You smile like the cartoon, tooth for a tooth You said that irony was the shackles of youth

What I can't decide is whether or not this is all worth it.

Wow! That was an ominous starter sentence. I can imagine several not-good ways for that post to develop. Don't be worried... I'm not at all in a bad or scary place. Just still struggling with the same old boring questions I'm always struggling with.

I feel pulled in two distinct directions. I want to be the stay-at-home wife and mother of the year... and I want to finish my degree. But the reasons I want to do those things are DRASTICALLY different. The stay-at-home part of me wants that partly because it's what I've always wanted. I'm sure I've romanticized it in my head - as I do with most things - but I want to have the clean house, the happy, well-taken-care-of husband, the well-adjusted kids, etc... (disclaimer - I am not in anyway implying that one can't have those things and a career. I just don't think that I can) I want to do what I do now, only better.

Now, I get up on weekday mornings, make breakfast for Alex, pack his lunch and send him off to work. Here, however, is where there is plenty of room for improvement. Ideally - I would like to follow that up with cleaning the house for an hour or two, running any errands that need to be run, coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, then spending the evening together. In reality - I send him off to work and then proceed to watch the Today show and basically waste time until he gets home from work - at which point, I'm exhausted... Don't want to cook because I'm nauseated. So - he has to handle providing dinner for the both of us. Not exactly my Donna Reed scenario I have pictured.

On the other hand there's this ridiculous degree hanging over my head. Why finish it? Honestly - so no one can make that disappointed face at me when I say I decided not to finish it. So I can walk around feeling self-righteous because I have a PhD, and some certain people don't. These are not good reasons to do something. I suppose partly, I want to do it to prove that I can - and partly because I've almost completed the coursework part. But for anyone who hasn't gone through a PhD program that sounds a LOT closer to finished than it actually is... The coursework is the easy part, folks. There is a HUGE paper that also has to be completed, and guess what - you have to be dedicated to it in order to get it done. And guess who has two thumbs and no dedication to her current PhD pursuit...

Plus - there's this whole research assistant job I've been doing. An excellent opportunity, and a definite CV builder. I was asked to join the team, I get paid (a small amount, but it's enough to cover my car payment), and if I stay on the team until they present the study at a conference in December, I get my name on the paper as a co-author. This is a great opportunity for any person who is considering a doctorate, and who is hoping to have a career as a professor - because as we all know... The whole game at the university level is "Teaching, Research, and Service" and having a paper published with your name on it is a HUGE part of that. The problem is - with all this resting I've been doing with this pregnancy, I've let that research work go by the wayside, and am now REALLY behind. I emailed my boss last week to let her know that I am behind, that I'm not sure I can keep the pace she needs me to in order to get this project ready by December, and that I would totally understand if she needed to replace me with someone more reliable and dedicated. Being the really sweet person that she is - she responded that she wants me to stay on and do what I can do. However, in the next email, she requested that I attend a 6 hour long meeting. I can't do a 6 hour long meeting. For several reasons... I can't sit through a movie that I WANT to see for 2.5 hours without having back issues, I can't focus on reading a book for pleasure for more than an hour at a time, and she is asking me to sit through a 6 hour meeting of coding field notes. If you've never coded field notes - let me enlighten you... It is LABOR INTENSIVE. Really serious brain work.

I am in no way saying I couldn't get up and walk around, go to the bathroom, etc... during that time. But even considering that, a 3 hour meeting would be about the most I could do. And now, I don't know how to tell her this. I still think that the best thing for the project would be for her to replace me. Like I've said, I'm not dedicated - and I can't commit to being available, because I don't know which days I'm just not going to feel like being in an upright position, let alone working on coding while doing so.

I don't want to let her down, or put her in a bind... But I am afraid that if I don't flat out quit the team, that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing.

I think the bottom line of what I'm saying is: I want to be selfish. I want to do only what I want to do, and nothing else. Now, whether that's a pregnancy thing, a spoiled rotten thing, or just common sense - I couldn't say. But that's what I want. Now, tell me... How do I get there from here?

No time to search the world around Cause you know where I'll be found When I come around

I'm still here, folks. And I got a notice that I actually have follwers now. So - I'm guessing that requires me to post with at least something that resembles frequency.

Where have I been? Mostly - I've been posting on my other blog that I'm keeping about my pregnancy. I haven't wanted to combine the two areas of my life, because I have felt like this blog is more my place to be me - and speak frankly about things. But the truth is, there is no longer a chasm between pregnant me, and me. And soon, there will be no chasm between Mommy me, and me. Or maybe there will...

Here's where I get confused. Because I see so many women completely lose their own identities in being "mom", and in a way - I think that's important. In my opinion, to be a good parent is to give your life to being one.

HOWEVER - much like my theory on marriage, I think it is important to still have an identity outside of parenthood. I have a life outside of my marriage - and I am glad for it, because it gives us a chance to... I don't know, still be people and not just this amorphous blob of a married couple. Don't get me wrong, I spend PLENTY of time with my husband, and I love spending time with him. But I also love that he has a boys' night once a week, and that I have my girlfriends. All those people could mingle in the same room and get along nicely... but it is nice that they don't HAVE to.

So - maybe, for the sake of my sanity I need to make sure that I keep an identity outside of Mommy.

Who will that be? Certainly not who I am today. I imagine that considering how much this pregnancy has changed me, actually giving birth to a child will make even more of an impact.

And, the ever unanswerable question... Will that person have a PhD. Who knows?

Anyway, for now... I'm here - and I'll see what I can do about tapping into the "me" side of things.

- ag