Being the only one awake in the house at 1am is a lonely feeling. I can hear the melodic sounds of Alex snoring coming from the bedroom. The house is dark, except for the light of a couple of night lights, and the computer screen. It's quiet, and quiet it shall stay. Alex begins his new job tomorrow, and I do not want to do anything to disturb his sleep.
My plan is to get up with him in the morning, make his breakfast and pack his lunch, and see him off to his new job. Then, if I'm awake enough - which, usually, once I'm up, I'm up... I'll clean the house a little since he is having some friends over tomorrow night. I also have to bake a cake, because one of our friends who will be over tomorrow had a birthday today. I feel so Donna Reed. Maybe I'll put on my pearls while I vacuum...
Or maybe not.
I had a small set back and disappointment today which I cannot post on the internet. It's a private matter, but suffice it to say that the old saying "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference" is not only true, but it's a painful realization.
So, readers... Do me a favor. When making new acquaintances, choose to embrace them. Choose to love them. But don't choose indifference. It is an easier way to go, sure... But think about all of the redeeming qualities that person might have that you are missing out on because you've chosen to ignore their very existance. Or, if you simply cannot love a person - for reasons even you cannot explain, then choose dislike.
But indifference?
What a cruel punishment.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
And she was looking at herself And things were looking like a movie She had a pleasant elevation She's moving out in all directions
Have I mentioned that I'm sleepy recently?
I'm sitting in my living room in my favorite chair looking
at the clock and noticing that it is edging ever closer to
the time when I have to leave for my 5pm-9pm class. And I'm
dreading every passing second that takes me out of my comfy air
conditioned surroundings, thrusts me into my hot car - and out
to an uncomfy plastic chair for 4 hours while I struggle to
stay awake.
I feel like the PhD quest is throwing up roadblocks, and I don't
know that I feel like effing with it. My advisor doesn't seem
to like me much. I'm sure that a lot of that is in my head -
but the fact remains that I have that impression. And it makes
it difficult for me to want to work with him. I am still smarting
from his giving me a grade of "Incomplete" without so much as an
email letting me know #1 - THAT he was doing it, much less WHY.
I'm back to frustrated. I feel like if I do finish this degree -
I won't be doing it for myself, but to avoid the looks of disapproval
from others. And to avoid those looks - I'm enduring all of this
garbage???
I just don't know, folks. It might just not matter to me.
Or maybe, I'm just tired & cranky today.
I'm sitting in my living room in my favorite chair looking
at the clock and noticing that it is edging ever closer to
the time when I have to leave for my 5pm-9pm class. And I'm
dreading every passing second that takes me out of my comfy air
conditioned surroundings, thrusts me into my hot car - and out
to an uncomfy plastic chair for 4 hours while I struggle to
stay awake.
I feel like the PhD quest is throwing up roadblocks, and I don't
know that I feel like effing with it. My advisor doesn't seem
to like me much. I'm sure that a lot of that is in my head -
but the fact remains that I have that impression. And it makes
it difficult for me to want to work with him. I am still smarting
from his giving me a grade of "Incomplete" without so much as an
email letting me know #1 - THAT he was doing it, much less WHY.
I'm back to frustrated. I feel like if I do finish this degree -
I won't be doing it for myself, but to avoid the looks of disapproval
from others. And to avoid those looks - I'm enduring all of this
garbage???
I just don't know, folks. It might just not matter to me.
Or maybe, I'm just tired & cranky today.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Just try your best Try everything you can And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
Driving home from a weekend in Tulsa and Joplin this weekend, I was listening to my iPod (a strange thing for me to do in the car, because I am normally an NPR junkie - but on Sundays - it is difficult to find anything good to listen to on NPR, so iPod it was) and the song "In the Middle" by Jimmy Eat World came on. I always forget how much I like the message of this song until I hear it again randomly.
I've always felt like it would be the perfect song to play for 14 year old me - or 22 year old me for that matter... I was always so worried about other peoples' impressions and thoughts about me. I was always so concerned with what people had to say about me. I wanted everyone to like me - and I wanted people to think I was cool. I was pretty sure that everything that was happening to me during that time period was the most important thing going on in the world at that time.
Typical adolescent thought pattern. Adolescents aren't capable of thinking globally for the most part. They are the centers of their own universes. And I think a lot of adults use this as a way to write adolescents off as less than rational - or that they don't have valid opinions - but I think that we have to go through that phase in our lives in order to realize that there are bigger problems and issues in this world - and that not everything revolves around us and our tiny problems.
This was clearly way too profound thinking for a Sunday evening. But I love that it occurred to me. Because I do think that I will eventually work with adolescents again in some capacity - and the more I can gain insight into their thought patterns (and if I can manage to remember that insight at crucial FRUSTRATING moments), the more effective I can be as an educator.
It just takes some time.
I've always felt like it would be the perfect song to play for 14 year old me - or 22 year old me for that matter... I was always so worried about other peoples' impressions and thoughts about me. I was always so concerned with what people had to say about me. I wanted everyone to like me - and I wanted people to think I was cool. I was pretty sure that everything that was happening to me during that time period was the most important thing going on in the world at that time.
Typical adolescent thought pattern. Adolescents aren't capable of thinking globally for the most part. They are the centers of their own universes. And I think a lot of adults use this as a way to write adolescents off as less than rational - or that they don't have valid opinions - but I think that we have to go through that phase in our lives in order to realize that there are bigger problems and issues in this world - and that not everything revolves around us and our tiny problems.
This was clearly way too profound thinking for a Sunday evening. But I love that it occurred to me. Because I do think that I will eventually work with adolescents again in some capacity - and the more I can gain insight into their thought patterns (and if I can manage to remember that insight at crucial FRUSTRATING moments), the more effective I can be as an educator.
It just takes some time.
Monday, June 15, 2009
You spin me right round, baby Right round like a record, baby Right round, round, round
So, I'm taking 2 classes this summer. One in the month of June, and one in July. They are both by the same professor - one I really like - and the workload isn't terrible, which makes this whole endeavor manageable.
The class I'm in now, Media Literacy & Pop Culture, is looking at the use of media in the English Lit classroom. Our professor has decided to look at this phenomena through the lens of Shakespeare.
Now, as most of you know - I'm not a fan of the cannon. I have never been a devotee of the Bard - and I do not advocate the teaching of the cannon to secondary students. In fact - I have been so against the idea, that my dissertation topic was over teaching contemporary young adult literature in place of the cannon as a more effective avenue for teaching literacy to adolescents.
And every time I would discuss this idea with a professor - he or she would simply give a thoughtful head nod, and change the subject.
I wondered why.
Now, I think that they did that because my idea - as sweet as it might be - is unrealistic, and maybe even a bit immature. The cannon isn't going anywhere. No matter how many books or dissertations I want to write on the merits of contemporary YAL - the cannon is etched in stone. No school district is going to forgo teaching Shakespeare, Chaucer, Bronte, Hawthorne, etc... in place of Green, Hopkins, Halse-Anderson, etc... It's just not going to happen. So, why not do a study (this is, of course assuming I still decide to go that route) that could actually be helpful to the teacher in the classroom, and not counter-intuitive to their realities??
For example: why not write a study about what teachers feel they need in order to be able to effectively teach the cannon? I would argue that a lot of the animosity and begrudging feelings surrounding the teaching of this type of literature is rooted in the teacher who either does not feel she is capable, or has the authority to interpret these works, or who feels that there is no possible way to get her students interested in them, and is resigned to the idea of them using Spark Notes to eek by - thus angering her that they are cheating themselves out of the experience of reading such truly wonderful literature. But if teachers were to get the support they needed to feel confident that they could not only get their students interested and keep them engaged in the cannon, and furthermore if they felt comfortable actually teaching the cannon... maybe it COULD be the wonderful experience it is meant to be.
I argue that had I been taught any of the canonical works by a teacher who infused media, and who took the time to ensure that I understood what was going on - I would have had the confidence to approach any piece of literature without the thought that "I can't read this, it's too hard for me" AND - I would have enjoyed reading The Canterbury Tales, instead of barely skimming it - and missing out on all of the hilarity and bawdiness that I now know is there.
I stayed away from canonical works until I was well into my twenties thinking that I hated them all. And some of them, I do still dislike. But some of them are surprising in their genius. And - as I learned last week in my class, some of them, like tired old Romeo & Juliet have so many layers to them that I never before realized were there. Even after having read it dozens of times, it still had something new to offer.
So why not, instead of creating a dichotomy - which I evidently do way too often - create a bridge? Instead of touting contemporary YAL, and trashing the cannon - why not empower teachers to be comfortable & confident teaching any piece of literature, old or new??
just a thought.
The class I'm in now, Media Literacy & Pop Culture, is looking at the use of media in the English Lit classroom. Our professor has decided to look at this phenomena through the lens of Shakespeare.
Now, as most of you know - I'm not a fan of the cannon. I have never been a devotee of the Bard - and I do not advocate the teaching of the cannon to secondary students. In fact - I have been so against the idea, that my dissertation topic was over teaching contemporary young adult literature in place of the cannon as a more effective avenue for teaching literacy to adolescents.
And every time I would discuss this idea with a professor - he or she would simply give a thoughtful head nod, and change the subject.
I wondered why.
Now, I think that they did that because my idea - as sweet as it might be - is unrealistic, and maybe even a bit immature. The cannon isn't going anywhere. No matter how many books or dissertations I want to write on the merits of contemporary YAL - the cannon is etched in stone. No school district is going to forgo teaching Shakespeare, Chaucer, Bronte, Hawthorne, etc... in place of Green, Hopkins, Halse-Anderson, etc... It's just not going to happen. So, why not do a study (this is, of course assuming I still decide to go that route) that could actually be helpful to the teacher in the classroom, and not counter-intuitive to their realities??
For example: why not write a study about what teachers feel they need in order to be able to effectively teach the cannon? I would argue that a lot of the animosity and begrudging feelings surrounding the teaching of this type of literature is rooted in the teacher who either does not feel she is capable, or has the authority to interpret these works, or who feels that there is no possible way to get her students interested in them, and is resigned to the idea of them using Spark Notes to eek by - thus angering her that they are cheating themselves out of the experience of reading such truly wonderful literature. But if teachers were to get the support they needed to feel confident that they could not only get their students interested and keep them engaged in the cannon, and furthermore if they felt comfortable actually teaching the cannon... maybe it COULD be the wonderful experience it is meant to be.
I argue that had I been taught any of the canonical works by a teacher who infused media, and who took the time to ensure that I understood what was going on - I would have had the confidence to approach any piece of literature without the thought that "I can't read this, it's too hard for me" AND - I would have enjoyed reading The Canterbury Tales, instead of barely skimming it - and missing out on all of the hilarity and bawdiness that I now know is there.
I stayed away from canonical works until I was well into my twenties thinking that I hated them all. And some of them, I do still dislike. But some of them are surprising in their genius. And - as I learned last week in my class, some of them, like tired old Romeo & Juliet have so many layers to them that I never before realized were there. Even after having read it dozens of times, it still had something new to offer.
So why not, instead of creating a dichotomy - which I evidently do way too often - create a bridge? Instead of touting contemporary YAL, and trashing the cannon - why not empower teachers to be comfortable & confident teaching any piece of literature, old or new??
just a thought.
Friday, June 12, 2009
I don't know what to do But then thats nothing new, Stuck between hell and high water I need a cure to make it through.
Decision?
Not exactly.
The truth is - I haven't made a firm decision.
I decided for this summer that I'll take 2 classes instead of my originally planned 4 - that decision was based mostly on my current sleepiness. I just didn't think I'd be able to handle being in class from 8am-1pm, and then again from 5pm-9pm three days a week. (and the 8-1 class is actually 5 days a week)
So - after talking to my advisor - I decided not to decide for now. That was actually his suggestion. He asked me why it needed to be so black and white, quit or don't quit. He said maybe just slowing down for now is the way to go. And I figured it couldn't hurt. Then, after talking to my boss (who is also a professor, just in a different department within the college of ed), I decided that if I do slow down, the smart thing to do is to take my content area classes while Alex and I are living
here in Norman - because those aren't offered in Tulsa. Then, all I will have left as far as classes are concerned are the research classes - which ARE offered in Tulsa. Oh, I'll still have to drive up to Norman for committee meetings, my general exams, and a smattering of other reasons - but, it wouldn't be on a weekly basis...
I also learned in my advisement meeting that I have 5 years to complete the coursework, and up to 10 years to complete the dissertation. For some reason I had it in my head that we had to finish the whole enchilada in 5 years. And that timeline didn't seem like a friendly one to me.
I'm still not sure I'll wind up finishing it or not. After seeing my ultra sound on Wednesday, I'm already falling in love with this little baby. But one of my friends who had her baby earlier this spring - keeps saying that having adult time away from the little cherub is about all that is keeping her from losing her mind. So, maybe by fall 2010, I'll be ready to take a class and have some adult time. Thankfully, that part is very flexible - and I have more than a year before I would need to make that decision.
So - for the month of June, I am taking 1 class that meets Monday, Tuesday, Thursday from 5pm-9pm, and that's quite enough for me and my tired self. In July, I'll take another class that meets 3 times a week in the evening. Fall - 1 class that meets once a week, and the same for Spring (MAYBE). Luckily, the Fall & Spring classes are taught by my advisor - and he's willing to be very flexible with me as far as attendance goes. (within reason, of course)
That's the story. Sorry I didn't post it sooner.
g
Not exactly.
The truth is - I haven't made a firm decision.
I decided for this summer that I'll take 2 classes instead of my originally planned 4 - that decision was based mostly on my current sleepiness. I just didn't think I'd be able to handle being in class from 8am-1pm, and then again from 5pm-9pm three days a week. (and the 8-1 class is actually 5 days a week)
So - after talking to my advisor - I decided not to decide for now. That was actually his suggestion. He asked me why it needed to be so black and white, quit or don't quit. He said maybe just slowing down for now is the way to go. And I figured it couldn't hurt. Then, after talking to my boss (who is also a professor, just in a different department within the college of ed), I decided that if I do slow down, the smart thing to do is to take my content area classes while Alex and I are living
here in Norman - because those aren't offered in Tulsa. Then, all I will have left as far as classes are concerned are the research classes - which ARE offered in Tulsa. Oh, I'll still have to drive up to Norman for committee meetings, my general exams, and a smattering of other reasons - but, it wouldn't be on a weekly basis...
I also learned in my advisement meeting that I have 5 years to complete the coursework, and up to 10 years to complete the dissertation. For some reason I had it in my head that we had to finish the whole enchilada in 5 years. And that timeline didn't seem like a friendly one to me.
I'm still not sure I'll wind up finishing it or not. After seeing my ultra sound on Wednesday, I'm already falling in love with this little baby. But one of my friends who had her baby earlier this spring - keeps saying that having adult time away from the little cherub is about all that is keeping her from losing her mind. So, maybe by fall 2010, I'll be ready to take a class and have some adult time. Thankfully, that part is very flexible - and I have more than a year before I would need to make that decision.
So - for the month of June, I am taking 1 class that meets Monday, Tuesday, Thursday from 5pm-9pm, and that's quite enough for me and my tired self. In July, I'll take another class that meets 3 times a week in the evening. Fall - 1 class that meets once a week, and the same for Spring (MAYBE). Luckily, the Fall & Spring classes are taught by my advisor - and he's willing to be very flexible with me as far as attendance goes. (within reason, of course)
That's the story. Sorry I didn't post it sooner.
g
Monday, June 01, 2009
This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball. This is it. Straight ahead and rest assured You can’t be sure at all.
I'm closing in on a decision. I think that the conclusion is clear - getting a PhD does not jive with my life goals. I don't think it ever did - I just didn't understand what it entailed until I could experience it for myself.
I do not think that I will regret this decision one bit. This is not my only opportunity to do this - so if in the future, I'm a different version of me - and that future me wants or needs a PhD - she can get it. And she can do so with the confidence that she is more than capable. That it isn't anything that's too difficult or beyond her reach. But present me, the me that I am today - and for the foreseeable future - doesn't need or want a PhD. What I want is a flexible job that can work around my family. I want to be home in the evenings to have dinner with my husband and kids. I want to be around on the weekends to play games and take trips. I do not want to be chained to a job. I do not want to make that kind of sacrifice.
And so, tomorrow I will meet with my advisor. I will tell him the truth - and I will listen to any advice he offers. I am reserving my decision until Friday - at which point I will decide, and go with that decision without a look backward.
resolute,
g
I do not think that I will regret this decision one bit. This is not my only opportunity to do this - so if in the future, I'm a different version of me - and that future me wants or needs a PhD - she can get it. And she can do so with the confidence that she is more than capable. That it isn't anything that's too difficult or beyond her reach. But present me, the me that I am today - and for the foreseeable future - doesn't need or want a PhD. What I want is a flexible job that can work around my family. I want to be home in the evenings to have dinner with my husband and kids. I want to be around on the weekends to play games and take trips. I do not want to be chained to a job. I do not want to make that kind of sacrifice.
And so, tomorrow I will meet with my advisor. I will tell him the truth - and I will listen to any advice he offers. I am reserving my decision until Friday - at which point I will decide, and go with that decision without a look backward.
resolute,
g
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