the first three days of this Vegan lifestyle were - I'm not going to lie - BRUTAL!
a) I didn't feel good. that's an understatement, really - i felt HORRIBLE
b) I didn't like the food. any of it. it took more than an hour to make each recipe (excluding the smoothies), and then the result was DISGUSTING. I even threw up one of the dinners. just gross.
c) my husband didn't like any of this either. and he didn't feel good either. and that made for a not fun home environment.
he still doesn't feel good. i guess his body is having a harder time flushing out the toxins? who knows?? but I am MERCIFULLY feeling better. I don't feel like I could run a marathon or anything - but I feel like a human again. and that is a giant improvement.
also?
husband has a friend following this lifestyle who recommended another cookbook - she said the ETL cookbook recipes were yucky and too involved (just like we experienced), so she recommended the Engine2 website, and the China Study cookbook.
hubs bought the China Study cookbook for me - and it looks MUCH better. I'm off to whole foods in a few minutes to see about getting some ingredients for these recipes. I've also decided that I don't need to magically start liking all these foreign veggies that I've never liked before. collard greens? no thank you! kale? maybe one day - but for now, It's going to be better to stick with those veggies with which I'm familiar and I know I like.
more to come. including results from the first 7 days in losses (I hope!)
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Monday, July 08, 2013
today sucked it.
I did not like ANY of the food I put in my mouth today.
Dinner was so bad, neither of us could eat it. We threw it out.
Instead we ate baby carrots, cantaloupe, and walnuts.
Frankly, I didn't even want to eat that much. I just want to go to bed. In fact, I've already brushed my teeth and am in bed.
and it's eight o'clock.
Dinner was so bad, neither of us could eat it. We threw it out.
Instead we ate baby carrots, cantaloupe, and walnuts.
Frankly, I didn't even want to eat that much. I just want to go to bed. In fact, I've already brushed my teeth and am in bed.
and it's eight o'clock.
day one - withdrawal city
I am so angry - I just want to punch things and then I want to climb in my bed and sleep until this withdrawal period is over.
I honestly thought, when reading the book, that I wouldn't have a withdrawal issue. I guessed a little caffeine headache maybe, but my body is pretty much screaming. I am prickly and mad, and I just want to sleep.
I have snapped at my kids more than once today.
I am not a good mommy today. Not even a good person.
I am a ball of rage and crankiness.
and i haven't been the biggest fan of the food today. I put too much spinach in the smoothie this morning, and the lunch (roasted mushroom with red peppers on a pita) wasn't a high note for my day.
To top it all off, my 3 1/2 year old has decided not to nap today. So she's in her room making A LOT of noise - and if she wakes her little brother from his nap, I may well loose my shit.
ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Part of my brain is saying "this isn't the time for this diet!! do it when they're in school and you can detox all on your own" and the other part is saying, "we're in it... let's not go back, let's power through".
despite the thunderstorm in my head - right now I'm choosing the "power through" option. because even in my withdrawal addled state, I'm pretty certain it's the right choice.
but I'm angry.
and cranky.
and I don't want to do this anymore.
I honestly thought, when reading the book, that I wouldn't have a withdrawal issue. I guessed a little caffeine headache maybe, but my body is pretty much screaming. I am prickly and mad, and I just want to sleep.
I have snapped at my kids more than once today.
I am not a good mommy today. Not even a good person.
I am a ball of rage and crankiness.
and i haven't been the biggest fan of the food today. I put too much spinach in the smoothie this morning, and the lunch (roasted mushroom with red peppers on a pita) wasn't a high note for my day.
To top it all off, my 3 1/2 year old has decided not to nap today. So she's in her room making A LOT of noise - and if she wakes her little brother from his nap, I may well loose my shit.
ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Part of my brain is saying "this isn't the time for this diet!! do it when they're in school and you can detox all on your own" and the other part is saying, "we're in it... let's not go back, let's power through".
despite the thunderstorm in my head - right now I'm choosing the "power through" option. because even in my withdrawal addled state, I'm pretty certain it's the right choice.
but I'm angry.
and cranky.
and I don't want to do this anymore.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
starting again
blogging again. not a sign of anything other than I'm attempting to change my current lifestyle, and I think that recording it in some fashion might just be entertaining as hell. for future me, and my audience of 3 readers (hi everyone!).
tomorrow - i'm going to stop eating in accordance to what I've always been taught is a "healthy" diet. based on lots of protein from animal products, etc... whole grains, olive oil...
tomorrow - i'm going to start eating a nutritarian diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and legumes. no salt, sugar, caffeine, animal products, oils...
at first? this sounded like zero fun, and a horrible, drastic, dramatic, crazy plan. too crazy - a complete overhaul of my kitchen, my diet, my life! all because my sweet husband wanted to try this plan. so - I acquiesced to read the book. Eat to Live.
I'll post all my measurements and weight at some point (when I'm feeling braver and also when I've had some success so I can say "wow! look how horribly unhealthy I was")...
for now, suffice it to say that I'm overweight (this suprises no one), I've been overweight my whole life. (well, since I was about 7) and I am hopeful that I can find a way to become a more healthy individual for my sake, my husband's sake, and the sake of our two beautiful children.
but don't be completely fooled... I'm scared that this, too, will be unworkable - like many that have come before. I think that line of thought might be my subconscious trying to give me permission to fail. I really don't want it. I want to be successful. I want to be healthy and active. I want to run out in the backyard with my kids instead of sitting my ass in a chair and wishing I were inside and comfortable. I want to be comfortable in my clothes. I never really have been. I know that lots of people throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and they are completely comfortable. I am always worried about my stomach jutting out over my waistband. I'm ready to be at ease in my skin. I'm ready to be a good role model for my family. I'm ready to stop living a toxic life under the guise of normalcy.
I'm ready.
I think.
however, all this having been said - I did just down a hershey bar at warp speed. there's no stopping me, folks. I'm a mess to be reckoned with. :)
tomorrow - i'm going to stop eating in accordance to what I've always been taught is a "healthy" diet. based on lots of protein from animal products, etc... whole grains, olive oil...
tomorrow - i'm going to start eating a nutritarian diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and legumes. no salt, sugar, caffeine, animal products, oils...
at first? this sounded like zero fun, and a horrible, drastic, dramatic, crazy plan. too crazy - a complete overhaul of my kitchen, my diet, my life! all because my sweet husband wanted to try this plan. so - I acquiesced to read the book. Eat to Live.
I'll post all my measurements and weight at some point (when I'm feeling braver and also when I've had some success so I can say "wow! look how horribly unhealthy I was")...
for now, suffice it to say that I'm overweight (this suprises no one), I've been overweight my whole life. (well, since I was about 7) and I am hopeful that I can find a way to become a more healthy individual for my sake, my husband's sake, and the sake of our two beautiful children.
but don't be completely fooled... I'm scared that this, too, will be unworkable - like many that have come before. I think that line of thought might be my subconscious trying to give me permission to fail. I really don't want it. I want to be successful. I want to be healthy and active. I want to run out in the backyard with my kids instead of sitting my ass in a chair and wishing I were inside and comfortable. I want to be comfortable in my clothes. I never really have been. I know that lots of people throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and they are completely comfortable. I am always worried about my stomach jutting out over my waistband. I'm ready to be at ease in my skin. I'm ready to be a good role model for my family. I'm ready to stop living a toxic life under the guise of normalcy.
I'm ready.
I think.
however, all this having been said - I did just down a hershey bar at warp speed. there's no stopping me, folks. I'm a mess to be reckoned with. :)
Saturday, August 15, 2009
You smile like the cartoon, tooth for a tooth You said that irony was the shackles of youth
What I can't decide is whether or not this is all worth it.
Wow! That was an ominous starter sentence. I can imagine several not-good ways for that post to develop. Don't be worried... I'm not at all in a bad or scary place. Just still struggling with the same old boring questions I'm always struggling with.
I feel pulled in two distinct directions. I want to be the stay-at-home wife and mother of the year... and I want to finish my degree. But the reasons I want to do those things are DRASTICALLY different. The stay-at-home part of me wants that partly because it's what I've always wanted. I'm sure I've romanticized it in my head - as I do with most things - but I want to have the clean house, the happy, well-taken-care-of husband, the well-adjusted kids, etc... (disclaimer - I am not in anyway implying that one can't have those things and a career. I just don't think that I can) I want to do what I do now, only better.
Now, I get up on weekday mornings, make breakfast for Alex, pack his lunch and send him off to work. Here, however, is where there is plenty of room for improvement. Ideally - I would like to follow that up with cleaning the house for an hour or two, running any errands that need to be run, coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, then spending the evening together. In reality - I send him off to work and then proceed to watch the Today show and basically waste time until he gets home from work - at which point, I'm exhausted... Don't want to cook because I'm nauseated. So - he has to handle providing dinner for the both of us. Not exactly my Donna Reed scenario I have pictured.
On the other hand there's this ridiculous degree hanging over my head. Why finish it? Honestly - so no one can make that disappointed face at me when I say I decided not to finish it. So I can walk around feeling self-righteous because I have a PhD, and some certain people don't. These are not good reasons to do something. I suppose partly, I want to do it to prove that I can - and partly because I've almost completed the coursework part. But for anyone who hasn't gone through a PhD program that sounds a LOT closer to finished than it actually is... The coursework is the easy part, folks. There is a HUGE paper that also has to be completed, and guess what - you have to be dedicated to it in order to get it done. And guess who has two thumbs and no dedication to her current PhD pursuit...
Plus - there's this whole research assistant job I've been doing. An excellent opportunity, and a definite CV builder. I was asked to join the team, I get paid (a small amount, but it's enough to cover my car payment), and if I stay on the team until they present the study at a conference in December, I get my name on the paper as a co-author. This is a great opportunity for any person who is considering a doctorate, and who is hoping to have a career as a professor - because as we all know... The whole game at the university level is "Teaching, Research, and Service" and having a paper published with your name on it is a HUGE part of that. The problem is - with all this resting I've been doing with this pregnancy, I've let that research work go by the wayside, and am now REALLY behind. I emailed my boss last week to let her know that I am behind, that I'm not sure I can keep the pace she needs me to in order to get this project ready by December, and that I would totally understand if she needed to replace me with someone more reliable and dedicated. Being the really sweet person that she is - she responded that she wants me to stay on and do what I can do. However, in the next email, she requested that I attend a 6 hour long meeting. I can't do a 6 hour long meeting. For several reasons... I can't sit through a movie that I WANT to see for 2.5 hours without having back issues, I can't focus on reading a book for pleasure for more than an hour at a time, and she is asking me to sit through a 6 hour meeting of coding field notes. If you've never coded field notes - let me enlighten you... It is LABOR INTENSIVE. Really serious brain work.
I am in no way saying I couldn't get up and walk around, go to the bathroom, etc... during that time. But even considering that, a 3 hour meeting would be about the most I could do. And now, I don't know how to tell her this. I still think that the best thing for the project would be for her to replace me. Like I've said, I'm not dedicated - and I can't commit to being available, because I don't know which days I'm just not going to feel like being in an upright position, let alone working on coding while doing so.
I don't want to let her down, or put her in a bind... But I am afraid that if I don't flat out quit the team, that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing.
I think the bottom line of what I'm saying is: I want to be selfish. I want to do only what I want to do, and nothing else. Now, whether that's a pregnancy thing, a spoiled rotten thing, or just common sense - I couldn't say. But that's what I want. Now, tell me... How do I get there from here?
Wow! That was an ominous starter sentence. I can imagine several not-good ways for that post to develop. Don't be worried... I'm not at all in a bad or scary place. Just still struggling with the same old boring questions I'm always struggling with.
I feel pulled in two distinct directions. I want to be the stay-at-home wife and mother of the year... and I want to finish my degree. But the reasons I want to do those things are DRASTICALLY different. The stay-at-home part of me wants that partly because it's what I've always wanted. I'm sure I've romanticized it in my head - as I do with most things - but I want to have the clean house, the happy, well-taken-care-of husband, the well-adjusted kids, etc... (disclaimer - I am not in anyway implying that one can't have those things and a career. I just don't think that I can) I want to do what I do now, only better.
Now, I get up on weekday mornings, make breakfast for Alex, pack his lunch and send him off to work. Here, however, is where there is plenty of room for improvement. Ideally - I would like to follow that up with cleaning the house for an hour or two, running any errands that need to be run, coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, then spending the evening together. In reality - I send him off to work and then proceed to watch the Today show and basically waste time until he gets home from work - at which point, I'm exhausted... Don't want to cook because I'm nauseated. So - he has to handle providing dinner for the both of us. Not exactly my Donna Reed scenario I have pictured.
On the other hand there's this ridiculous degree hanging over my head. Why finish it? Honestly - so no one can make that disappointed face at me when I say I decided not to finish it. So I can walk around feeling self-righteous because I have a PhD, and some certain people don't. These are not good reasons to do something. I suppose partly, I want to do it to prove that I can - and partly because I've almost completed the coursework part. But for anyone who hasn't gone through a PhD program that sounds a LOT closer to finished than it actually is... The coursework is the easy part, folks. There is a HUGE paper that also has to be completed, and guess what - you have to be dedicated to it in order to get it done. And guess who has two thumbs and no dedication to her current PhD pursuit...
Plus - there's this whole research assistant job I've been doing. An excellent opportunity, and a definite CV builder. I was asked to join the team, I get paid (a small amount, but it's enough to cover my car payment), and if I stay on the team until they present the study at a conference in December, I get my name on the paper as a co-author. This is a great opportunity for any person who is considering a doctorate, and who is hoping to have a career as a professor - because as we all know... The whole game at the university level is "Teaching, Research, and Service" and having a paper published with your name on it is a HUGE part of that. The problem is - with all this resting I've been doing with this pregnancy, I've let that research work go by the wayside, and am now REALLY behind. I emailed my boss last week to let her know that I am behind, that I'm not sure I can keep the pace she needs me to in order to get this project ready by December, and that I would totally understand if she needed to replace me with someone more reliable and dedicated. Being the really sweet person that she is - she responded that she wants me to stay on and do what I can do. However, in the next email, she requested that I attend a 6 hour long meeting. I can't do a 6 hour long meeting. For several reasons... I can't sit through a movie that I WANT to see for 2.5 hours without having back issues, I can't focus on reading a book for pleasure for more than an hour at a time, and she is asking me to sit through a 6 hour meeting of coding field notes. If you've never coded field notes - let me enlighten you... It is LABOR INTENSIVE. Really serious brain work.
I am in no way saying I couldn't get up and walk around, go to the bathroom, etc... during that time. But even considering that, a 3 hour meeting would be about the most I could do. And now, I don't know how to tell her this. I still think that the best thing for the project would be for her to replace me. Like I've said, I'm not dedicated - and I can't commit to being available, because I don't know which days I'm just not going to feel like being in an upright position, let alone working on coding while doing so.
I don't want to let her down, or put her in a bind... But I am afraid that if I don't flat out quit the team, that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing.
I think the bottom line of what I'm saying is: I want to be selfish. I want to do only what I want to do, and nothing else. Now, whether that's a pregnancy thing, a spoiled rotten thing, or just common sense - I couldn't say. But that's what I want. Now, tell me... How do I get there from here?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
No time to search the world around Cause you know where I'll be found When I come around
I'm still here, folks. And I got a notice that I actually have follwers now. So - I'm guessing that requires me to post with at least something that resembles frequency.
Where have I been? Mostly - I've been posting on my other blog that I'm keeping about my pregnancy. I haven't wanted to combine the two areas of my life, because I have felt like this blog is more my place to be me - and speak frankly about things. But the truth is, there is no longer a chasm between pregnant me, and me. And soon, there will be no chasm between Mommy me, and me. Or maybe there will...
Here's where I get confused. Because I see so many women completely lose their own identities in being "mom", and in a way - I think that's important. In my opinion, to be a good parent is to give your life to being one.
HOWEVER - much like my theory on marriage, I think it is important to still have an identity outside of parenthood. I have a life outside of my marriage - and I am glad for it, because it gives us a chance to... I don't know, still be people and not just this amorphous blob of a married couple. Don't get me wrong, I spend PLENTY of time with my husband, and I love spending time with him. But I also love that he has a boys' night once a week, and that I have my girlfriends. All those people could mingle in the same room and get along nicely... but it is nice that they don't HAVE to.
So - maybe, for the sake of my sanity I need to make sure that I keep an identity outside of Mommy.
Who will that be? Certainly not who I am today. I imagine that considering how much this pregnancy has changed me, actually giving birth to a child will make even more of an impact.
And, the ever unanswerable question... Will that person have a PhD. Who knows?
Anyway, for now... I'm here - and I'll see what I can do about tapping into the "me" side of things.
- ag
Where have I been? Mostly - I've been posting on my other blog that I'm keeping about my pregnancy. I haven't wanted to combine the two areas of my life, because I have felt like this blog is more my place to be me - and speak frankly about things. But the truth is, there is no longer a chasm between pregnant me, and me. And soon, there will be no chasm between Mommy me, and me. Or maybe there will...
Here's where I get confused. Because I see so many women completely lose their own identities in being "mom", and in a way - I think that's important. In my opinion, to be a good parent is to give your life to being one.
HOWEVER - much like my theory on marriage, I think it is important to still have an identity outside of parenthood. I have a life outside of my marriage - and I am glad for it, because it gives us a chance to... I don't know, still be people and not just this amorphous blob of a married couple. Don't get me wrong, I spend PLENTY of time with my husband, and I love spending time with him. But I also love that he has a boys' night once a week, and that I have my girlfriends. All those people could mingle in the same room and get along nicely... but it is nice that they don't HAVE to.
So - maybe, for the sake of my sanity I need to make sure that I keep an identity outside of Mommy.
Who will that be? Certainly not who I am today. I imagine that considering how much this pregnancy has changed me, actually giving birth to a child will make even more of an impact.
And, the ever unanswerable question... Will that person have a PhD. Who knows?
Anyway, for now... I'm here - and I'll see what I can do about tapping into the "me" side of things.
- ag
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