2am musings

I think my brain has become too idle. Not that my class is overwhelmingly easy. But - my brain and my body became used to the frenzy that is being a teacher. And now, I have free time. So much so that it has zapped my focus for anything AT ALL, and has since made it impossible for me to sleep tonight. So, Alex is in bed. Slumbering blissfully. And I have returned to the dining room and my laptop.

*sigh*

Nothing is "wrong" perse. I'm just... God! I can't even think of a word to describe how I'm feeling. Just not at home with myself these days. I have doubt infesting my brain like a mossy parasite. I doubt everything right now. And I know it is this setback with my Masters that has me so self-conscious. On one hand, it's sad to know that something over which I have zero control can affect my mood in such a way. And on the other hand - it really shows that getting this masters and subsequent PhD is really important to me. Enough so that I am completely frustrated with any and all bumps in the road to getting those things.

When I start to feel all spastic and out of control, my mind always takes me back to college. The days when I was so surrounded by friends that I could barely take a dump without someone else in the room. I know that I must have been longing for some alone time then. Now - I long for some non-alone time. Not that I'm alone. I'm not. I have Alex. But it is one thing to have a boyfriend, and quite another to have a friend. And I have friends. I have Angie and Phill and Crumpets and Laura and Tiffany and Sarah etc... But I don't have a single one of them here. Which is I guess what happens after college. We move on. But don't we get other friends once we've moved on? Don't we have work friends and neighbors? At very least school friends. I had a couple of school friends when I was getting my teaching certification. But our lives kept us from making those friendships into lasting ones.

I have a million things I could be doing right now, reader. I could be planning for the school year, reading for my class, finally setting up my office, hell - I could even be watching TV - but the truth is that none of that places even a distant second to sitting right here at my laptop letting you in on all that is running through my mind.

I hope it hasn't been altogether unpleasant for you.