is for the birds. I keep gaining weight. Not catastrophic amounts, but I'm used to losing. And I am petrified of gaining. After losing 70 pounds, one does not want to see any gain-age. The solution is hopefully the gym. Alex and I are going to go to our potential new gym today and make sure we feel comfortable there and like it before we pay for it. I think that we will. My friend Mel called me last night after I sent her a "cry for help" email about all of this. Her recommendation is definitely to hire a trainer. This gym has trainers - and you get a fitness evaluation and three free sessions with a trainer to get you set up on a program. I don't remember how much per session it is after that... But according to Mel, it's WAY worth it and borders on necessary. (in fact, I think her vote is that it's not only necessary, but essential - and I see her point. If I have an appointment with someone, I'm going to go. But if it's just "I need to go to the gym and workout today" I can easily break that appointment in favor of doing other important things.) (and - that's valid... because I do have a TON of important things I have to be doing, like research, write papers, grade papers, teach, create lessons, observe students, research, do laundry, clean my house, spend time with my husband, etc...)

Anyway - all these weight loss shows and books and magazines and talk shows and blogs ad nauseum say that the key is to make exercise a non-negotiable. I think in order to make that switch in my own head - I need to force myself to do it until I start to see positive results. At that point, I should be able to justify it enough to myself that I am able to say "this is not up for discussion, I'm going to work out". I think that is the biggest key to the Biggest Loser paradigm. Those people are forced to work out 6-8 hours a day. So it's no wonder they lose 100+ pounds in 4 months. And they experience such a huge benefit from it - and are able to transfer addiction from food to working out - and so they are able to continue the success at home. I think that it's at the same time amazing and awesome, and detrimental to people who sit at home watching, morbidly obese - and unable to work out 6-8 hours a day, and they don't have the support of their families, and they feel more and more hopeless. I always worry when I watch that show (I divo it - that's generic tivo) that there is a girl a lot like me who has not lost any weight, and is in fact gaining weight, sitting watching the show and feeling guilty, and beating herself up because she can't seem to get her act together and lose her weight. I picture her full of resolve after watching the first couple of episodes, and making deals with herself that she's going to lose weight with these people. But by the 3rd episode, she hasn't lost a pound, and she's feeling bad... By the 5th episode, she's eating pizza while she watches and by this point in the season (week 14) she's eating a whole pizza plus a package of oreos and a 2 liter of coke in the duration of the 2 hour episode, then rolling around on her living room floor in pain and a puddle of self-loathing after she watches the weigh-ins and realizes that she's put on 14 pounds in 14 weeks, while these people have lost 100s. Why do I picture this girl? Because that was me. I never watched the biggest loser before this season, but I am sure I watched some other show while I punished myself for not being able to lose weight.

It's a lonely lonely world when you are as big as I was. Chairs are scary - because they might not hold you. Planes, buses, theatre seats - all uncomfortable and mean. In any restaurant, people cast judgmental glances as they watch you eat, no matter if you're eating a salad or a cheeseburger. The grocery store is another place where people glance in your cart, and then shoot you disapproving glares if you have anything in there that is considered "unhealthy". Entering a gym at that weight is awful, because you have the people who look at you with the "yeah - you need to be here, fatty" glare, and the people who look at you with pity in their eyes. And you don't want any of it. You don't want people to look at you and see only your weight. You wan them to look at you and see you. Many people haven't heard this story - but my Dad's wife once described me to her son as "She's real big". She did not tell him I had dark, curly hair, or what I'd be wearing, or that I had dark skin. Hell - she could have told him I was Mexican, or ethnic, and I would have been less offended. But the only descriptor she gave him was that I was real big. I was. But I was still a person. And her husband's daughter for crying out loud. I should have been described in a non-dehumanizing way. But I was instead reduced to being described by my weight. And that is precisely what happens to overweight people. They are defined by their midsections, and not by the content of their character. And that is partly because a lot of people decide before they even get to know an over weight person, that they are fat because they are lazy. What I want to say to people like that is, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE SO OVERWEIGHT THAT YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL (MEDICAL) INTERVENTION. IT IS PAINFUL, AWFUL, EMBARRASSING, DEHUMANIZING, AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL - AND YOUR SITTING PASSING JUDGMENT ABOUT SOMETHING YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MAKES IT THAT MUCH WORSE, ASSHOLE!

In my Sociology class, we learned about the Stanford Prison experiment - briefly, it was where a group of college men were divided into prisoners and guards, and put into a prison situation for 2 weeks. What happened was not unlike the situation in Abu Ghraib... The guards were abusive to the prisoners, and humiliated them, tortured them, etc... The professor who conducted the experiment said it's a case of good apple, bad barrel. And what compounds the situation, making it that much worse, is all of the people outside of it casting judgment and saying "If I were in that situation I would never do that". His point was that we cannot say that. We cannot possibly know what we would do in any given situation if we have no experience with said situation. Now, a year ago - I would have said, "Yes, but I would never torture a human being if I were a prison guard in Abu Ghraib. I'm a good person." Now, I say "I would never torture a human being in my life as it is. But were I a prison guard, I have no idea how I would be changed and act - because I don't know what that's like." It IN NO WAY excuses the actions of these people to torture other people... But it in part explains it. These guards are in high stress environments with no sleep, being told that their prisoners are less-than-human scum who don't deserve to live because they are plotting to hurt the guards' families and countrymen, being given no time off, no support, and improper nutrition. Do I sound like I'm making excuses for them? I'm not. I'm just saying that I don't know what kind of things I would do if I were in their circumstances for a week, let alone for months and years on end. Maybe I am not a person who should be judging them.

And it's the same for thin people judging overweight people. I have heard thin people say things like "If I were that big, I would just stop eating". Really? How realistic is that? "If I were that big, I'd shoot myself" Touching. "If I were that big, I would get on the treadmill and run until the weight was gone" Hmm.. another super human feat. I love that when thin people picture themselves bigger - they are also wearing tights and a cape.

My point in all of this is to say that people need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations they encounter. I need to be more compassionate and open minded about the people and situations I encounter.

And, probably most important of all - I need to be more compassionate and understanding of myself.

Should be simple, right? ;)

g out

Come, mister tally man, tally me bananas! Daylight come and me wan go home!

Yesterday was fun. I always forget how dirty, crammed and full of truly strange people the medieval fair is! Marmee and I met up with Laura & Ralph. We saw plenty of people in medieval garb, we saw lots of vendors with leather, clothing, trinkets, swords, fairy wings, and musical instruments. Not to mention the foods! The normal fair suspects were present; funnel cakes, corn dogs, HUGE turkey legs... Plus there was a Celtic bakery and a place selling beef wellingon. How weird is that?? Mom and I each had a corndog, then she had a caramel apple (and I stole a couple of bites!) We just walked around looking at all the people & things for sale.

Then Marmee and I came back here - and she printed off some wedding photos. She wants to make little photo books for my nieces, nephews, and sisters.

I have officially gained 3 pounds. So the gym membership idea is becoming imperative. I don't want to hit the +5 mark. I want to be very careful not to undo the 9 months of weight loss. Plus - any gain might hinder the idea of getting pregnant... So I want to be SUPER careful.

Otherwise - I'm counting the moments until the semester ends! We're at 5 weeks. And I cannot wait to be done.

Then on to summer school.

Whose idea was this whole PhD? I'd like a word with that individual.

"When you wanna quit cause nothing works, don't give in, quitting is the specialty of jerks, don't give in, simply keep your focus on what lies ahead

...don't play games, don't play dead, begin! those who are marking time, wake up. life is a cause that you have to take up. don't give in."

That lyric is so great - it had to be completed. Well, at least that stanza had to be.

Happy April Fools Day! I made it through March blogging on average every other day. That's pretty decent considering my recent track record with blogging. Thanks go out to kakes for kicking me in the ass and making me pay more attention to the fact that people might actually be reading this blog - and that they furthermore care about the things going through my head. (either that - or they're just bored at work, but I am in support of aiding and abbeting when it comes to procrastination.)

Speaking of procrastinating - that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm not interested in working, or doing homework, or working out, or anything. Really - what I want to do is bake, but I am trying very hard to stay out of the kitchen right now. The problem isn't in the baking... The problem is afterward when I want to eat those delightful things I've created. (And today - I'd like to create, and subsequently eat, some chocolate chip cookies)

I've noticed that at least one of my friends posts her blogging as a note on her facebook. Interesting idea. More people would be aware of the blogging that I'm doing. Which is simultaneously a plus and a minus. But it's something to consider anyhow.

I'm also considering joining a gym. The reasons for this are tri-fold. 1 - Alex won't go to the OU gym. And who can blame him? I thought it would be super intimidating, went and found out it wasn't too bad - and now, since I haven't been in a while, am feeling like it's super intimidating again. I just can't enjoy working out when I'm doing so along side a 19 year old blonde whose only ever heard of cellulite, but she has never actually experienced it. It just seems unfair that those girls breeze in and out of the gym with their make-up and hair undisturbed - when I, next to them, am sweating my ass off, mascara pooling underneath my eyes, and will to live pooling down around my ankles. 2 - HAVE to work out. Have definitely hit a plateau, and then am eating more like a regular person now. In that I'm eating more normal portions. I am TRYING my best to keep my calories under 1400/day. It is not the easiest thing in the world. But I am making an effort. So much so, in fact, that I'm writing down everything I eat in a journal, and I'm calculating the calories, sugar, fat, carbs, and protein in each thing. It takes me almost an hour to figure out a meal that I've cooked at home. HUGE pain in the ass - but I think it's the best idea so that I don't wind up gaining any weight while I'm un-filled. (or deflated... however you'd like to refer to it) 3 - Although the OU gym is included in my tuition, and I have some hand weights and a treadmill in my house - I need to have a place where I GO to workout, and preferably one where I can join a class of some ilk. For example: water aerobics, core strength training, yoga! Oh, how I miss yoga!!

On the schedule for this weekend: dinner with an old friend on Friday, medieval fair with Marmee (and maybe Laura) on Saturday. LOTS of homework throughout. Envy me, people... You know you want to. ;)

-g