We find out on Thursday how far along the pregnancy is. I am suspecting that it will turn out that I am roughly 12-13 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I felt all depressed and exhausted. I could barely muster a smile, let alone get motivated to do anything useful.
Today - MUCH better. Night and day, really. I woke up feeling great - got a lot accomplished, and still feel alert even though it's almost 9pm. :)
Struggles thus far with the pregnant-ness have been getting up to pee at least 3 times per night, drinking enough water (trying for at least 64oz per day), keeping ahead of the hunger so I don't get nauseated, and actually believing that there's a baby in there. Because right now, all I have are the positive pee stick, and the positive blood test results on the fridge to prove that there is actually a baby inside of me. It's all a little too fantastic to believe.
As for non-baby news... I am leaning more and more towards leaving the PhD program. I will make my decision by this Friday - but before then, I have a couple of meetings set up - one of which is with my advisor... So we shall see if any of those meetings sway my decision. At this point, I would say that is doubtful.
So - I have to decide how I will fill my days. I want to take some sewing, knitting, quilting, baby yoga, classes... Also, Marmee made the suggestion that I maybe try working at Sylvan or Kumon - someplace like that. Since, they surely hire short term, I think it might be a great idea.
Any suggestions from you?
g out
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
This indecesion's buggin me If you don't want me set me free Exactly whom I'm supposed to be I don't know which clothes even fit me
Back to indecision.
Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.
I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.
I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?
To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?
These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.
The reasons to stop now
To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.
I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.
Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.
I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.
So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?
-g
Seems I'm most comfortable being uncomfortable.
I cannot decide what to do. Finish the PhD coursework
and hope I have the dedication to finish the dissertation, or
call a spade a spade and admit that I won't want to be researching
and working on a dissertation while I have an infant at home.
I keep asking myself what goal it is I'm working toward. Aside
from the obvious - getting a PhD, but to what end. Why get the PhD?
To say I have one?
To open up more opportunities for myself in future employment?
So I can feel superior to other people?
These are all reasons I come up with when I think about it.
The reasons to stop now
To focus on "mommy" skills like sewing, etc...
To focus on keeping a LOW stress environment for myself
To stop jumping through endless mind-numbing hoops without a
real reason for doing so.
I just don't think I'm in this for the right reasons - and I
think stopping would be the wise thing to do.
Here are the facts... Getting a PhD is something I CAN do. It
is not anything that is too difficult or out of my reach. I am
unsure if I will return to the workforce after the baby (or babies)
arrives. And if I do return, a Master's in Education is a damn
good credential. (not to mention the certification in reading specialist)
What is most important to me is my family. I do not have any desire to
sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of a piece of paper. I have approximately
six months before the baby comes. Alex and I have decided that regardless of my
school status - we will keep our plan to move back in June 2010.
I just don't think that the lifestyle which a PhD requires is the lifestyle
to which I want to subject myself any longer. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure
I would still be conflicted - but I would keep working toward it for lack of any other path. The thing is - I now have a clear path. It's the Mommy path. And I don't think that choosing the Mommy path over the PhD path makes me any less smart - or ultimately - any less marketable in the field of education. Because, let's be honest... Even if I were to go back to work in education, I wouldn't take a job that would require me to miss a soccer game, or a school play. These are things on which I simply will not negotiate.
So, what do I do? Do I stop now? Do I keep going?
-g
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The night is over This masquerade is getting older Lights are low the curtains down There's no one here
Past lives and old boyfriends.
No doubt prompted by an episode of Ugly Betty I watched last night, I had the most detailed and obvious dream last night.
I dreamed about my ex, Glenn. He was an actor living in Paris. (both acting & French being former life paths for me) And he was ridiculously passionate about acting. (which is fitting because Glenn, an architect major, was - and probably still is - ridiculously passionate about architecture) I was in Paris on a trip for school, but my Mom and Rick were there, and Alex was there too. The three of them were waiting for me at a restaurant on the roof top, and I was doing my best to make my way there, but kept running into people, some I was glad to see, others - not so much. Steve (my 1st love) was one of those I saw... I kept trying to catch up with him because I wanted to tell him I am married and pregnant, and really happy. But I could never quite catch up. The people I kept seeing that I didn't particularly want to see just looked at me and walked by without a word, but as they passed, they would snicker and talk about me behind my back.
Then, I was in the lobby waiting to catch the elevator up to the rooftop, and my beloved cousin Nick came up. (in real life - I am NUTS about this kid. I travel to California once, sometimes twice, a year to see him in his college plays) He gave me a HUGE hug, and said how great it was to see me there. Then he and Glenn (Glenn, by the way, was sporting a HUGE and AWESOME afro) went off together to get ready for that night's show.
I finally got on the elevator to go join my party, and that's when I woke up - feeling strangely at peace, and almost as if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to those past lives, and those ex boyfriends.
Not that any of them are usually on my mind. It is the rare occasion that I think about what might have been with either the lives, or the guys. But this morning, when I awoke, it seemed to me that I may never have to think about what might have been ever again. Because I am happy with what is.
Very, very happy.
g
No doubt prompted by an episode of Ugly Betty I watched last night, I had the most detailed and obvious dream last night.
I dreamed about my ex, Glenn. He was an actor living in Paris. (both acting & French being former life paths for me) And he was ridiculously passionate about acting. (which is fitting because Glenn, an architect major, was - and probably still is - ridiculously passionate about architecture) I was in Paris on a trip for school, but my Mom and Rick were there, and Alex was there too. The three of them were waiting for me at a restaurant on the roof top, and I was doing my best to make my way there, but kept running into people, some I was glad to see, others - not so much. Steve (my 1st love) was one of those I saw... I kept trying to catch up with him because I wanted to tell him I am married and pregnant, and really happy. But I could never quite catch up. The people I kept seeing that I didn't particularly want to see just looked at me and walked by without a word, but as they passed, they would snicker and talk about me behind my back.
Then, I was in the lobby waiting to catch the elevator up to the rooftop, and my beloved cousin Nick came up. (in real life - I am NUTS about this kid. I travel to California once, sometimes twice, a year to see him in his college plays) He gave me a HUGE hug, and said how great it was to see me there. Then he and Glenn (Glenn, by the way, was sporting a HUGE and AWESOME afro) went off together to get ready for that night's show.
I finally got on the elevator to go join my party, and that's when I woke up - feeling strangely at peace, and almost as if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to those past lives, and those ex boyfriends.
Not that any of them are usually on my mind. It is the rare occasion that I think about what might have been with either the lives, or the guys. But this morning, when I awoke, it seemed to me that I may never have to think about what might have been ever again. Because I am happy with what is.
Very, very happy.
g
Monday, May 11, 2009
Well I've never been to Spain, but I've been to Oklahoma...
The time has come to update the blog. It's been almost a month - but I know you'll forgive me since you're aware that I was trudging through finals hell from this semester that has left me bruised but not quite broken.
It has been a rough couple of weeks. I had 3 10-page papers, a 1 hour presentation, a poster session, AND a 20 page paper to complete all by May 5th. NOT TO MENTION, having things in order for my students' last classes, AND packing to leave on vacation on May 7th. (The last thing I am NOT complaining about IN THE LEAST... but it was yet one more thing to do.)
SO...
I am pretty sure I've gotten through the last semester relatively unscathed. I definitely took on too much, and I am hoping that I have at long last learned my lesson from doing that over and over again. Yet - realistically, I'm thinking I have to make this mistake a few hundred more times before it REALLY sinks in.
I did wind up having to take an "I" in one of my classes, because the paper I turned in was TRULY sub-par. I have the option of accepting the grade I earned (which would bring me to a low B or a C in the class) or rewrite the paper, and try for a higher grade, which I am doing, because I need to reserve the right to earn a B or a C in my statistics class more so than my Educational Sociology class.
I think I got A's in my other 2 classes. I haven't heard for sure yet. Hmm... I should go check... Maybe my profs have posted grades.
...
Nope. No grades posted yet.
On to other news - because school isn't quite my ENTIRE life... Alex and I got the opportunity to take a vacation to North Carolina. It was all so perfect - the plane tickets were super cheap, and my aunt who lives out here has a friend with a beach house and a generous heart - so we were able to spend a weekend at a beach house on Topsail Beach, NC free of charge!! It was a beautiful beach, lots of soft sand, VERY few rocks, BEAUTIFUL ocean! The only thing I didn't like was the fact that the beach house was 3 stories, and the kitchen/living room/our bedroom areas were on the 3rd floor. So there was LOTS of stair-climbing. Otherwise, it was FANtastic! In typical amber form, I decided I didn't need to put on any sunscreen the first day, and I got a sunburn. But it wasn't so bad until I went out the second day (wearing 55SPF, mind you) and compounded said burn. I burned on my chest, back, shoulders, and arms. Naturally, despite all the burning, my legs are barely tan. What up with that??
We are staying on at my aunt's house in Winston-Salem for a couple more days before heading back. There isn't anything planned - but I'm glad we didn't decide to just head back today home. I cannot imagine how cranky I would have been had I been required to travel today. I'm already bordering on cranky about traveling home on Thursday - and that's 3 days away!!
I love to be new places, visit family, and relax - but I HATE the getting there part: flying, driving, etc... It just plain SUCKS!
My plans when I get home? CLEAN MY HOUSE! There are hairballs (mine) in my bathroom that are so big and have been there so long that I've decided they're the closest thing I'll ever have to pets - and I've named them. It'll be sad to get rid of them, but I am afraid that the department of public health is going to come out to our home, yell "HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!?!" and condemn the place.
So that's top on my list.
I would also like to sleep late in my own bed. Since we've been in North Carolina, I haven't slept past 8am EASTERN TIME!! No one woke me up - I've been the first person up every day. I don't know why I can't seem to sleep late here - but I just can't do it. And I'm exhausted!
For right now - I am going to take my new Jen Lancaster book and lay on the couch and read. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping to accidentally drift off for a bit of an afternoon nap.
g
It has been a rough couple of weeks. I had 3 10-page papers, a 1 hour presentation, a poster session, AND a 20 page paper to complete all by May 5th. NOT TO MENTION, having things in order for my students' last classes, AND packing to leave on vacation on May 7th. (The last thing I am NOT complaining about IN THE LEAST... but it was yet one more thing to do.)
SO...
I am pretty sure I've gotten through the last semester relatively unscathed. I definitely took on too much, and I am hoping that I have at long last learned my lesson from doing that over and over again. Yet - realistically, I'm thinking I have to make this mistake a few hundred more times before it REALLY sinks in.
I did wind up having to take an "I" in one of my classes, because the paper I turned in was TRULY sub-par. I have the option of accepting the grade I earned (which would bring me to a low B or a C in the class) or rewrite the paper, and try for a higher grade, which I am doing, because I need to reserve the right to earn a B or a C in my statistics class more so than my Educational Sociology class.
I think I got A's in my other 2 classes. I haven't heard for sure yet. Hmm... I should go check... Maybe my profs have posted grades.
...
Nope. No grades posted yet.
On to other news - because school isn't quite my ENTIRE life... Alex and I got the opportunity to take a vacation to North Carolina. It was all so perfect - the plane tickets were super cheap, and my aunt who lives out here has a friend with a beach house and a generous heart - so we were able to spend a weekend at a beach house on Topsail Beach, NC free of charge!! It was a beautiful beach, lots of soft sand, VERY few rocks, BEAUTIFUL ocean! The only thing I didn't like was the fact that the beach house was 3 stories, and the kitchen/living room/our bedroom areas were on the 3rd floor. So there was LOTS of stair-climbing. Otherwise, it was FANtastic! In typical amber form, I decided I didn't need to put on any sunscreen the first day, and I got a sunburn. But it wasn't so bad until I went out the second day (wearing 55SPF, mind you) and compounded said burn. I burned on my chest, back, shoulders, and arms. Naturally, despite all the burning, my legs are barely tan. What up with that??
We are staying on at my aunt's house in Winston-Salem for a couple more days before heading back. There isn't anything planned - but I'm glad we didn't decide to just head back today home. I cannot imagine how cranky I would have been had I been required to travel today. I'm already bordering on cranky about traveling home on Thursday - and that's 3 days away!!
I love to be new places, visit family, and relax - but I HATE the getting there part: flying, driving, etc... It just plain SUCKS!
My plans when I get home? CLEAN MY HOUSE! There are hairballs (mine) in my bathroom that are so big and have been there so long that I've decided they're the closest thing I'll ever have to pets - and I've named them. It'll be sad to get rid of them, but I am afraid that the department of public health is going to come out to our home, yell "HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!?!" and condemn the place.
So that's top on my list.
I would also like to sleep late in my own bed. Since we've been in North Carolina, I haven't slept past 8am EASTERN TIME!! No one woke me up - I've been the first person up every day. I don't know why I can't seem to sleep late here - but I just can't do it. And I'm exhausted!
For right now - I am going to take my new Jen Lancaster book and lay on the couch and read. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hoping to accidentally drift off for a bit of an afternoon nap.
g
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