I miss OU in the fall

...and in the winter. It's such a beautiful campus, and I miss being there so much. Especially days like today when I'm feeling a little blue. Nothing fatal. Althogh sometimes a non-fatal blow rots and turns into a fatal wound. Time will tell.

I know it isn't interesting to many of you for me to wax nostalgic about my days in Norman. But I remember so fondly how the benches between the library and Adams looked covered in fallen leaves. And how welcoming the lawn in the north oval was all covered in snow. One year - it snowed so much that some clever students made a chess board and all its pieces out of snow. Dyeing one side red, and leaving the other white. There always seemed to be such hope resounding through the halls of the school. Even at mid-terms when all of the over-caffienated, and over-stressed students scurried about to cram in the studying they had left until the last possible moment.

There was hope.

People were in love everywhere you looked. Engagement rings were always the newest fashion, and always in style. By spring, wedding invitations papered the mailboxes, and girls ran about finding dresses and halls, while the men finished their classes, and began future careers. The feminist movement did happen. But one could never tell by looking at the campus in spring.

It was beautiful. This week - I am sure the campus is bursting with Crimson and Cream on every wall. Every student proudly wearing his colors - confident that Texas will fall once again to Stoops and his mighty Sooners. And I would be one of them. I would be just as confident, and just so clad. But I am here. And to look at me, one coudn't tell that I am a Sooner born and a Sooner bred. One could tell only that I am a student - with so many books that I can't even cary them all on my back. With so much studying left to do that I've always got this stressed out look deep within my eyes.

With a heart on the verge of breaking.

I miss the days when it was me and Phill and Allison, Lauren, Laura, Angie. But always me and Phill. I miss the days when I could just pick up the phone, and within 5 minutes - I wasn't alone, but surrounded by friends who wanted nothing more than to hear me laugh and see me smile. I miss the days when I wanted to pick up the phone.

I find myself in a strange new place where I don't want to call friends, and I don't want to go out. Maybe it's that I'm tired constantly - and I have nagging in the back of my mind the fact that there is something else I should be doing. Writing a paper, or reading for school. Maybe it's that I can't relate to the people I once called friends anymore. I'm different now - and no one has noticed it. Not even I had noticed it - until recently. And I don't reach out to new friends because I worry I'm not ready. Since I don't know who I am right now, how can I know whether I'll be able to be a good friend to a new person. Chances are - I can't.

I have so much guilt hanging over my head that Suzie has been living back in Tulsa since July, and here it is October, and I haven't made any effort to go see her. I don't call her - though I easily could. Suzie - who drove all night to come to my high school graduation. Suzie who has always been so sweet. Suzie. Whose wedding I didn't even go to. I should have moved mountains to be there. But I didn't. I feel so awful now that I couldn't call her. I wouldn't know what to say. No excuse is good enough, because there is no excuse.

Sarah calls. I don't answer. Not that I don't want to talk to her or that I don't love her. I just don't have anything to say. To anyone. Heather calls. Same story. I know if I'm not careful - soon no one will call. Still I don't pick up the phone. I leave it on silent so I won't hear it ring. If I don't hear it - I can't feel the swell of guilt. I can just swim safely in ignorance.

I'm not a good person.

And it's taken me a lot of time to come to that realization.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - I miss OU in the Fall.